Sexy woman: I don’t have any money… Is there another way I can pay you?
Pizza delivery guy: you actually already paid on the app
Porn director (pinching bridge of nose): cut
[gas station attendant pulls the premium pump out and lets me sniff the nozzle] *I nod*
May 28, 20203: a random guy buy me
I would’ve moved if they asked nicely
your dad walked out on you and your mom? well boohoo. my dad walked IN on me and my mom and you don’t hear me crying about it
There’s over 2000 people on the london bridge at any given moment, but sure go ahead and sing your little song
$7. This idiot has no idea what he has.
dreaming of forklift certification
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
(training the new oompa loompa) have you ever seen a dead body?
I sent him a picture of my feet wearing dunks and he got so mad
this is why i left twitter
adopting a highway and having a tough conversation when it’s old enough to realize i’m not a highway
you’re about to arm wrestle a troll and everybody starts chanting the troll’s name
every cigarette i smoke is one less cigarette available to the children i give cigarettes to
bringing a gun to the office and shooting my computer
No jessica, I don’t wanna feel your baby kick. Your baby should feel me kick. I’m the one with the yellow belt.
paying my buddy $20 to park a car on me so i can see if my mom loves me enough to lift it
first date idea we go to couples therapy
(stealing some of dril’s most famous posts while i can get away with it) no
doctor: he’ll never walk again
wife: omg what happened
me: (rolling out on heelies) babe im never walking again
but give us dark mode pls
will you guys beat me up for having fat elon pfp please respond @bsky.bsky.social hello
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
