Macaulay Sulkin

I have in my hands definitive evidence that my opponent has committed a world-historic evil. Evidence that, were it to be released to the public, would cause his supporters to abandon him and his entire world to crumble to dust. I therefore have no choice but to give in to every one of his demands

God wanted a place where everyone is a mall cop drunk with power and said "Let there be London" and he saw that it was just okay

Charlie Kirk was assassinated by Sallie Mae for going to college for 25 years and never graduating

My new favorite thing is libs saying that the supreme court ruling is unconstitutional when it's perfectly constitutional specifically because libs were too chickenshit to pass constitutional amendments that would have prevented everything the Trump admin is doing.

Why do they call it hentai and not gooney tunes?

You don't see people doing the pull my finger gag like you used to

Gavin Newsom is polling at record numbers with the "I do not consent to Facebook looking at my photos" crowd

"Our base is furious at us for losing to fascism a second time and they feel like they're floundering in an ever worsening hell. Our plan? Never talk about it. Especially not the concentration camps"

"When" is doing a lot of heavy lifting here because Democrats are doomed to eat shit over and over again. I don't think a third Trump term is realistic for many reasons but I still think it's more realistic than a Dem winning by more than 2 points for the rest of my lifespan

A great way to tell who is going to start calling the concentration camps "detention centers" after a democrat is in office again and they're all still operational is to find people who currently say shit like "Cankles McTaco Tits"

I bet Brian Wilson fuckin loved Animal Collective

Patient, sobbing: But Doctor, I AM Pagliacci!
ChatGPT: Apologies. I didn't realise when recommending Pagliacci's epic show to cure your depression that you were the genius himself. I'm impressed! With regards to your initial question, I can recommend seeing the Great Clown Pagliacci.

Nothing makes a boring white man feel smarter than refusing to explain what he's talking about so he can sound smart while not having to know what he's talking about. Real win-win for the weed cousin set

One thing that makes Young Frankenstein a 10/10 movie is that if you remade it with the exact same plot played completely straight it would still be an S Tier Frankenstein movie. The people demand Hammer Young Frankenstein.

The most disappointing thing about the digital age is the profound lack of doohickeys and gizmos. I'm sick of gadgets, give me a thingamabob or a doodad

I still think the best take is that the trilogy should have skipped Phantom Menace and just opened with Clone Wars as it already does the heavy lifting of establishing Anakin and Obi Wan's relationship, then Revenge then something akin to Rogue One or Obi Wan (In concept, I haven't seen them)

BLOATED CORPSE OF A DRUNK - You really dropped the ball, Harry. Four point six billion people -- and you failed every single one of them. You really *fucked up*.

I'd like to imagine this happening in real life and it becomes stock footage of tornado destruction just a la that house in Valmeyer becoming stock flood footage. Just 600 movies where a ketchup bottle goes flying

On the downside literally everything is collapsing and the US is on the verge of martial law. On the upside millennial Forrest Gump is about to get rich

On my first time over at my ex's house I put on High Fidelity and IMMEDIATELY realized my mistake

One time when I was super deep in the cups I had a friend over to hook up on the flimsy premise that watch Tremors but I was already drunk and kept passing out and waking up and going "Oh no we slept through the movie" and put it back on. She watched Tremors four times that night

Onion headline: concerning new study finds nation’s poverty growing faster than officials can build prisons

The Onion needs to get back to doing satire

Going to go to a Michelin star restaurant and order wet food

They say your worst day sober is better than your best day drinking but on my best days drinking I was employed and loved so maybe there some wiggle room with that one Bill

donald trump is a fascist who is going to take over our government and ruin the entire country forever and end democracy and not let us vote ever again which is why we have to give him everything he wants

YOU - I don't want to be this kind of animal anymore.

Biden couldn't raise the minimum wage by .02¢ because the Senate parliamentarian pursed their lips, but Trump can radically remake the entire government by fiat and somehow this is all the fault of 15 autistic communists on Bsky

Apartheid Dundee "Ye cawl thatta dieck?! Thas notta deick. Naw thessisa deick"

If I can't get a job in my field and move back to St. Louis by the end of June I am going to take out a loan, drink until the money is gone, and jump off the old chain of rocks bridge