Thankful for safety caps, otherwise i’d be wearing black gloss spray paint instead of hairspray!
Santa should pay my gas bill this month.
At this rate (and economy) everyone on my holiday shopping list is getting a Little Caesar’s Hot-N-Ready Pizza for Christmas.
When all of the greats are gone, who is left? Just a bunch of assholes.
When the wind blows my hair away from my face it makes me feel like a model
People who chew with their mouths open at restaurants should be forced to sit in a separate room full of other people that also chew with their mouths open so that they can all see how gross it looks.
What's your favorite planet, Planet Fitness or Value World?
Listen up, my dear shorties— Jesus died for your shins.
Random mundane tasks are not errands; they're more like "don't even carerrands."
i didn’t know that Avon filed for bankruptcy (i don’t know which chapter, i just read the headline not the entire book)
My signature move when I'm feeling blue (which has been a lot lately) is pretending that my iPhone is a harmonica
They should rename Imitation Vanilla Extract. Something like: Vanillugh, Vaneela, Wanilla, or even Silly-Vanilli.
The day after Daylight Saving Time should be a paid holiday that everybody has off called "Adjustment Day."
Either my dog snores, or my spirit animal has asthma.
Temp service life is sometimes saying “Why yes, I'd love to get paid to answer the phone for just 3 hours tomorrow...”
new billboard, who dis? #Joumana
And sometimes lonely hearts they just get lonelier.
“it did not look like this online,” - my new favorite critique
in other news, it’s hardly noticeable that i cut my own hair in the bathroom yesterday 💁🏼♀️
Hello and goodbye
Whirlwind romance never lasts
Cry and eat nachos
#byeku
Break up with people using poetry. There's nothing classier than turning a haiku into a byeku
The numbers in #Detroit are only this high because your mom was just in town 💅🏻
Happy Lunar New Year! ✨🐍🧧
I’m really good at guessing people’s star signs— because usually if they’re not an ozempic or a narcissistic, they’re a pisces.
I just had the sneezing version of a heart attack.
“Hello. I’d like to return this— it’s not defective, it’s just ugly.”
last minute gift idea:
Little Caesar's Hot-N-Ready Pizza.
“Will you come by my house when you get off work? I’d like you to read a 2 page email.”
watching someone in a store purchase pajama pants while wearing pajama pants gives
I wonder how future people are going to react to all of the shitty time capsules they're going to dig up.
