Gabriel Slabchunk - A Real American Rowsdower

Now THAT'S a memory unlocked. 😅

In short, he doesn't understand science, helped create a monster, and then stupidly tried to make arguments against the best way to kill it, forcing them to have to find another, more difficult option. Idiot? Definitely. The villain? Quite possibly!

Also, I think we can have dogs sniff out chunks of it that might be regenerating in the literal weeks that we have before any of them gets big enough to walk around on its own and then we can burn those at our leisure. So no, "professor", I don't think we need to take your protests seriously."

It does not make sense when the creature is in a freakin' field. "Oh, it'll regenerate? Well with you actively trying to feed it to regenerate it seems to have taken a few weeks, so I don't think it'll be quite so hardy out here in a grassy field.

But he doesn't die there, though it might've helped if he had. Because when they want to bomb the thing on land, he speaks up to complain that it can regenerate and so that's a bad idea. That was an argument that made sense when the woman brought it up while the monster was underwater.

Just to reiterate, every decision up to this point was dumb, but then we get more. Not only does he somehow have some kind of psychic link with the thing, so that when he's out shopping he suddenly realizes it's being attacked, but then runs to the shore to get a boat, and has a heart attack.

Then, while pumping nutrients into their monster factory tank, they're just not at all keeping track of how much is going in and out, so no idea of how much mass the thing might have. So it grows full-on monster sized in this specially-designed-to-grow-it tank and goes on a rampage.

As though this aquarium dude has some special insight into evolution, like, "Mammals existing at the same time as reptiles and reptiles didn't somehow turn into people? Nah, according to the evolutionary documentary Super Mario Brothers, that's not how this works." So again: an idiot.

Which is a very different goddamn situation and yet everyone just nods along with it like that's perfectly reasonable. And he makes a nutrient tank to regrow this thing. And starts referring to 'nature's attempt to bridge the gap between reptile and mammal' like that's a thing.

So the aquarium's paleontologist, after hiring a mentally disabled security guard, starts thawing it accidentally and they realize it's regenerating. And to the professor, this is exactly the same and just as natural as a lizard regrowing a tail. Except that this is a tail regrowing a giant lizard.

It's dumb, but not unique to this movie, so moving on. And why "underground bones" = "we need to get this to an aquarium" other than "I happen to know how this story goes and we're gonna need a big water tank later on" is kind of a mystery in and of itself, but that's what we do!

Pick a country and an era between 1950 and 1980 (with some outside it) and you'll find your random protagonist just happens to be friends with this awesome scientist who studies more or less exactly what they've encountered, and their family and friends are all just the people you need.

Like, this dumb bastard figures bones underground = fossil and no one calls him on it. I would point out the fact that it's weird that this random miner happens to be pals with the head of an aquarium or whatever, but that's general disaster movie nonsense anyway.

I'd like to make the case for why - in the English-language version of Reptilicus, the professor is, in fact, an idiot if not the actual villain. First, he comes up to the drill and keeps referring to the literal skin, bones, and blood that they're finding as a "fossil", this continues for a while.

*This is an automated reply proofread by the ghost of Herman Melville.

I, a nobody, completely unknown, shall email as well. They keep sending me weekly emails telling me I did a really great job writing, I've gotta assume that they might admire me enough to put a slop duplicate (slooplicate? Sloppleganger is already taken) on there. Better safe than sorry!

I know monsterotica is a thing, obviously, but I'm just saying, if someone hasn't written one about a woman falling for Dracula, and called it "Going Down For The Count", I'ma be very disappointed.

No one could know his shameful secret, that the burning scar that adorned his stubble-laden cheek was the result of a friend, now his mortal foe, who pierced his cheek with the tip of a pen in a mad fit of description writing. Now about that stubble, settle in for 7 paragraphs of detail on it . . .

Uni, I choose you! 😅

Eventually, we must all become mulch. Wait, I meant that as like "everything has to eat plants, or eat something that eats plants, and plants basically eat decayed-to-humus/mulch/dirt stuff," but I accidentally did a depression. 😱

Perhaps it was used to tell time? Maybe the seasons? Let's get a theolodite in here.

Shouldn't be too hard with these idiots. They'd be streaming with landmarks in the background like, "Ayoooo, it's ya boi fleeing the Nazi hunters, they'll never find me!" If it's down to survival or attention, for these nitwits it's not even a choice.

Just wanna make sure my opinion of Weiss' intellect is set appropriately low.

Lemme see if I understand the context. Mayor reassures citizens, as one does. Rando posts as though the mayor said that he was personally terrified and needed to be kept safe. Idiot, racist propagandist imagines that's a "sick burn" and not a complete fucking non sequitur. Is that about right?

Translation:
We are committed to not violating the law! 😉
So we reached an agreement with the administration that wanted to sue people for telling the military not to violate the law! 😉
I mean, it'd be rude to NOT take them at their word, right? 😉
DEFINITELY not our fault if they go back on it! 😉

Uni revealed as part inspiration of Jack and the Beanstalk due to his undeniably magical beans!

"Place was filthy, roaches crawling on my menu when it was offered to me. Waitress didn't smile enough. I asked for a regional specialty from 3 states away and instead they held me down, chopped off my penis and deep-fried it and fed it to me. Portion was unreasonably small, mostly breading."

Your average one-star restaurant review is obvious bullshit, it's a tepid, weaksauce complaint that the reviewer knows is bullshit, because they'll smash their actual complaint in the middle, bracketed by nonsense that never actually happened.

They're a mix of arrogance, cluelessness and self-importance that makes you wonder how they don't have jobs in the Trump administration yet. And if they DO have jobs there, there's about a 100% chance they use one-stars copiously.

It is not "I feel like food (yeah, I'm talking restaurants here) is better prepared in this other way and they didn't IMMEDIATELY take my suggestions on-board and redo their recipes." Like, I don't take them seriously, they're not serious people.