Mike Sholars (Parody Adult)

I rarely discuss how MUCH of a hopeless Assassin's Creed fan/apologist I used to be. I'm full of cursed, useless series lore.

And that's what gets me: THIS SERIES WAS ALWAYS WOKE AND IT SOLD MILLIONS. The first game stars a Muslim guy and came out the same year as Modern Warfare, for fuck's sake.

They did this in TWENTY-GODDAMN-THIRTEEN. As if we needed more proof of the hollow incoherent heart of the current Anti-Everything rage movement.

Of the first five AC protagonists, only ONE OF THEM WAS A WHITE DUDE. And in Freedom Cry, you literally raided and freed people from plantations.

I genuinely want to do a profile piece on the staffers who have to rush and grind skins in newly-minted Fortnite Accounts for politicians doing stuff like this, just so they're not using the Basic Jonesy skin and immediately getting mocked by the Gen Z audience they're trying to win over.

It's deeply ridiculous to argue that Dems don't have power when the LITERAL NEXT TWELVE HOURS hinge entirely on the Democrats' collective ability to aid or abet a government shutdown.

People are arguing with you about a hypothetical situation happening THIS VERY SECOND.

DISNEY AFTER THE WALLETS HAVE VOTED:

(this is my favorite Heathcliff comic btw)

@criminalsimpsons.com

The final boss of Silksong is ADOBE AFTER EFFECTS.

I'm at 100% completion, but I honestly may never finish the game because of this fight.

The boss is an ink-black figure who melts into the arena's ink-black floor using ink-black projectiles while ink-black waves obscure the foreground. WHY.

AMERICANS: this is the leadership we want to see from the left. if you're not throwing your body in the way of people harming citizens, are you even serving them?

DEMS: we're going to unanimously vote to support the Hate Speech Mascot Remembrance Day, but we'll frown the whole time

I want to write about the Moral Crossroads of Pro Wrestling Fans in the US!

The biggest company in the world partnered up with multiple regimes (WWE execs are part of the Trump inner circle; Saudi Arabia will host Wrestlemania 43) AND enshittifies its core product via the new ESPN app.

Despite writing a book about PaRappa the Rapper, I'm not in its wiki page!

I am, however, a valuable soldier in the Pro-Rosalina Mario community for pointing out that she wasn't a damsel in distress. Dope!

Also: I really liked my Mario Character Deep Dive series for Kotaku. Proud of those pieces.

"I've been told that those who fight with monsters run the risk of becoming monsters themselves. But is that true for those who TALK with monsters? Maybe it's our inability to talk that's the REAL monster in America today."

Who
(and I cannot stress this enough)
is "WE," Ezra?

EZRA: This is going to ruin the tour.
"What tour?"
EZRA: THE ABUNDANCE TOUR

House Arab I was working at the magazine as a fact-checker and my parents no longer considered me a failure, not because they read or admired it, but because when they said its name to friends and relatives it s...

This essay, by an Egyptian-American former New Yorker staff fact-checker, is an incredible read

And incredibly damning

Huge recommendation

I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL. The Shell Shards add bad friction and reinforce none of the core gameplay loops!

Tools are already limited by your upgrades or lack thereof. They should reset to full at a bench like everything else!

Making someone stuck at a boss go on Shard Farming trips feels bad!

but first, they've put together an acapella cover of "Espresso" that your mom will LOVE

I can't believe Sakurai added Skylanders to Smash Bros.

we're about to see the first 3/4s mast in history

a cartoon of marge simpson saying that 's true but he shouldn 't say it . ALT: a cartoon of marge simpson saying that 's true but he shouldn 't say it .

ANYONE VAGUELY FAMILIAR WITH CHARLIE KIRK:
here are some direct quotes from the literal hundreds of thousands of terrible and hateful things he said and did

EMPLOYERS AND SOCIAL MEDIA SITES BEFORE BANNING AND FIRING THEM:

It just feels like you SHOULDN'T be able to frantically delete all evidence of your crimes and complicity in one of the most bizarro-world cascades of misinformation and history rewriting in recent memory, you know?

The bike's name is Viola and yes there is already erotic fanfiction about Samus and the bike (on my Google Drive)

Using Red Viper on my New 3DS XL earlier this year felt like the first moment I understood the power and joy of playing around with the tech you own and operate.

Nintendo asking ~$100 for the shell of a failed system that you shove a new one inside of needs to be studied in schools.

I am gifted with prophecy but shunned by the algorithm.

You get it man YOU GET IT

Bars from line one, man. Goddamn.

"Actual Witch Hunts" wasn't on my 2025 list of Signs and Portents, and honestly that's on me not thinking big enough

Nation Plans Reveal Party to Determine if Recent Event is "Tragic Accident" or "Politically Motivated"

80%+ of posts could be group chat messages, diary entries, or newsletters. there is power in realizing what goes where.

(yes, i am also part of the problem but the point remains)

Each friend and family member that visited us this year has been detained while crossing the border back to the States.

My Ohio-born-and-raised MIL had her entire car and phone searched last week.

Think about what you're posting on here, and how your future self would explain it. That is all.