Shakespeare (now booking EXXXOTICA NJ)

Happy October! Everyone break out your favorite Halloween playlists featuring songs about dancing monsters, a team of plucky ghost hunters, and horrors of British occupation of Ireland

Clippy popping up on my laptop: It looks like you’re jorking your peanits, would you like some help with that?

Thinking about that time I took my partner to dinner after having sex and she said “Hell yeah, we made the mac n cheese noises, now we get to have actual mac n cheese.”

Love is real

They do for me, is this not universal?

Don’t you hate it when you’re watching porn and someone comes up behind you and starts commenting on it? Like, sir, I’m just waiting on my pumpkin spice latte like everyone else in this Starbucks, please leave me alone.

Oops I accidentally trimmed too much of the beard and I suddenly look like I’m in my 30’s again.

OH GOD ITS OMEGA TOO???

I need to try it again eventually. God knows I’ve played more than my own fair share of literally every other FromSoft

Oh my god, that’s disgusting. What was the name of that story? I need to know so I NEVER accidentally look it up.

I’m learning so much about you right now

I remember being but a young buck, a school-aged boy when people would ask me “What do you want to do when you grow up?” and I always gave the same answer. Today, I finally proved I could do it, and I conquered my dream.

“When I grow up, I wanna get way too high and make the best chili ever lmao”

Me: Alright Shake, you’re in your 30’s now. Time to start acting like it.

Also me:

Lord help me I’m on my opera-singing bullshit again

Lady Thee Emily

It’s absolute dogshit that I sweat as much as I do every day and still can’t shed this water weight. Fucking hell.

Broke: Calling her “the ol’ ball and chain.”
Woke: Calling her “the ol’ cock and cage.”

🫂

SEX WORKERS - do you have mutuals with this creep? Chris Alvino is a piece of shit PUA telling incels to go to strip clubs and try to pick up dancers for free sex. He uses proximity to SWers to establish credibility as a "coach" and access vulnerable women. Please warn any mutuals you have with him.

God Peacemaker is so fucking good

Yee haw

REAL

Well, unfortunately, FetCon is a bit of a bust due to illness. But in a couple days I’ll be back and ready to fire on all cylinders! Let’s book something!

Her: One of the the things I really like about you is how mature you are!

Me, internally: Hey Siri, how long into a relationship should I wait until I fart in front of my new partner?

I know it's been a minute since I uploaded on here, but the always-wonderful @venusrisingxxx.bsky.social and I made a VERY hot video together and I couldn't resist sharing a teaser with the world. You know where to find the full thing.

Having worked as a wedding singer, I think I should expand and start working as a divorce singer. Hire me to sing “Nothing Compares 2 U” while you both sign the papers while you try to win them back, or “You Oughta Know” to really twist the knife.

Back in LA, with a fresh test! Let’s fucking goooo

In Vegas safe and sound! Who’s ready to party? 👀

in the Crackered Barrel. straight up “shucking it.” and it by “it”, haha, well. let’s justr say. My peanuts.

I am apparently only capable of like, 2 angles when taking selfies. #avnhouseparty

Oof