RestrainedRaptor

I think she’s finally realised what I knew all along: there is no fixing me. I have let myself and my family down again. I have already hurt myself as punishment.

The dark thoughts told me not to bother going to my therapy appointment today. My mother begged me to get out of bed repeatedly but I just stayed there. Eventually, she said “Fuck it, fuck it... I give up,” and stormed out crying...

Farewell Dino Furs by RestrainedRaptor on DeviantArt

We cannot help each other if we don't understand each other.
We cannot understand each other unless we talk to each other.
Even then, the process of talking is fraught with issues.

Journal is here: www.deviantart.com/restrainedra...

The mask helps at first, but it always breaks eventually.

I woke up today feeling "okay" for no apparent reason. I could think pragmatically about my future for the first time in ages. I can't explain it, but I suppose there's a glimmer of hope in there somewhere.

Come on, Sigma. Grow some fucking balls and end this before things have a chance to get even worse. Finish the plan you put in place years ago. Stop waiting in the name of hope.

Pye, Dahy, Indi, Virgil, Sebby... They were all right. I’m SICK. I’m a loser and a failure. I don’t deserve any second chances. Nothing will ever get better. Neither drugs nor therapy can fix someone this broken.

Too late. Everyone's already abandoned me.

The voice in my head tells me that everyone wants me to shut up and die already. I've been told this is not normal, but the evidence is quite compelling.

I tried so fucking hard to be a good person. I failed. I don't understand where it all went wrong. I don't understand how people work. I just know that they hate me and want me dead.

Every time I feel I have a moment to recover, another bad thing happens. I have to break the cycle. Soon. The best I can hope for is getting the courage to do that.

A friend told me that I need to "learn to heal." I think this their polite way of saying "go and be someone else's problem." Sorry to say, I've had clinical depression for nearly 20 years and nobody's managed to help me with that. No medication, nor therapy, has even come close.

People sometimes ask me what my fitness routine is.
It's pretty simple, really.
Fighting off thoughts of depression and suicide every day burns a LOT of calories.

2024: One of The Worst Years of My Life by RestrainedRaptor on DeviantArt

To the half-dozen people who still care about me and have wondered where I've been, I've written an excruciatingly detailed journal about all the miserable things that happened in 2024. Don't expect to see much of me in 2025 either.

www.deviantart.com/restrainedra...

2024: One of The Worst Years of My Life by RestrainedRaptor on DeviantArt

To the half-dozen people who still care about me and have wondered where I've been, I've written an excruciatingly detailed journal about all the miserable things that happened in 2024. Don't expect to see much of me in 2025 either.

www.deviantart.com/restrainedra...

10 months later and I'm still trying to appeal my unjustified ban from FurAffinity.

All I've ever gotten from them is a canned response and all subsequent requests have been ignored, despite forwarding them to multiple staff members. Does anyone know any FA staff personally?