natsukiiii /ᐠ - ˕ -マ Ⳋ

An illustration of the club members from Doki Doki Literature Club. Monika is leaning out of a Ferris wheel cabin and smiling at the camera while holding a colorful set of balloons. Sayori is inside the cabin, making a funny face that's pressed up against the glass. In the background behind the Ferris wheel, Natsuki and Yuri are facing each other, both eating cotton candy. Yuri is standing on the ground while Natsuki is sitting on the guardrail enclosing the Ferris wheel's boarding platform.

Happy birthday Monika and happy 8th anniversary to DDLC!

Artwork by @satchely.bsky.social

That’s the one thing Natsuki came to do. To at least… transfer her to Yuri.

Yuri probably gets Monika better than anyone else anyway, right? So it’ll work out.

Natsuki stares up, expectantly. Begging for an answer, anything.

Please, no more silence. She can’t do it anymore.

Or even anything remotely positive.

Before Monika gets up, Natsuki looks up at her. She’s doing an excellent job hiding her expression, but … you can’t deny the word “hurt” plastered all over her face.

“You’ll… talk to Yuri, right? She really wanted you to.”

Right.
—

Natsuki stares at the wall.

“you.. you didn’t waste anything.” She muttered, before slowly and calmly hiding the ivory keys from view with the wooden cover.

“i.. yeah. alright.”

Natsuki still didn’t budge. She knew a losing battle when she saw one, and she knew this was not going to end okay.
—

But Natsuki was fragile. More than anything, fragile.

She’s so fake.

In the end, she just turns to dust.

“i’m sorry.”

Was all Natsuki could muster before tears began to roll down her cheeks.

She held on for so long. Yuri should be proud. Natsuki ends up crying, seeing a dear old friend— despite everything she did… cry.

She could say this and that. Could shout there and here…
—

break the nearest object.

She knows it’s not right. That’s why she won’t. But god, does it hurt.

“we just.. we just need to try. okay?” She slowly turns her head to Monika.

She truly, desperately, regrets that decision. Seeing her eyes brimming with tears, and her lip quivering…

—

Natsuki’s hand clenches. Grabs onto nothing, as if she wished Yuri was here to hold onto.

She lets out a low sigh, her shoulders shaking.

“… we can try, right? we can.” She whispers.

She’s so fake. Everything about this is fake. She wants to scream and yell and
—

“that’s all i want.”

Why? Why is she hurting so much? She’s got what she wanted. Yuri gets to talk to her again.

… why does this feel like she’s lost something?

“i just wanna go back to normal.”

She lets out a deep, long sigh. Grits her teeth.

“… just.. just promise me you’ll tell me one day. When we’re all friendly again, when we’re… all writing poems. When everything’s okay, tell me, and we’ll laugh it off.”

She slowly lifts the cover off the piano keys. Her lip quivers.

—

“I.. I don’t even care. I don’t care. I don’t need that answer. I don’t.”

She’s repeating to herself as she slowly brings her arm back to her side.

“If it’s… existential…” She starts, but she can’t quite get the words out again. She’s stammering.
—

Natsuki looks mad. Not upset, like she’s finally lost it.

Well, if you ask her, she probably lost it after that last night at her dad’s. But this is a close second.

“…” She sighs. It’s a.. start. Monika’s willing to stay. There’s just one issue.
—

“… sorry.”

She chuckles to herself. In disbelief AT herself.

“I’ve… I’ve been really impulsive since we.. we left.”

“everything i felt comfortable with fell in an instant. i just..”

She slowly lessens the grip on her arm. Easing the tension before her arm slips away.

“i just want… something. you took everything. do you.. know how lonely it is?”

Natsuki turns back to the piano.
—

Monika suddenly felt a tense grip on her arm. She holds onto her tight and takes a shaking breath.

“… don’t you step out now. please.” She mutters. “do you know.. how long i’ve wanted an answer?”

She sounds… not angry. Not upset.
Desperate. Desperate to understand her.
—

Natsuki is … completely silent. She felt like she had just chose ever wrong dialogue option possible. Like a critical fail on maybe the most important roll of a lifetime.

She sits there as Monika speaks, and makes no motion until she thinks Monika is going to leave.
—

She doesn’t think this would be a good excuse. Monika could have just… babbled about a depressive episode, or jealousy,

But *this?*

“… What’s going on, Monika?” She states plainly.

“I.. I’m not a philosopher, but— I think I can at least… try to help.?”

Despite her disbelief, her eyes kept glancing over at Monika, and what really, REALLY concerned her…

She’s not looking at Natsuki. In fact, she’s…

“…”

Natsuki put a hand to Natsuki’s shoulder and whispered quietly.

“… you’re not lying, are you?”

She knows she’s not. She doesn’t…
—

Natsuki stares at Monika with a mix of concern, disbelief… a hell of a lot of emotion burning behind her eyes.

“… Existential crisis?” She repeats, the words lingering on her lips as if she was analyzing them.

“You.. You mean.. what?” She repeats. What???

She looks at the piano… and sighs.
—

“What?”

It’s never faded. The respect she holds for Monika. Even if she’s disheveled, hurt, and lost.

She respects her.

“… I won’t yell at you this time. I promise.”

She’s offering Monika a chance. She’s proved herself right there, and Natsuki is now willing to listen.

For once, Monika could feel the wrathful gaze of the other soften. She could feel the ire dim, even if she admitted forgiveness is out of the question.

But…
—

Why? Why Sayori? Why go to these lengths to make her…

Natsuki looked up at Monika, and instead of simply letting these things go unasked, she shrugged and muttered,

“Well… can you.. can you explain yourself now?”

—

Natsuki sighs again, the tension in the room growing again. And she doesn’t want that! Not when she feels like she’s just opened Monika’s heart, even barely.

It’s true. What she did was beyond unforgivable, perhaps even heinous. Malicious.

But one thing, *one thing*, never made sense to her.
—

“And this only proves my point more! You never…”

… Her shoulder slump a little.

“… I still can’t forgive you. But… I atleast get that part.”

She scrambles internally for a second before looking over at Monika with a grit of her teeth.

“What I’m trying to say is— I’m sorry! I never… I thought you cut us all away because you didn’t want to see us anymore.”

She stammers a bit, before continuing.

“And— and…”
—

“… I see.” Was all she could get out from everything she thought. After another second or two,

“I.. I’m sorry. Hah.” She scoffed at her own apology.

“I mean, I kinda.. Well…”

Where are the words she wants to say!?

—

It takes a long time for Natsuki to respond to that. She lets out a deep breath and glances over to the piano.

… suddenly, her turning away made too much sense. Suddenly, the club being torn down aligns perfectly.

She thinks about what to say next. She makes an odd face, and turns her head.
—

“.. did you.. did you write the lyrics yourself?”

She asked this, despite no singing being done. This inadvertedly revealed that Natsuki *memorized* the lyrics.

She didn’t realize the revelation of such a question. Her focus was too strong on Monika and her heart.

“The fact you do remember means… it tells me I know your heart’s in it. You really deserve kindness.”

She looks down at the keys, then where Monika’s hands lay. She only really had one question.
—