'i will strangle a horse' on itch.io

The rare times I am id'd now I tend to say something like "bloody hell, the last time someone under 18 looked this bad was during the somme"

Finding the actual job hard or impossible isn't the only reason we struggle to work. That struggle is compounded by, among other things, the work we CAN do being consistently devalued and underpaid, if it's even paid at all. Be mad at the system, not at creatives and not at autistic people

Superb

I didn't realise quite how much I loved Sonic 3 until me and my pals @stuartgipp.bsky.social and @demontomatodave.bsky.social talked about it for ~10 hours, only getting distracted by Mr. Blobby ONCE

Lol that's an unfortunate one

Colonel: Tommy! Keep an eye on your GAS gauge! If it gets too high, it'll trigger an Ecstasy of Fumbling, and you'll find it much harder to aim and reload.

Tommy: GAS?

C: Götterdämmerung Aerosolised Scourge, a swarm of nanomachines that are highly debilitating to unprotected Soldiers.

*giggling voices*

Tommy: There are children on this mission?

C: Not just children, Tommy. These are Pasha and Dale. They Might not sound it, but they're the best tactical minds in the world

P&D, young female voices in sync: Call us when you need an overview of your conditions, Tom-Tom *giggling*

Tommy: Poems? I'm not so sure

DD: You need to keep an open mind, Tommy. By writing down how you feel, you can temporarily bring down your SHOCK gauge. While in the Poetry menu, you can also press X to craft lighters, telescopes, and more, using the Bullet Casings you've collected

TF: SHOCK builds up when exposed to prolonged enemy fire.

Female voice: There's always another way

Tommy: Who's that?

Colonel: This is Sweetie "Dulce" Decorum. We brought her in to manage your SHOCK

DD: Press SQUARE to open the Poetry menu. From here you can craft POEMS to lower your SHOCK gauge

*Hideo Kojima game set during the Somme*

Colonel: Tommy. This is Trench Footman. He'll be your guide when you need to patch yourself up.

TF: You're holding the Synergised Hypodermic Epinephrine Limbic Loadout, or SHELL. Press R1 to use SHELL to cure SHOCK.

Tommy: SHOCK?

Never elect a man who's eaten more books than he's read.

Okay right what if "turkey teeth" were actually turkey beaks instead of teeth? And they all opened and shut like actual beaks. It would be like having a crab mouth. Recursive chomping all the way down.

[The speed dating bell rings and I, still single, move to the next table]

René Descartes in disguise all "incognito ergo sum"

A Dragon Quest battle rendered in the Final Fantasy style feels obscene somehow

Thank you for your email. It has bored the living tits off me. I am a silly billy, and should not be subjected to this.

Up yours,

Guy

so much of my job involves looking at my emails, sighing heavily, and saying "what do people want from me and how can they be stopped?"

I am wearing a "some people are trans, get over it" t-shirt, and a man in a cafe just gave me two slices of cheesecake when I only ordered one. I can only assume that, as well as being the morally correct choice, supporting trans people also gets you free cake.

my day just started and i already made a mistake trying to read the replies in public and keep a straight face

brainmage - Twitch Guy Kelly. Comedian, voice actor, and general nerd. UK-based variety streamer. Cryptic crosswords during the day, and videogames at night. Like a LAN café in an old folks home. guykellyalloneword@gmai...

Today's lunchtime cryptic crossword stream starts at 1pm!

Goodness ME what a thrill! What an adventure! What a reasonable way to spend a lunchtime!

www.twitch.tv/brainmage

I was genuinely thinking about this. Wondering whether the seediness is the point. Like an extra turn on the kink dial. Or, you know, We Can't Have Nice Things

...though I suppose they *would* ache, being that cramped

That would be a terrible name for it

This is awful

I feel so proud

If i invented dogging i like to think id have called it something less unpleasant, you know? A bit sexier. Like "carfrolic" or "brum brum cum cum"

wint @dril. 6m @McDonalds i have an a 1 million dollar idea that will pull your failing company directly out of the toilet, hear me out. 12 wint @dril 6m @McDonalds all right. so first off we know that the hamburglar has become soft in recent years, the customers no longer fear him 今 273 13 wint @dril 6m @McDonalds and it is necessary, I believe, to threaten your customers with some sort of villain, to increase the perceived valueof your food 41 7 wint @dril 6m @McDonalds but how do you shake the core of a public fresh off the heel's of the 9/11 atrocities. what is it that they fear the most 271 wint @dril 5m @McDonalds they fear Chaos. they fear those who dont simply loot and plunder as the hamburglar does, but those who seek to Destroy. 31 wint @dril 5m @McDonalds and so me & the boys have invented "the mcshitter", a fictional man who jumps up on tables and shits all over the customers meals 234 wint @dril 5m @McDonalds i know its fucked up. but "shit" is one of the last few apolitical threats. 99% of ppl on both sides of the spectrum dont like it 4 7 wint @dril. 5m @McDonalds this is money in the bank. put the mcshitter in all of your branding, and enjoy a tenfold increase in likes and re-tweets wint @dril-5m 2 5 @McDonalds your current slogan, "Im Lovin It", will no longer do. i would suggest replacing it with "Look out. Here comes the McShitter 6 wint @dril 4m @McDonalds it will go without saying that hes an ugly son of a bitch. goblin-like. someone you'd particularly not want shitting on your food 23 2 6 wint @dril-4m @McDonalds i would suggest studying caricatures from early 1900s racist war propaganda to help your team devise his gruesome appearance 232 wint @dril 5 Following Replying to @dril @McDonalds @McDonalds thats it. thank you for hearing me out. i am a huge fan of the"big mac" and im nice once you get to know me

this is still the best thing ever posted on twitter

imagine making gods of your limtations

I ain't saying NUFFIN

🥚

Episode 123: A touching melodrama where Godzilla bites a train Pibbly pobbles, poderinos. Today, Guy has broken a camera, Cat is in The Pit, asshole fae stole Guy's voice, and Godzilla had a bit of a yamp about the place. Content note for the beginning and the e

Episode 123 is out now! I meant to post about this this morning! But didn’t!

The fae stole Guy's voice! Cat is all drugged up and mad about it! Garfield yearns for the sweet release of eternal slumber!

Available wherever you get yr podcasts

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