buh
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@lusthag.bsky.social
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posting this feels, mildly embarassing and more vulnerable than im comfortable admitting but, i think itll be good for me to look back on
i dont think i have much more to write for now, might come back to it later if more thoughts are needed to be spewed onto the internet
i love my friends 🖤 14/14
as for my discord, i dont know when it will return, maybe if I eventually stream again, or i feel i'll actually make use of it, update it, time will tell
it might seem a bit dramatic to write this whole spiel after just a 10 day hiatus, but these thought have been bubbling for a long time 13/X
but i wrote this mainly for my sake, to reflect, look in the mirror and be honest with myself, or something cheesy like that, idk
i might slowly but surely rejoing some discords again, but keeping the number small, to give myself a better chance at keeping up and staying active in them 12/X
im going to try to push past the nagging voice in my head, dissuading me from reaching out, talking, keeping in contact with people, the irrational fear of being abandoned
in my head this was all more thought out and structured, i fear this is more a jumbled mess of thoughts more than anything 11/X
im not ok, but im better, i want to continue getting better, i want to grow past the person i was, i want to foster friendships despite not always knowing the right path, i dont wanna spoil the connections ive made this time, the anxiety makes it hard, but i want to try 10/X
that i made the decision to cut ties, rather than dealing with my inability to maintain friendships, it wouldnt have been the first time
for anyone that was worried, or thought they had done something to provoke me going silent, cutting ties, whatever, im sorry, i love you all 9/X
i went on a spree of leaving almost all the discord servers i was in, removing friends, i was close to fully deleting my bsky, twitch and discord account but i ended up not, i felt like, in some sense, deleting and disappearing felt better, than admitting i'd "failed" 8/X
when i saw people sit in a vc, friends i know and like (and that i know like me), i still couldnt bring myself to join, so i'd stare at the channel sad, angry at myself and the stupid amount of anxiety i had, that i couldnt even bring myself to talk to friends, and january was a tipping point
7/X
often feel like an intruder, spoiling other peoples good time, or bothering them, feeling unable to break through an already established community, so i dont join vcs or ask to join games, unless expressly invited to do so, i dont reach out, ask to hang out, despite wanting to say and do so much 6/X
ive struggled throughout my life with finding community, friends, mostly due to my own self-saboutage and sense of self-worth, either i join a community and never interact, or i'd be active at first, and then slowly but surely withdraw, eventually leaving quietly, hopefully unnoticed 5/X
to in 2025 where i just, in my eyes: regressed, throughout the year, no streams, struggling with keeping up with friends, communities, discords, balancing work and a declining mental health and so on, was very disheartening, and i felt like i returned to old, bad habits as the year passed me by
4/X
going from in 2024; going outside my comfort zone, making new friends, streaming, being part of communities and just in general being happy, i felt like i made a ton of progress 3/X
i might have already went over some of this in my discord but i want to reiterate it on here, ive been depressed for a while, some days more, some days less, along with very heavy anxiety. last year was not great for me, especially when i looked at it, compared to 2024 2/X
dont know how long this post is going to be and i apologize ahead of time for any rambling, unstructured thoughts, im just writing this as i go, whatever pops in to my head
im writing this mainly for myself, but also for friends who worry or wonder whats been going on 1/X
done (courtesy of @zebii.bsky.social)
I drew my ADHD and PMDD.
inspired by Imogen Heaps song Headlock <3
you guys think i could hit 200 on twitch before the new year? 🥺
www.twitch.tv/eepywilvt
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offering this on #vgen at a discount for the first 5 !!
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Reposting this with alt text.
Delete your Twitter. Now.
