Dragon Diaries

Dragon Haiku:

Tonsils a-steaming
Flames dancing through the forest
Knight's last words: bless you!

Sometimes you just have to ask the hard questions like "How many dragons would a dragon-turtle turtle if a dragon-turtle could turtle dragons?"

The problem with gnomes is that once you have one you can’t stop till you’ve ated the whole bag and they’re hella greasy.

Aunt Kayath sent a tin of her excellent rum knights! Love the happy smiles on their little drowned faces.

Stuck nose outside cave again. Nine little orange trolls frozen solid on doorstep. Shattered them. Maybe this winter thing not so bad after all…

Am having trouble sleeping. Maybe adding the contents of the dwarven armory to the hoard wasn't best idea… pointy. pointy. pointy.

Stepped on a rake just now. Poor little guy, now he’ll never get to blow his fortune on fast carriages and inappropriate romantic choices. On the upside, he made a pretty good substitute for a crepe. A little jam, some butter…mmmm!

Went spelunking last night—that’s the sound the mud-wrestling arena makes when you tip it on its side to dump the whole dwarf vs. elf team pudding match into your mouth. Nom!

Okay, taking a break from helping out the locals on clearing the ice that keeps making a mess. Off to devourate some goblins and maybe a princess or two. Self care is important. If you can't help yourself, you can't help anyone else.

I miss the good old days when life was nothing but hoarding gold, eating dwarves, and flaming the pointy-faced horse. Sigh.

Dragon’s Haiku:

Flames, flames, flames, flames, flames.
Breathing breaths so toasty hot.
Freezer got too hot.

Feeling a little delicate today. Spent the night on the town drinking flaming IceOuts to celebrate. BTW, does anyone remember what we were celebrating, because my memory is kind of hazy this morning.

Tasting notes, freeze-dried dipsickle, which is what you get when some dude dressed for desert warfare wanders into a polar vortex. Tastes like chicken that died of dehydration on an ice floe in 1638 and stayed there till yesterday. Dry, freezer-burned, the bad kind of crunchy.

Dining in tonight. I hear they’re doing house-to-house searches in this part of the enchanted forest. Mmmm.

Woke up from dream about ateding a Tiamat’s Witness to find one knocking on door. Did logical thing. Ated him and went back to bed. Hoping to dream about entire troop of trollscouts…wearing chocolate.

I only have one question today, how did Cat get that mermaid up there?

My Jumbo Book of Unicorn Recipes has arrived. It’s published by DRACME so it must be good. Totally gonna pwn that pointy-face horse.

Getting really tired of having ice all over everything. Think I might need to have a word with Jack Frost and Old Man Winter…and ated them.

One nice thing about being a dragon is that no one expects you to protest nicely. When a bunch of dipshits show up at your door and start asking stupid and intrusive questions, you can just flaminate them and sweep the charred remnants off the stoop and nobody complains.

Having some trouble getting cheap cosplay tactical vests out of my teeth. Does anyone have some dragon floss I could borrow?

Decided to make lemonade. Took a bunch of broken up ice and tossed it in a big old hollow log to make a giant kaleidoscope. Such pretty pictures… And it makes a pleasing sound when you shake it.

Cat is unhappy about all the ice making it difficult to get around. More meltinating eminent.

I do! Something (or someone) keeps making more. Not very good ice, but it has to be dealt with.

Sorry got to daydreaming there…picturing myself on a beach where the only ice is in my drink. Sigh. Back to clearing that shit off the sidewalks so the neighbors can go out safely.

Dragon limericks:

There once was a man from Nantucket.
Then I ated him. Chomp, chomp, chomp. I know it doesn’t rhyme, but I got hungry after the first verse and that tactical vest looked reallllllly tasty. Oh, well more where that came from.

Dragon’s Tasting Notes:

Bard. Surprisingly flat. Probably shouldn’t have stepped on them first. Oh well. Maybe, bardcakes? Tasted of greasepaint, broken dreams, and tuna. Weird, but not terrible. 4 of 10, would like to try again with a different preparation.

Dragon’s tasting notes, ice golems: Basically, frozen flop sweat with a side of popsicle stick. I thought the regular old clay ones were awful, but hoo boy. -4 of 10 would actively avoid if starving. Melt and move on. DO NOT ATED THEM

Normally I snowdragon in the tropics, but my whole neighborhood is iced in. Can’t leave the damn pointy-faced horse and all those delicious goblins and dwarves in the lurch when I’ve got a built in meltinator. Gonna stay and flame the fuck out of that stuff till the thaw.

Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by this breath of flame! And all the ices that lingered on our steps in the deep bosom of Lake Minnetonka melted. Now are those slippery pavements bound for the gutters of history, our bruised buttocks numbed by strong drink…

Napped a week away there. Apparently it’s winter now. Had to melt a ton of rotten ice just to get out of the cave. Feeling neighborly and have a flamethrower in my tonsils, so I melted ice all up and down the block. Nice to see it running into the gutters. Might take Cat and fly south.