Mike Turski

I'm now at the point in my life where the hottest text I get is, "your prescription is ready for pick up.”

Where eagles dare…

If you’d don’t eat some grapes before paying for them at the grocery store, I don’t trust you.

#wbw Found a pic from the S&S days with my friends Becky and Heat looking adorable with their spooky red eyes. An effect you could easily get from the crappy disposable camera I always used to carry with me.

Congrats on being born. Here's your social security card. It's paper and has to last you a lifetime. Don't laminate it.
Good luck.

Me: “Hey! I sit in the back of this boring ass class for a reason. Save me some!”

I think wearing socks with sandals should affect your credit score.

I wish my Detroit Tigers had made it past the playoffs and won it all, but that was easily the most exciting World Series I’ve seen in DECADES. Reminded me why I love baseball…
And Yamamoto and Ohtani deserve multi-billion dollar contracts.
They’re incredible.

How old am I?
I remember when math was called arithmetic.

#fbf Since it’s Halloween, here’s a pic of me from back in the Liquid Kitty days as a deranged serial killer school bus driver with a drinking problem.
Happy Halloween!

Not a single job has ever asked to see my diploma. I could’ve just lied about it. I did not need that crap.

I weigh myself naked. If you have a problem with that, go to a different Walmart.

Rest in peace to British comedy icon Prunella Scales… Fawlty Towers was one of my FAVORITE shows growing up.
#prunellascales #british #comedy #icon #fawltytowers #rip #restinpeace

I know many have done this before, but I just yelled "REGULATORS!!!” at the Burbank Mall and nobody yelled "MOUNT UP!!!”
I hate it here.

You can get out of jury duty by asking “do I get paid more for a guilty or innocent verdict?”

Since today’s my birthday, here’s a pic of me back home in Hawaii chilling in my badass ride waiting for my sippy cup. Some things never change.
If you’d like to chip in to get me a B-day drink, hit those Venmo and PayPal QR code. LETS PARTY!!!

If the cops say "Hang Tight" and give the roof of your car a little pat, you're going to jail.

We need more Bobby Knights going apeshit in basketball…

Rest in peace to one of the Kings of synth and cofounder of one of my favorite bands, Soft Cell, Dave Ball
#daveball #softcell #synth #synthwave #synthpop #newwave #rip #restinpeace

Subway has the nerve asking for a tip! Dude we made this sandwich together!

My therapist: “You seem to pursue damaged people to try to fix them.”

Me: “Well, don’t you do the same thing?”

So are we just going to ignore the fact that everyone has a favorite stovetop burner, and no one talks about it.

I think you’d be amazed how often I'm wrong when people say, "guess what?”

Trump and ICE can kiss my ass!
#nokingsday #sfv #losangeles #protest #keepfighting

The fact that someone long ago looked straight at a purple onion and named it red onion really bothers me.

Damnit! We’ve lost a guitar hero today… Rest in peace Ace Frehley.

Why rush to work when you're already late? Stop and get you a McDonald’s milkshake or something.

It’s like Pandora’s Box!

You never know what I have up my sleeve. For example, today it was a dryer sheet.

Charcuterie boards are just fancy lunchables for white people.