I’ll start going to church when the ushers walk down the aisle with a Bloody Mary cart.
I like your thinking 😁
M, if i get started, I'll rant for an hour about that absolute tool - a child in a man's body. So I won't. He's not worth elevating my blood pressure 😁
And how much WE around the world can endure. My elderly father here in Ireland ordered heating oil for his house last week. He had to pay double the usual amount.
All because 77 million gullible idiots put a maniac in the White House 😒
Pause for a moment to think of all the pets affected by this hideous war: those killed in the blasts, and those abandoned by people fleeing the region.
found a time machine but it requires size A batteries
INVENTOR OF TOUCH-SENSITIVE CONTROLS: Nobody wants our technology because it's very hit and miss, if it'll work.
EVERY MICROWAVE MANUFACTURER IN THE WORLD: We'll take it 👍
things can’t be this evil and this stupid at the same time
Do you think FIFA will revoke his peace prize
Ireland, as always, looks green & beautiful today 🇮🇪
[Showing you blood test results on a date] look how normal I am
i’m only giving you THIS much time to decide if you like me
•turns over lava lamp•
Or maybe sooner 🤞
[I get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says "I'm leaving and i'm taking the kids"]
me: [unplugs fridge from power outlet] you're not going anywhere, you piece of shit
Yup, I've had a few of those in my time.
Instead of counselling, we Irish overcome it by upping our beer consumption & letting our body hair grow wildly out of control. It's a system that works well for us 👍
I live in the economic friend zone: not poor enough to be poor, yet not rich enough to be rich.
Eating because I’m hungry, bored, stressed, happy, sad, not hungry, breathing.
You having a bad day, M?
I'm sharing a cell with Prince Andrew.
He just asked one of the guards when someone's coming to turn down his bed?
sorry Pink Floyd, turns out that we needed education. a lot of it. all of the education, really
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked whether I had a criminal record.
I replied: "No. Is that still a requirement?"
<Goes to a volcano> Who wants to play The Floor Is Lava?
Yup, terrible times for you. We see everything that's happening here in Ireland 😢
Was it wrong of me to give my friend a Psycho-themed shower curtain for her birthday?
Welcome to your 50s.
One wrong move and your body files a formal complaint.
Spoiler: there’s no good move.
To the tune of Simon & Garfunkel -
🎶 Hello Ibuprofen my old friend 🎶
Yup, mind-blowing, Diane. I hope alls good with you 🙋
I’m bonding with my neighbours and it’s only January. This year is getting more suspicious.
The Sombrero Galaxy live from a telescope on Earth. I wonder what the trillions of its inhabitants look like & if they can see us 🤔. It's 30 million light years from us, so everybody on it at this moment has now been dead for 30 million years.
