USDA official: you don’t qualify for food stamps

me: oh, snap

USDA official: you can’t get SNAP, either

me: what

I’m at the age where I look at old pictures of me to see if that mole always looked like this.

your charter school has a drone and robotics program, my charter school will have a defeating government drones and robots program

No fucking offense dude but I'm not interested in fucking life advice from anyone that fucking "leaves it to God"

I just heard a crazy old woman in the street yelling 'don't you fucking dare walk away from me you fucking bellend' and all I could think was 'mother?'.

few things are more shattering than looking around for your cup of coffee only to remember that you've already finished it

I wish my life was as mysterious as one shoe on the side of the highway.

hahahah

well, i mean, if da shew fits 🤷🏻‍♀️

baw-ston !

What's your sign?

i like big butts and sodium pentothal

true story, except for everything after the second “&” 😬

anteaters should eat a more balanced diet

why did we even domesticate peeves

😬

Any meal is a square meal as long as it comes with four sides.

*hnhnhnhn* thats French for hahaha

i once went to Boston Market™️ & they were out of chicken & they were like what’s your problem is that hahd for you to understand get back in your cah & gtfo of here & i was like ok just give me a cuppa cawfee & they were like what kinda stupid accent is that & i was like its a new yawk accent &

stfu, drafts 😡

Genuinely thinking about buying a cassette player walkman like I used to have

I'm sick of this sad future

Oooh...buy local. I thought you said "Bye, Loco."

I'm much more familiar with that last one.

Who up eating they feelings?

My parents couldn’t afford the name brand books so I had to make do with Wikipedia Brown.

New doctor: "Do you still have a uterus?"

Me: "Yes. Do you want it?"

THEM: omg they look just like you

ME: did you just call my baby ugly

lol i forgot about that post i posted *checks calendar* one hour ago

After I leave here they'll find me taking turns on a big spleef with a group of moots..

*Yes, I deleted the skeet with the typo. I've got no time for that shit to live on my feed.

So apparently assless chaps are “not work appropriate” and “disgusting on a man of my size.” Would have been nice to see that in the employee handbook BEFORE I got ready for work.