🤗

Sleestak from Land of the Lost

Therapist: did you have any trauma as a little kid?

Me:

St. Patrick's Day may be on the way but the Lucky Charms leprechaun is no longer a major celebrity. He's been magically D-listed.

oh hello, son 😘

commencing operation bitchin camero

found a time machine but it requires size A batteries

awwwwww shucks you guyzzz

do i know you ??

Experiencing
Technical difficulties
Won’t you please stand by?

- a broadcast network haiku

My teen is probably in the group chat talking about how his mom becomes a figure skating expert every four years.

😘 babe!! thank you!!

🤗 oh youuuuuu! thanks!

Sorry I can't make it. The rest of the week is looking super busy: Today is Prince spaghetti day. Tomorrow I fashion a shillelagh from a cursed oak burl. Friday is the timberdoodle show beneath the moon

i’m too awesome to suffer any consequences from hubris

I was thinking about cheese this morning

hahaha that one gave me a coffin fit omg please don’t kill me 😬

"YOU'RE DEAD TO ME"

Me on my first day as a mortician

IKR??!! IM AS SURPRISED AS YOU!! (hi, bébé or bèbè of dad)

I'll make it weird, but you gotta be cool about it.

You would think that given our national obsession with guns it would be easier to sell the idea of a bullet train here.

Museum Guide: So we keep all our best paintings here in this room

Me: *way too loud* HALL OF FRAME

Guide: *taking out tazer* Look away everybody

I forgot I'd thrown some spilled birdseed into the toilet so I thought there was something extremely wrong with me for a second.

i think if you turn up to the white house correspondents’ dinner this year, we don’t have to pay attention to anything you ever say ever again

😂

yikes!!

i must’ve left them in my other pocket 😬

Star Trek writers: We are thinking of a character named Geordi La Forge. Maybe an engineer?

Gene Roddenberry: Advisor.

Star Trek writers: Add visor? Okay.

You miss 100% of the hot dads you don’t try to run down with your van

jamesssss….🤗

fired ANOTHER plumber. like my problem is “hard water”???? ok bro that’s just ice like i’m not dumb