𝘙𝘰𝘴𝘦𝘮𝘢𝘳𝘺’𝘴 𝘉𝘢𝘣𝘺 is my favorite film about deviled eggs.

i have a sneaking suspicion. i have regular suspicions too, but this one is pretty sneaky

[pulling out laptop on a date] want to see my collection of browsers

🎶 Stuck tubes of pasta on a plate and called it macaroni 🎶

My flight has a crying baby a few rows back and two guys next to me talking about online gambling. I've asked the attendant if I can sit closer to the baby.

These boots were made for walkin'

These shorts were made for cargo

This shirt was made for polo

These socks were made for lovin'

Any porn using a descriptive blurb that includes the phrase ‘fucked by their boss’ is going to be way too triggering for me to watch.

so,,, Bread was his jam 😬

Panic! Anywhere really

one for the olds 😬

record co. ceo, 1973: record sales are down. you’re toast

Bread: what

boy, are you a seagull because i want to fight you in a parking lot for the last hot dog

This day in history. 1906. American soldiers and marines massacred hundreds of Moro villagers including children and women. General Leonard Wood took responsibility but in 2016 Philippine president and 76-time murderer Rodrigo Duterte blamed Barack Obama of course.

a pack of kittens closes in a a large dog standing on a chair

David Attenborough [whispering]:

“As the predators close in on their helpless prey, we can only watch in silent horror, for it is not man’s role to interfere in the hierarchy of nature.”

Anyone volunteer to save me from myself?

[Where’s Waldo, Paris]

5: I can’t find him daddy?

Me: I think he jumped off the Pont Neuf

7: Is he crazy?

M: Yes. He’s in Seine

9: Is it jokes like that why mommy left you, dad?

M: Yes, sweetheart, yes I think it is

my 11yo semi verbal autistic daughter has started saying "that's AI" instead of "that's bullshit" and I must say she is always correct at calling out bullshit

it’s #WorldBookDay 📚 you’re welcome

The best way to avoid an expensive divorce is by not getting married in the first place.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

I don't know where Waldo is. I have my own problems.

Men will start a war in the Middle East instead of going to Hell.

90% of the anger I have towards my son is caused by being jealous of his footie pajamas

ME: pack a bag, we’re flying to kansas

MY WAYWARD SON: what kind of bag

Hold up...I thought Diana Ross was the Supreme Leader?

[3:12 am]

brain: hey wake up let's think about everything

me: what do you mean by everyth-

brain: I SAID EVERYTHING

put my symptoms into WebMD and it said I have a really old joke format

MY SCREEN BUTLER: What will it be tonight, sir?

ME: I think I’d like my evening phone, please.

MY SCREEN BUTLER: Excellent choice, sir [takes my current phone out of my hand, wipes it lightly, and places it back into my hand]

posting about raccoons while 38,000 feet in the air. this is what my ancestors fought for.

Back in my day bonesmashing was when you stubbed your boner.

first beaver to see moving water: this has got to be stopped!