scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: santa claus?
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
what idiot called it a wave and not standing water
It is 10:30 tyvm 😂
a nutri-grain bar is just an uncircumcised fig newton
i’m not just good at sex, i’m a
ME: can i take your picture
MUSEUM CURATOR: what no
coworker thought that Michael Jackson covered Alien Ant Farm’s Smooth Criminal
I have never wound up on Threads on purpose.
man: i bet she’s thinking about other guys.
me: arby’s is pronounced rb’s which stands for roast beef.
why yes, I happen to know all the struggles of today’s modern women.
- me, after accidentally buying a pair of sweatpants without any pockets
“AI is gonna take your job” I’d like to see AI drink a little too much and text all his friends about how cherished they are
that’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, fighting with a pigeon
fix your hearts or die
me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
satan:
me:
satan: give it back…
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful...
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava...
What did this person think saying this in my mentions would result in
Can a headline alone be eligible for a Pulitzer?
Me: What’s your favorite farm animal?
Owen Wilson: Cow
Me: So is Panic! At the Disco saying it’s better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality, or poison rationality?
Doctor: I meant questions about your surgery.
i do not trust birds that stand on one leg. what are they hiding
their other leg
Me: So is Panic! At the Disco saying it’s better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality, or poison rationality?
Doctor: I meant questions about your surgery.
if I had a boss I would simply jump on their head three times to defeat them
You ever go back and watch episodes of your kids favorite shows just to fill in all the plot points you missed?
Just me then?
Who could have guessed that Neil Gaiman’s greatest work of fiction would be his kind, gentle persona?
Devastated
you’ll never guess what this is in response to
coworker thought that Michael Jackson covered Alien Ant Farm’s Smooth Criminal
