The Astra Militarum Handbook

Remember Guardsmen, using your Lasrifle's focusing crystal to start a fire is misappropriation of the Imperium's resources and you will be shot. If the God-Emperor wanted you to be warm, he would've deployed you to a Volcanic war zone. #warhammer40k

Remember Guardsmen, there is no escape from your service. That is all. #warhammer40k

Remember Guardsmen, throwing one grenade is fun. Throwing two grenades is awesome. Throwing three grenades is wasteful, and I should charge you with squandering the God-Emperor's holy munitions and have you shot. #warhammer40k

Remember Guardsmen, if the God-Emperor wanted you to be comfy, he would've given you a bigger ass. #warhammer40k

Remember Guardsmen, calling your Regimental Enginseer a toaster is offensive to toasters. Emperor Protect. #warhammer40k

Remember Guardsmen, we may have taken a break for the Holidays but the God-Emperor didn't. So sacrifice a Grox for his honour. Or maybe a Psyker. #warhammer40k

Remember Guardsmen, a good meltagun is like a good chilli. It burns. #warhammer40k

Remember Guardsmen, you don't need 13 reasons why. You need 1 reason. Cause I told you to! Now hope to it. #warhammer40k

Remember Troopers, your lasgun, flak vest, even your life aren't yours. They belong to the Munitorum to be issued as they see fit. In fact, I can't seem to find the issuing papers for you to have them. Just put them in that corner and don't touch them until I sort this out. #warhammer40k

Remember Guardsmen, a hug from a loved one is caring and welcome. A hug from a Tyranid is failing in your duty to not hug Tyranids. Don't hug the Tyranids Guardsmen, it's weird that I have to specify that. #warhammer40k

Remember Guardsmen, if you run into an Ork in a dark trench, that's a problem. If you run into two Orks, that's not your problem...cause you're dead. #warhammer40k

Remember Guardsmen, if you think this is bad, try joining a penal legion. #warhammer40k

If you join the Guard you'll be offered amazing opportunities, like digging in the dirt or digging in the wet. If you fall to Slaanesh, you'll be offered dirty, wet delights catering to every human desire. Either way, you'll end up in a hole. so join the Guard! Cause at least our hole doesn't bite.

Remember Troopers, lasfire is red, blood is red too, Orks think they get powers from being red, Khorne berserkers are also red. It's probable best to just steer clear of red things. #warhammer40k

I gotta admit the Successors book, filled with successor chapter short stories lives rent free in my brain. Witchbringer and Steel Tread get a big shout out too.

Remember Guardsmen, if the God-Emperor wanted you to have an opinion, the Departmento Munitorum would've issued you one. On a side note, if you were issued an opinion, please report to your Regimental Commissar for re-education. #warhammer40k

Attention Guardsmen! Announcement from your Regimental Commissar! Executions will continue until morale maintains a steady low. Emperor Protect. #warhammer40k

Remember Guardsmen, heretics want to shoot you, xenos want to shoot you, your squadmates probably want to shoot you, and your Commissar definitely wants to shoot you. So wear your Munitorum-issued Flak vest. It probably won't stop the bullets, but it'll help you feel better. #warhammer40k

Remember Troopers, the God-Emperor spent 10000 years forming the Imperium. His blessings upon us are innumerable. So next time everything around you is going to shit. before you go blaming anybody else. Stop, look in a mirror, and remind yourself who is really to blame. Horus Lupercal.
#warhammer40k