Janel Comeau 🍁

imagine overhearing your 12-year-old threaten to fuck their opponent’s mom over Xbox live and they are speaking to Bashar al-Assad

I think a Victorian orphan would survive drinking a McDonalds Sprite, but I think the sentence "in the future, Donald Trump opens a Qatari military base in Idaho" would have roughly a 38% mortality rate in the year 2002

it's crazy how fast movies become dated. for instance, the 2021 movie "Don't Look Up" no longer makes sense, because if an American scientist discovered a planet-killing comet heading towards us today, their main response would be "oh thank fuck for that"

boiling the oceans so a robot can check and see that you like Green Day and then recommend you a Green Day album that does not exist

The Tubby Custard machine

this is what my brain pictures when you tell me that you’re generating AI content

writing a 2025 version of "We Didn't Start the Fire" that is just four minutes of indistinguishable frustrated yelling that ends with an evacuation alert for an actual wildfire

genuinely hard to believe that the lyrics “and I scream at the top of my lungs, what’s going on?” were written in 1993. What’s going on is that you can buy a house for $4 and a button, get on that.

the thing about that “first they came for” poem is that we’re already at least 2-3 lines deep and it’s not a very long poem

every day I wake up and read a headline that sounds like something a concussed writer for The Simpsons would come up with while trying to make an intentionally stupid joke about George Orwell

when they said there'd be bread and circuses, they should have specified that the bread would cost 200% more than it did four years ago and the circuses are only available on your least favourite streaming network for $19.99/month

.... go on

went down a research rabbithole because I was curious how viruses get their names, and I don't know what I was expecting "papillomavirus" to mean, but it was not "nipple tumour virus", I can tell you that much

no one:

some Disney exec in 1995: obviously children won’t understand the theme of architectural preservation in the original Hunchback of Notre Dame. so write a song about the corruption of religious power and sexual resentment disguised as piety. I’ll book the chamber choir.

are you filling up Howl’s Moving Castle

when I was a kid my mom would make me give my little brother a turn on Crash Bandicoot and I would have to sit there and watch him run off the map and waste all my extra lives and that's sort of how it feels to watch the news right now

daily Chinese news headline: Scientists grow the world’s first functional human spine replacement from a single drop of blood

daily American news headline: White House declares that sunburns are caused by bees

just saw a French-language ad for the existence of Philadelphia, just in case anyone was wondering how desperate American businesses are for Canadian tourists to come back

POV: you just ate a piece of cheese and your dog can smell it on your fingers

I think we all do

Release the Earhart list! (of probable locations where Amelia Earhart’s plane crashed in the Pacific after running out of fuel, I guess, because there’s actually very little mystery about what happened to her)

[standing in line to watch Green Day perform 45 minutes of musical criticism of the Bush administration] gosh I hope there are no politics at this rock festival

everyone knows about the fight, flight, or freeze response, but fewer know about the 4th option (making the THX sound to ward off threats)

as you can see I am in no danger of being among the raptured

going outside to flash my tits at people mid-rapture tomorrow just to see if I can cause enough impure thoughts to send some of 'em crashing down

my definitely-on-the-spectrum dad flew under the diagnosis radar by working as a railroad dispatcher, the one job where you are actually expected to have an encyclopedic knowledge of train schedules

I have taken
the Tylenol
that was in
the medicine cabinet

and which
they think probably
is the reason
you like trains

forgive me
but that’s bullshit
you got autism
from your dad

will never understand how Canadians became known for saying “eh” when we should be known for our ability to make the phase “okay buddy” mean everything from “of course I will give my life for yours” to “I am the drunkest man alive and I am going to fight you in this parking lot”

vol 6 i.2 - Ink In Thirds “Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald   Come explore vol 6, i.2...

the issue is gorgeous and contains 126 pages, 125 of which are not about getting sexually harassed at a defunct Canadian department store

inkinthirds.org/vol-6-i-2/

if you’ve ever come to my page and thought “eh, her jokes are alright, but what I really want to see is bleak poetry about being sexually harassed while working at Zellers”, I have great news: my poem “Cutie With the Red Vest On” is out in @inkinthirds.bsky.social today!

News chyron reading “autism announcement” with a picture of RFK Jr

when my father tells me he’s having grilled meat and boiled potatoes for dinner for the 487th time in a row because “that’s what dinner is supposed to be”