Janel Comeau 🍁

really hoping we figure out some sort of cure for dementia in the next four decades because it runs in my family and I can already tell that I’m going to be a biter

I was put on earth to do one thing, and that is to make fun of Elon Musk on every platform available to me

me as a kid: wow I can't wait until we have robots and computers for everything

me now: if this toaster makes me download an app I am slipping out into the night to start a new life as a mysterious figure occasionally glimpsed in the fog

Nova Scotia restricting access to the woods to prevent forest fires means we're going to see the following two headlines every day for the rest of summer:

- Op Ed: Canada is a gilded prison of tyranny
- Firefighters battle forest blaze after tourist gasoline fight

do not approach the dog park

Travel, Activities in Woods Restricted to Prevent Wildfires

anyway, stay out of the woods

news.novascotia.ca/en/2025/08/0...

Instagram post from the nsgov Instagram account. Black and red text reads “STAY OUT OF THE WOODS”; the foreground is a black silhouette of trees

obsessed with this vague notice from the government of Nova Scotia. Like it’s definitely about the new fire restrictions, but it also looks like a poster you’d find yellowed and curled on the bulletin board of a diner in a town where locals won’t talk about their missing kids

George Orwell gets a lot of credit for predicting the future when he wrote 1984 in the year 1949, but here’s Aldous Huxley predicting the rise of AI slop in the year 1932

can’t believe we opted for 1984 dystopia (surveillance and denial of historical fact) and Fahrenheit 451 dystopia (erosion of literacy) instead of Brave New World dystopia (everyone gets fucked up on government-sanctioned drugs and goes to the movies all the time)

😊😊😊

Thank you so much!!!

😊😊😊😊

Comeau — Eavesdrop

I recorded the audio version myself, so you can enjoy my attempt at doing the voices of a couple who argue throughout the entire story.

www.eavesdropmagazine.ca/issue-4/comeau

if you like my little jokes you might also like my short fiction! My short story “Eighteen Hundred Dollars” is out in the latest issue of Eavesdrop Magazine.

@eavesdropmagazine.bsky.social

I had heard the phrase “history repeats itself” from a young age but somehow I always thought that would look like “80s fashion coming back” and not “hungry children with measles watch an autocrat drain their nation’s coffers to build a big tacky palace”

fly me to the moon
with your moon-icebox full of plums
let me taste how sweet they are
sorry about your breakfast, chum

my mom is upset that her dog caught a bird and I am trying to find the gentlest way to explain to her that any bird that can be taken out by an arthritic elderly 8lb chihuahua with four teeth was probably more than ready to go to its eternal glory

dug a gigantic tick out of my leg today so if anyone needs me I will be setting the entire province of Nova Scotia on fire

sisters in struggle 🤝

normally I try very hard to love every version of myself but the me who decided a week ago that I’d totally want to put a new fitted sheet on my bed at 11pm after getting home from vacation can fuck off into the sun

I have a good friend who’s an ultra smart sailing guy. Captain of his own ship, great job, 6’2. Maybe a touch obsessed with taking revenge on a whale who happens to be a metaphor for the futility of human ambition but a good dude.

Legit cannot find a gf. Feel for him.

I knew someday I'd get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go "is that a new singer" and then a person born in 2007 goes "ew no they're a peeble streamer on doop" as I inch closer to the grave

Headline by Joey Nolfi reading “White House lashes out at South Park over spoof of Donald Trump in bed seducing Satan: Desperate Attempt”

I think a Victorian orphan could survive drinking a McDonalds Sprite but I don’t think an average person in 2003 could survive reading this headline

just thought to myself that maybe I should change outfits between my daytime and nighttime plans and instantly felt years of Cosmo magazine kick in like activated sleeper cell training

Selfie of the author’s eyes peeking out from the bottom of the screen with an aquarium shark in the background

pleased to announce that I have made the acquaintance of this shark

I am once again writing my personal struggles in The Beaverton

my brother has stopped measuring large distances in hours and has begun measuring large distances in tanks of gas. I feel like I’m watching the final evolution of nonsensical Canadian units of measurement

okay but do we think they stayed to watch the rest of the concert

desperately need to know if Coldplay sang that "I used to rule the world" song before or after the CEO got caught cheating on the jumbotron

I have taken
my mistress
to the Coldplay
concert

at which
I was probably
meant
to be with my wife

forgive me
I am a CEO
so embarrassed
and so cold