captain dipshit

💔

"Joy is not made to be a crumb."

Just cut me wide open, why don't you

Geminis stop trying to match with me on Bumble challenge please I am BEGGING

The thing about wearing fishnets outside all day is that you should also wear sunblock 🙃 whoooops

God, I love therapy. If anyone has my back, it's Pam.

Got Banshee a catio so he can experience the outside world without decimating the local bird population. He is my son and by GOD I will spoil him rotten

the next person to purposely mispronounce "ian" because they clock me as afab is going in the meat-grinder chop chop no time to waste

Have to leave in 5 minutes. Still in bed. A tale as old as time.

Face reveal 😮

Happy Birthday, Banshee!! Maybe this year we'll finally take your white ass to Six Flags 🤞😽❤️

This summer we're gunna be reframing, reclaiming, moisturizing, and therapizing. I'm gunna be so hydrated my bladder will be a liability

I keep finding myself thinking about how there's a grocery store chain called Food Lion and somehow everyone is completely okay with it

He yearns to wreak havoc on the local ecosystem

Using multiple CVS extra-bucks coupons followed by a 40% Off Entire Purchase coupon feels exactly like playing a Reverse, Reverse, Reverse, Draw 4 in Uno and I know you know I'm fucking right

I know the Vyvanse is hitting when I get the overwhelming urge to buy antiques for my girlfriend

He's thinking about guns

I've been attempting to teach my cat the concept of One Crime at a Time. It is not going well.

Say a prayer for rotisserie chickens because I'm on my way to the grocery store unsupervised and hungry as hell

"When will Möther come home from War?"

Ever since I was a little kid I knew I wanted to spontaneously develop a plethora of random allergies in my early 30s

Just invented Hot Drink. It's whatever you're drinking, but hot.

Booby Tuesday!

Nothing like discovering you've never taken a deep breath in your life after being prescribed your first inhaler! I have been wheezing for 34 years

Doctor thinks I have pneumonia, but wont know for sure til they check out my chest x-ray. They prescribed me an inhaler that my insurance isnt convinced I need, though, which is fun! Anyway, who wants to help me dig a hole to die in? Ground might not be soft enough yet but we can work in shifts

I think I tried Mentopolis once and I had a hard time getting hooked, but the others definitely sound promising! Thanks for the recs!

I'm a yapper. A gabber. It's in my blood.

Pretty sure I have laryngitis. Google says that refraining from talking helps. Well, guess I'm fucked.

I'm embarrassed to say that it took me getting knock-down, drag-out sick to finally get into Dimension 20 on Dropout (I know, I know) - I'm just about to wrap up Never Stop Blowing Up (which was incredible) and I have no idea what D20 adventure to dive into next. Suggestions?

I want to go for a walk in the woods soooo bad, bro