he usually sleeps at 2 am now, and wakes up often around 1 pm or earlier when he usually wakes up around 9 or 10 am, did i do this?

i think i am making progress, but now i fear on asking him to be my valentines, he might just, decline it or make fun of me saying like "you chose him over our relationship"

how funny, we ended on "would you fall in love with me again"

for i, would continue to love him despite everything, but would he still love me? when I am not the same person anymore?

does he truly think i dont love him? or he doesnt love me anymore but just want to see me beg?

jealousy is really getting to me, something i really want to get rid off but he is feeding into it and it's driving me insane, and i am scared that i might end up forgetting myself again

but of course i will leave if he disrespects me, insult me endlessly, and so far he havent- i think, he doesn't want to let go of me, and i like to think he still loves me deep inside but of course the anger is still there

i dont have anyone to talk about this situation anymore, they expected me to already cut him off because he is not good for me. but i didnt because i want to prove to him that i will stay and be that exception, that i love everything about him, the good, bad, and worst ones

into a big issue again" and i dont want us to argue anymore, especially with that topic.

my words like when i said "i dont love anyone" and he would go like "so you dont love me? ok, congrats on moving on" which he obviously knew i meant that i only love him and him only

i think, i would've been easily ticked off but i stayed calm and patient or else he will go "you're making things-

another update, me and him seem to be more okayish? every time he tries to bring up the topic, i automatically decline, try not to bring it up at all cost and shut it down as fast as i can

it feels like he is coming back to me but he still feels incredibly distant, whenever he tries to interpret

i still dont know what words to say, i am afraid that i might rope him in with my words or make the pain more lasting

he offered me a message relay since i couldnt message him on discord, possibly blocked, i thank him for the offer though i know i could still reach M through reddit

yesterday, M's best friend sent a question to my "ask me anything!" but it's really not a question but more like apologizing about M

of course I messaged, asked how M is, he told me that M reached enlightenment but the grief of leaving me still stays

i am not ready for the moment when he declines to be my valentines, i know i will make a fool of myself

i miss hearing his laughter, looking at his face, and his kisses, wearing his hoodie and our ring is not enough, i want to be around him and cling on him

i dont deserve happiness

i wont be ever enough

will things get better?

i really miss M, but he has all the right to leave especially in my state of things. i will remember the friendship fondly

i cant ever leave. i just can't.

i love him. and i will never leave.

guys what if someone actually asked him out on a valentines date, ahahahwhabwksnwmBz

this day has been chaotic
- changing how schedules
- ends up being a classmate with my year batch
- my long time frend compliments
- my professor compliments me
- lost my friend M.

god this fuciing jealoush is making me wide awake

he drives me into complete insanity- what if he already found someone interesting? thats why he told me that? he found someone in real life who told him i love you and started to doubt her love for him? i dont know

it, made me start to think that, no matter how i expressed my love for him, it would never be enough because i am not there physically. its, making my heart hurt a little

he said
---
find it strange that the ones who “love” me are generally people who can’t even see me
and the people who can see me and say they “love” me eventually come to no longer love me
---

i have been just, thinking what he said

before he went to sleep, he was thinking on making me jealous and i was like do it then he went nah cuz I will continue imagining it anyway then i asked him if someone already has asked him to be his valentines which he obviously avoid of course and made fun of my typos then just slept

though it confirms that he has been looking into my Instagram accounts and threads account (i already assumed he did) and knows that i would be asking him on the 13th...