⸸

all im saying is that this is the most system I've ever been. most genuinely valid as plural I've been in a few years. I'm beefing with kids in my brain and I'm considering deleting this bluesky account

yes.. 🐢🐢🐢

i guess if i had to put us in a linear gradient it'd look like this, but we are more of a gra dient map within a color wheel...

🐛✨️🐀🪤🪰🥀🕊
🦇
🔥

just kidding i couldn't make it linear even in a little exercise for fun.

🪰 — ok I think i can now safely say that I AM a part & 🪤 is basically. uh. I'm assuming everybody. when we are whole for the most part. so I AM 🪤 but more specifically I'm 🪰. and he is me but I'm a more specified version of him.

I jest. that's still me (🪰)

I think 🥀 is moreso the goth side of me and 🪰 is obviously the metalhead. Jury's still out on who the juggalo is

I can just be me whenever I want. I don't need special permission or excuse for it.

none of them are real. trust me, I wish they were

my parts may not front often if ever but I do fall into moments of clarity and I realize something about them will full certainty that I didn't realize beforehand

generally speaking i wonder if ✨️ was/is an introject. I guess so. I kept trying to compartmentalize him as the same person I was at 16--one of the people i was at 16, obviously I was more than one guy back then. but yknow. maybe ✨️ is new. newish. split from the same person i used to be maybe. idk

old dusty painting I did for halloween 2020, during the pandemic haha
Oil painting on paper

I think anyone who's even slightly smart would know generative ai isn't a fucking file type you can work on like that. this has nothing to do with the industry those people are fucking stupid idiots. Just fucking say it like it is.

how often is a part gonna show up and be like "im the realest one!!! these others arent though" yeah ok you and the 5 others who came before who said the same shit

🕊 is an ageless angel trapped in the body of an 11 year old girl, trapped in the body of a 23 year old butch chick. she's me when I'm age regressed as a parentified little girl, a little girl who only knows how to be your mommy and not much else. she doesn't know how to be a normal kid.

🕊 is rose as well

🕊 was around last night & likely is capable of being around at any given time for now. of course she wasn't going to post on here she's got bigger fish to fry. alas

this is why dissociative disorders are stupid and every part of me who's ever tried to define myself in parts or compartmentalize is stupid. its an impossible feat. if I'm a dissociative part I have not been accounted for despite arguably being one of the realest of them.

I've just been taking care of them rather than socializing or existing for myself. or anything. i don't want to do anything but prioritize my family's happiness and health. I don't want to do anything i can't control. or aid in. I don't feel like a whole person like I remember feeling

suddenly realizing it do not feel as multifaceted as I used to. I feel less like a developed person and more like somebody with a role to play. I feel like I exist to do some kind of job and nothing else. I haven't been living for myself lately. I've been living for my family and loved ones

I feel no self love to appreciate these parts of me. embarassing, emotional, edgy, whatever else. goodnight

or something. idk. when I get like that I have several different trains of thought trying to commentate / add something at once and it gets overwhelming and distracting. parts of me screaming out to feel and process and parts of me fighting to repress and ignore

I genuinely think thst maybe the "parts" i think I csn label and differentiate between are insanely inaccurate compartmentalizations of my dissociation that I just attribute to stages of my life or something. and instead it's more accurately differentiated by type of trauma/trigger

whatever. differentiating between "parts" is pointless but I just had a conversation eith myself and processed something so

stupid poets.

boohoo you get triggered and enter a different mindset. yeah? that's how it works. you don't get to pretend you're different people about it. grow up and act your damn age

its quite annoying when you can tell you're trying to delude yourself into some random bullshit that's never been real. like part of my brain is clawing at me trying to convince me we're plural rather than the same as literally everybody else alive with ptsd.

at this rate the next time I feel an emotion I'll be compelled to label my apathy as a separate part. like I think my ass is sanders sides or something. I'm being antagonistic on purpose here btw

Wow am I fucking tired though. not hungry anymore either. head feels heavy

nevermind about that I realized I don't care. Just choose to stop caring and it works like a damn charm. Yep. I don't even know why I thought I was triggered over that or why I channeled 🕊 for no reason. Lowkey embarassing

and I'm hungry!!! but I just wanna go to bed. washing my neck didn't make the feeling go away either