howdy!
so i found the seed for my first ever minecraft world
wanna see me start from scratch and make it my forever world?
Revlandia Ep. 1
twitch.tv/StarlightRLD
thank u and sorry for like trauma dumping almost
i rlly hope we can too haha
she was so good at helping all of us be happy, but the last five years just wore her down again and again until she was nothing but the negative thoughts she tried to keep out. and then, she was told she should kill herself using triggers trusted to someone to avoid
so she listened
i just miss her
and she lost that job, too. met another person who was terrible for her
lost our sister for almost a year bc of how poorly they were both doing
finally meet someone new while looking for another job. lose both bc they were too demanding and refused to change
it all just broke her.
on. she quit her job due to it being demanding and the transphobia. got a second job after a few months of feeling worthless and like nothing would change. broke up with that person. lost a lot of her valuables to them
then, her brother died, and it became clear that even in death, she was behind
she realized she could never live up to the care, attention or love that her brother recieved, that she was always playing second fiddle and as long as she was in this house, that couldn't change
so she worked a transphobic job, started saving up, met someone who used her, whom she spent thousands-
part of me wishes so badly that she never remembered what happened
u should've seen her in 2019-2021
she was an absolute powerhouse
unstoppable
then she remembered, and everything started going wrong
she realized her home didn't care abt supporting her
she began to think she was her trauma
she was our hope that things could get better, that we could put enough effort into making it all work out
she was the loudest speaker on the magic and power of change, how none of us are the same moment to moment, how we're allowed and expected to invent who we are as humans
and she's gone
we weren't entirely sure how to respond to this at first, and even now i second-guess myself
(i'm not who wrote the original thread)
yes, the unhealthy thought patterns of Rose have almost led to our death
but she's been our light in the dark, she got us through 7 extremely demanding years
adult from time to time i mean, we're also being generally more active and eating a HELL of a lot better, i'm rlly proud of us (mostly me lol)
been focusing on fiber and protein intake, limiting carbs, nearly completely cutting sugar except from fruit
we're in weekly therapy!
and we're on E injc!
(scrshot)
i ate a banana n drank some water n made it to the bathroom, hopefully i can stand long enough to shower
OH ALSO I WENT ON OUR FIRST WALK SINCE HALLOWEEN LAST WEEK N I CRUSHED THE TWO HOURS I SPENT OUT THERE
we're trying to be healthier n more active, who say it can't be adult
- serena
You suffer the signs that you needed to change.
You heed all the ways you'd been thinking.
You close your eyes and take a deep breath.
You'll come back and try again another day.
You view it as a form of physical therapy.
You feel stupid for struggling, and the urge to self-harm somewhere less impactful rises like bile in the back of your throat.
You resist.
You remind yourself you're trying.
You remind yourself you're making progress.
You've been trying to play more piano, but the body's long history of self-harm, especially on the arms, has been making it difficult.
You've decided to take a step back and play Clone Hero, something that will keep playing music even if you miss a note.
You're not good at it.
But you try.
the world, as we know it in this minute, no longer carries her spark.
no more Rose Lynn Darling.
no more Wosey.
a complacently nihilistic michelle
...
Great!!
Now get out.
The others are like animals, but I am very aware.
You're not allowed here.
You'll spend eternity here, you'll never let go.
it's so odd to have this branding, visage and name, created by her, created for her, created of her, and she's just... gone.
we'd tried breaks in the past, during the last 5ish years, but, they never took. she always influenced the body or thoughts or would come back.
it's been almost two months.
two months
lil less than, happened after the train ride
being broken to the point of attempting, failing and feeling like she's the worst person to grace this earth and needed to keep trying to die because those were the last things she took to heart, i... don't know if she's ever coming back.
well okay actually no
we've been cut-free since then!!
we were supposed to go home before christmas but rose had a breakdown and kept banging her head on the walls as hard as possible before nurses came in and restrained us!
but yeah
her rampant suicidality is why she's been dormant for two month
hunger + gender dysphoria combo so bad i'm making myself a penisni-press sandwich at 10pm
btw we got our knife back after we gave it to the body's mom after our job made rose wanna kill herself and she sliced our arm open with it in september
she made it an even worse scar on halloween before staring off into the lake below her, but that was a rusty razor
we've been SH free since then!
GOD FUCKING DAMMIT CAN A GIRL NOT JUST FIDGET WITH HER BUTTERFLY KNIFE LIKE A DUMBASS
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I THWACKED IT ACROSS MY KNUCKLES USING STORED ENERGY FROM THE HINGES
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I LOOK LIKE A DUMBASS WITH A BRUISED KNUCKLE AND A CUT ACROSS IT
Did you know that we have a 96.73% chamce of turning to The Dark Side of The Force? It's true!!
Come watch the end of the Lego prequels!
"Serena, The Sith is Revengeful!"
Twitch.tv/StarlightRLD
Daisy, the Lego Clones Attack!
(Lego'd Star-ed War Skywalk Sage Episode II)
Twitch.tv/StarlightRLD
🦉
So you have a cool idea. Great! Now what?
First, use discernment. Not every idea will lead to a good outcome. Imagine the end result.
Second, use skills and make it a real thing. People want to experience it, not hear about it.
Discernment and skills take a LOT of time to develop, so start there!
If you want to watch me word (edit streams into videos), go ahead.
Or just keep me company so I don't go insane.
Twitch.tv/StarlightRLD
Oh, what would Daredevil do.
I'd rather ask forgiveness for what I'm capable of, but that's not justice.
"Leave the demon to its demons", Charlie would say.
Funny.
//
Seeing you powerless is like music to me :D
