Emery Emery

Today is national pet day. So make sure you get into some heavy petting.

Which epoch?

See the universe at @BigBendFarFlung … the Bug Bend region is one of the best places for stargazing and astrophotography in the WORLD. Finally see the Milky Way galaxy! #ad TikTok video by ASTRO ALEXANDRA 🪐

Wouldn't it be nice if in the United States everybody agreed one night per year, every light would be turned off so we could see the sky in its natural state?

This idea came to me after watching Astro Alexandra's TikTok.

www.tiktok.com/t/ZT2GKhSVB/

Can someone please explain this post to me?

First they came for the leftists, and I spoke out— then they arrested and killed me.

The definition of insanity is believing an example is a definition. In fact, if you think the previous sentence is a definition, I'm sorry, you are insane.

Do you know what's insane? Believing an example is a definition.

Wouldn't a zombie apocalypse be perfect right about now?

I waited nearly 2 years to post this. Now everyone is going to say "too late".

Our government did this.

I'm going to start a band called "For Lease". Just think of all the free advertising.

Why don't they make the entire house out of chimney material?

Luigi Mangione should be sentenced to American healthcare without the possibility of appeal.

I wonder if the homeless are watching all this and thinking, "We sure picked the right time to not have a house"

If Trump deports 20 million illegals, who’s going to rebuild Los Angles?

To all my friends and family who are worried about me. God is watching out for me because he made me too poor to live anywhere near the wildfires.

I guess if you're gonna eat the rich first, you have to cook the rich.

My memory is so bad I often forget how bad my memory is.

I'm just gonna say it, Chris Hanson has a hard on for pedophiles.

Why is my brain always trying to make me fat?

I have never broken a New Year's resolution. When I was 13, I made my first and only New Year's resolution to never make another New Year's resolution.

Is there anyone wrestling with imposter syndrome who actually is an impostor?

Not you, Magic Johnson.

The one time I met an incel, I made the embarrassing mistake of saying, "It's fine, you do you".

Tomorrow, Thursday night at the Improv if you'd like to see me do some comedy joke words.

improv.com/hollywood/ev...

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In fifth grade, our homeroom teacher told us to write on a piece of paper what we wanted to be when we grew up. I wrote CEO of the largest American insurance provider. Today I took that piece of paper off the fridge and threw it away.

Listen, I know this is an unpopular opinion, but I think it's a bit too early to be talking about gun control.

I'm pretty sure the Board of Directors at anthem insurance are trying to get rid of their CEO with this announcement declaring they aren't going to pay for anesthesia for surgeries that run longer than the insurance company think it should.