Gary Allen!

SEE YOU TONIGHT, WEST PALM!

And, just like that, @jimmykimmel.com is back. He should extend a guest invitation to Mr Smileyface here. They can commiserate and talk about what it's like to have a show canceled. One of them is back; the other's career is over.

Gary Allen sees that Facebook now has a thing where you can designate yourself a "Digital Creator." Many high school boys in the 1980s were...how you call? "Digital Creators."

Where in the world is Gary Allen? Well, he ain't gone just yet, so to hell with all of you who wished it. And for those of you just joining the stupidity, "Oh, hi."

How hot is the weather in South Florida right now? For once in his life, Gary Allen's not the hottest thing happening.

Gary Allen has heard differing theories on accepting social media friend requests but has his own. What is his secret? See you at the next appearance.

Gary Allen's never been a fashionista, but he's got thoughts on a fashion trend that has made its way around social media recently.

In the words of the late, great Ted Cherry, "Lemme tell you this." GA's agent smacked it out of the park, talking with someone over dinner tonight about an appearance or few. Look out, Boynton Beach, Florida, you could be the next stop while the tour is on a brief hiatus for the holiday week.

Nothing sucks worse for a standup comedian than barely being able to stand up. GA's ego is slightly bruised, but fine after a tumble in a parking lot last night laid him out on hot pavement like a pancake on a griddle. There will eventually be a joke about it. You're gonna have to wait a bit.

Comedy writing itself makes Gary Allen's job SO MUCH easier. See you this summer, Delray Beach. Arts Garage is the place. Date TBA.

Just added: Gary Allen is planning to appear at Arts Garage in Delray Beach, Florida over the summer. There's just nothing firm to write home about yet. THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

It's almost Easter. Where my Peeps at on BlueSky?

GA finds comedy and audiences everywhere. He went to a funeral on Sunday. It's not a funeral if there's no fun in it. Looking around, he noted that one could pick any two names and have the name of a law firm. Then, he looked at the eue cards. Family laughed. "Injured in an accident? Call.."

Gary Allen is a little behind on his whining about The President. When the fountain of bullshit flows so much, it's difficult to keep up. He rooted for The Chiefs last weekend. The next morning?

Gary Allen's team is working on getting the next tour sponsored by a certain deodorant that's running a TV ad blitz right now because he's got a lot of thoughts on the stuff. So, @lumedeodorant.bsky.social , are you in?

Everyone has different standards for adding friends on social media. What does it take to get onto Gary Allen's list? You'll hear about it on stage.

What I imagine will happen in DC on Monday. No caption necessary.

How old is Mr. Gary Allen? Oh, shit, there's a whole joke about it. You can find out at the next one of these exclusive events. Tickets for today's appearance are gone. Please keep the great people of LA in mind this week. Give wck.org a gift for GA's birthday.

Happy New Year from your friends at The Gary Allen Show. THANKS FOR LISTENING!

Who's the absolutely incompetent person who decided to hire Elon Musk to work with Vivek Ramaswamy? Oh, that schmuck.

Gary Allen has resumed Don't Shave December while he gets some well-deserved R&R in Palm Beach County, Florida. I'm sure some jokes about a nearby asshole will get written. We'd try them on him, but he is no Chris Christie. This schmuck has absolutely zero sense of humor.

Guys, take GA's advice. He's been around the block a few times. Work romances can be dicey unless the boss signs off on them. Just don't stain the office carpet. IJS. And don't press your fucking luck and try for a work three-way, unless she's from HR, in which case nobody will hear about it.

A warning if you're thinking about heckling GA at a show, just remember who's the one with a microphone in his hand for the purpose of making people laugh. That's why they pay GA the big bucks.

This is the tour bus the promo team liked for the World Tour. GA approves. If you see this thing in your town, it'll be loaded with fun.

Gary Allen sincerely hopes you turkeys had a great Thanksgiving. This one is stuffed. The diet resumes NOW. Shit.

Mr. Gary Allen extends a warm Happy Thanksgiving to his fans in The United States. He will be taking the week off with fam in South Florida to get a tan and thank goodness for you and for stuffing. GA really loves sausage stuffing. I heard that. Shit, you turkeys are perverted.

Well, now that there's nothing but BlueSky from now on, it's good to see the following here growing. Okay, everyone tell your friends who should be following Gary Allen...perfect!

What's that? You went to South Florida to see your Bubbe for Thanksgiving? Oy, vey, so you'll put on a sweater or something, bubelah. You don't wanna freeze your tuchis off!

I once saw Rosie O'Donnell at The Kennedy Center. (She was also surprised that she got a gig there.) She whined about how glamorous it was supposed to be, but with the wood floors, it was "like a fucking VFW." The rest of it was forgettable. You'll remember GA wherever you see him - even the VFW.

If my bullshit ramblings there were called "Tweets" and future President Whatshisface's things are supposedly "Truths," then WTF are things up in here?