DeeDastardly

I keep my friends close, but my cheese and wine closer.

My life is loosely based on a true story.

I've always respected and admired people who think before they speak.

Every day a new test of my composure.

Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.

I think it would be cool to merge retirement homes, children’s homes, and animal shelters. A community where older people teach young children about life and take care of abandoned animals together. I bet it would do wonders for everyone involved.

The United States is the new Evil Empire.

You think you know fear, I've seen me naked.

I know that you know that I know that you know that I know what you did last summer.

So now you know.

“Put them in the freezer, we’ll make banana bread with them” and other lies we tell ourselves.

Nothing good comes from putting on pants.

I only get called ‘lady’ by little kids who don’t know any better.

Good news, guys. My shitshow has been renewed for a second season.

My toxic trait is thinking I can fix my entire life by buying a new notebook.

busy ghosts keep a to-boo list

Feels good.

I love watching the sun rise, but I prefer not to be driving to work when it happens.

Her: How’s your anger management therapy going?

Me: Long time no seethe.

In these awful times, it’s important to remain sexy in our own stupid fucked up little ways

The older I get the more I regret not having told more people to fuck off.

ugh sequels. charlie xcx? how many chocolate factories does that kid need to go to?

I got stuck behind a learner driver on the way to work this morning.

I learned so much, it was awesome.

*watching exciting ending of action movie

Wow, I wonder how they keep those floors so shiny?

It's not graffiti. That building wanted a tattoo

I’d fight a bear* for you
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(*teddy)

I care about people.

Whoops, sorry I meant cheese.

I care about cheese.

Ordering an extra pizza just to have a few cold slices for breakfast.

imagine hating me and I’m just over here converting my old fruit of the looms into rags to check the oil

These glutes were made for walking

With Evil doing so well these days I fully expect spiders to grow very large and take over the planet