math professors love going off on tangents hahaha why don’t i have any friends
If you put a fig leaf to your ear you can hear Adam and Eve’s privates.
I want you to know that I hear you. I’m not actually listening and I don’t like it, but I hear you.
🎶I’m every woman
Sit down to pee
I asked my doctor if there's a name for my back condition. He said, "It's called 'being alive in your sixties.”
Oh great. So the cure is dying?
Just because I’m here doesn’t mean I’m here.
an imaginary threesome, call that a mirage à trois
Looking forward to being 90 years old, gathering the kids around me so I can dispense sage wisdom from my many years of life, but it’s nothing but lyrics to 311 songs.
“You know kids, the fish who keeps on swimming is the first to chill upstream, that’s what I’ve always said…”
How am I? I don't answer trick questions.
hard to believe that for almost two decades i was the height of professionalism and decorum and now i can’t go an hour without rolling my eyes and doing the jerk off motion
It's Monday all day today, and there's no known way to prevent this.
Nobody ever tells me to just bring myself.
I've never met a dog that I've wanted to ignore.
Reality 1 or 2?
1 or 2?
Me: can I see them again
1 or 2?
1 or 2?
Me: neither
I know I'm old now because when someone asks how I'm doing I tell them the truth without mercy
This is Albie. He was so touched by his family singing happy birthday in his native language that he didn't notice the cupcakes with his face on them. 13/10 hbd Albie #SeniorPupSaturday (TT: _sallyv)
A remake of Taxi Driver called My Fare Lady
Note to self: write note to self.
Wow, I never thought that Ouchie Insurance would ever pay out for lighting my Tesla on fire.
*picks up old bottle from ocean, reads message*
Why don't you ever answer your phone?
"PUT THE FUCKING CASH IN THE FUCKING BAG OR I'LL BLOW YOUR FUCKING FACE OFF!"
And that was the last time I ever played Monopoly with the kids.
[googling] how to monetize belly button lint
I can't understand the words to Funky Cold Medina. I guess you could say I'm Tone Loc deaf.
I could go for a nice cuddle and maybe a butt grab.
I'm so old that when I first saw it in the cinema it was just called Star Wars.
they say dress for the job you want so I wear my pajamas to work every day
My house has a bed and I can eat breakfast whenever I want. Why would I pay someone for theirs?
Crazy
PLEASE, get comfortable with going to events, movies, concerts, coffee shops, museums by yourself so you don't miss out on life waiting for people.
sommelier: would sir care for wine?
me: care for it? I’d nurture it like it’s my first born
😂😂😂
