Craig Deeley

Ever since I saw the movie Jaws I’ve been terrified of going into the ocean with a canister of compressed air in my mouth.

Loved it!

Being accused of being tired when you are a little kid is worse than being accused of murder.

Little trip to gorgeous Ronda, Andalucia

I hate being bald and walking the same direction as another bald guy. It looks like we’re being summoned by our king

Tofu was first mentioned in 1876 in the book The Adventures of Tom Soya.

I'm doing a course in gastronomy. Today we learned about Gneptune

Websites are like, Forgotten your password? Click here and start trying to remember a new one, you useless piece of shit.

“That’s just what they want you to believe”
- Me, looking at best-before dates of stuff in my fridge

Will do

Love to. Drop me a DM

Thanks! 🙏

It’s delightful!

Loving Malaga, first time back for 7 years

Good luck to all my comedy chums going to the Edinburgh Fringe. I hope it’s all you want and more.

*mutes Edinburgh*

I'm just a boy standing in front of a boy standing in front of a girl standing in front of a man. I'm in a queue, basically

NO MORE MISTER NIGHT SKY.

Shame it’s closed, I wanted to buy some Cillit & Bang

I may be old but at least I’ll never have to do another forward roll again.

A bunch of optometrists is called a focus group

All I want is someone to match my texting inconsistency.

"Wow, how many hands has this guy got?"
- pet hamster being taken out of its cage

People quite rightly talk about gun and knife crime but no one ever mentions the people killed softly with his song.

Tonight! Cambridge Rd Methodist Church, Moseley. 7.30pm
www.skiddle.com/whats-on/Bir...

There comes a time in life when you just have to come to terms with the fact that you'll never truly know if brown rice is properly cooked

If the past really is a foreign country, I’m surprised that the Daily Mail would want to live there.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

Like normal apples but they last much longer