Craig Deeley

I couldn’t do an auto-Heimlich Manoeuvre to save me life.

The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief

In olden times people used 'hath' and 'doth' for 'has' and 'does' because they lost their teeth much earlier.

“Hey. I’m not judging”
— lazy judge

Bollocks, Where’s my car?

The most disappointing thing for me when I visited the Louvre was that none of its doors had slats

Strange name for a dog

I remember when the main Nazis we had to worry about were grammar ones

you can’t sue car companies. they have auto-immunity .

I wonder if U.K. Gold could possibly do some sort of advert for that Fawlty Towers stage play?

AND THEN SHOW IT IN EVERY COMMERCIAL BREAK.

Still no response from my Microsoft Error Report 11 years ago

They should have a special rapture for people like me who missed the rapture because they were on the toilet. They could call it the crapture.

BREAKING NEWS: TYLENOL RESEARCHERS FIND DISTURBING LINK BETWEEN DONALD TRUMP AND JEFFREY EPSTEIN

When you're grieving Charlie Kirk at 7 but you've got a Royal Rumble cage match with John Cena at 8.

YES I’LL JUMP TO RECIPE

I'm just a boy, standing in front of an open fridge, knowing this is not what I came in here for

Dutch late night TV has its take

In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed

“I don’t know the Malverns or Brecon Beacons but they sound funny”
“Yes, they’re hill areas”

Calling Jeffrey Epstein ‘the paedophile financier’ makes him sound like something from Patisserie Valerie

Northern Ireland's favourite game show is Countydown

I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it's covered in fridges

Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren't we supposed to eat fish?

All the bad stuff that’s going on is punishment for not copying and pasting your Facebook friend’s status to “see who actually reads it”

When I drape some toilet paper over the bath to help the spider climb out

You join us live from Danny Dyer’s birthday drinks.

"First place the heel of one hand in the centre of the chest, Master Luke"
- CPR3PO

I like how an electrician is nicknamed a spark but a plumber or gas engineer is never a drip or a smell