JSlow

Animal costumes are banned from the zoo after last Halloween’s tranquilizer dart incident.

I can be misinterpreted all day long, won’t stop me from singing my song

damn

my dream is to take my murderer off the street by causing them to be caught and they’ll be like, “damn, should’na killed that guy.”

[being murdered as a chronic illness haver]

murderer: *murdering*

me: oh my god this is going to be so much cheaper

This is how our government has been corrupted:

1) Donors give huge sums to elect politicians to office
2) Elected officials rewrite rules in the donors' favor
3) Donors make huge profit
4) Repeat

We must get big money out of politics.

It is the root of our dysfunction.

They aren't just mad that Obama became president, although that did trigger them for eternity.

They're mad about the Civil Rights Act.

They're mad about the Civil War.

Look at everything they do and you should be able to guess where this is going.

south will rise again in full effect

might start replying to bots before following them back, just to check the game

Jeannie just told our cat, “they will be eating the cats, they will be eating the dogs, be prepared.”

It still blows my mind that circles have a whopping 360 degrees

It’s a lot.

Not only is everyone 12 but they are 12 year old haters.

truth

Does the tooth fairy give money for adult teeth that aren't your own? I just found a ton in this waffle house parking lot

*skateboards into custody hearing*

sometimes I do want to tell my children like, you are going to need to learn to lie better than that

could be worse

oh man

who?

mike johnson's wife: (exiting bathroom) seriously mike why did you leave an empty toilet paper roll in there

mike johnson: oh well that is news to me. toilet paper? and you're saying we have a bathroom of some kind ??

You know what could make America great?, healthcare and a living wage for the working class.

I love the idea that we can't call it socialism because it scares people. it's like when I tell toddlers my ice cream is spicy so they won't want to eat it.

Your comment "You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!" was removed for violating community guidelines.

apparently I’m allergic to gluten free

hello darkness my old frenemy

*takes a deep breath of autumnal air* must be the season of the witch

Y

I was really surprised he didn’t use Covid as a pretext to fuck the elections more during his first time in office and now that he’s had a taste of not being in office he’s never leaving.