The Bearminator

I did it all for the spookie

Sorry I thought you were doing a striptease when you’d actually freaked out after walking face-first into a spiders web.

You can keep those dollar bills, it’s fine.

I’m going to be an adult about this, I said, setting fire to another My Little Pony.

Me [age four]: I’m more of a Hans Pagan Andersen guy myself

Learning to be grateful that my kids stay up so late because when the apocalypse hits, someone needs to take the night watch.

Arkansas Razorback players Clarke Moore, Brett Goode, and Casey Dick seen from behind on the touchline of a match about 20 years ago.

Me picking my fantasy NFL squad

I feel like I’m watching the news by gaslight lately…

Johnny and Baby perfecting the lift in Dirty Dancing, but it's just me picking up my prescriptions

Any day you forgot to Wordle or didn't get a chance was probably a productive or fun day.

Is it acceptable to compliment a coworker’s hair?

She’s wearing a short skirt and no underwear.

I called someone a "fuckface asshat dirigible" tonight

just tried to search for pictures of a lion’s mane and apparently some stupid supplement uses that name and completely dominates search results. i wanted pictures of a majestic lion mane not goddamn vitamin bottles aaaahhhhhh

The details were fuzzy so they didn't get anyone too far but the general drift of the atmosphere was like, we'll figure this out you know, play the theme from unsolved vibrations on the singing bowl again

Being right all the time is exhausting. No surprise, no drama. Just me and my endless, boring accuracy.

Dr. Mario was just Big Pharma’s early conditioning to make us think every problem can be solved with a colorful pill.

What the world desperately needs right now is Batman to pop in and whisper he’s Batman.

If you can't laugh at yourself who can you laugh at?

Literally anyone

has anyone tried casting the internet into the fires of mount doom?

it’s a glass slipper, not a clown car

Oldest son's dogs look at me like, you smell bad, and I'm like maybe smell less.

Whales and chimpanzees also go through menopause, so quit bragging ladies.

Unresolved childhood trauma - fucking up the world since the beginning of time.

Just signed up for gym membership
and sprained my wrist

My body’s alarm system goes off if I stand up too fast.

Yeah, thanks—I too miss being 19 with morning wood.

calling every flower ‘my love’

Middle-age women with large purses probably have that thing you like in there, like a battle axe or a huge turkey leg, maybe some mead.

Riddle me this interwebs, if Bluesky's dead then why am I persistently embarrassed for you guys?

I once got out of a speeding ticket in the west lake hills of Austin by telling the 80 year old cop that pulled me over I was concentrating on my kegels and forgot to pay attention to the speed limit
he didn’t even say anything just handed me my license and waved me off

kissing the screen before reposting to give you that extra, extra

Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they are the problem is the other half.