The Bearminator

There's freedom in not having to maintain standards.

I would very much like blueberry pancakes and bite marks, please

Said I needed some space before I went to sleep and woke up in a vacuum. You can't hear this post.

Calories don't count if they don't satisfy your craving.

🎶 I will be your father figure. I will go out for some smokes and never return. 🎶

autocorrect keeps changing but to bit and in to I and at this point I don't believe it has any interest in being helpful and is just trying to be a massive prick

“Damn it, that sounded way funnier in my head.” - me and every tweet I’ve ever written.

Even my damn heart monitor had me download an app.

It's sad how people expect change without actually changing anything. It's me, I'm people.

Police Detective: The jig is up!
Me: *stops dancing in tears*

always a bridesmaid
never in a scircle

Reddit exists for when you start to think there's TOO much good in the world.

Sorry I can’t come to your wedding. That’s the weekend I’ve scheduled to blow pet safe bubbles to my kitten.

I'd say I’m pleased to meet you but we both know that I would be lying.

IMO CIRCLES ARE MORE FAIR THAN SQUARES

honestly i don’t think having a rabbit in a hat with a bat is particularly baller

LaCroix offered me a bunch of money to do a comedy set and given that I have no taste buds, I think I'll do it

Kiss me, I taste like fresh blood from my enemies and lavender.

Kinda thinking I’m gonna be a Drunk Dad for Halloween again this year.

if i was shot out of a giant urethra i'd be pissed

You have just made a powerful enemy
*gives you the cookie with only one chocolate chip*

Me: You didn’t save me any pizza?

Friend: you didn’t ask.

Me: Life’s given me all kinds of shit I didn’t ask for.

Friend: not pizza.

Whenever I feel alone I try to remind myself that my parents are looking down on me with love and hoping that one day I’ll find happiness with a special someone, and that when I do I’ll finally let them out of the attic.

You’re telling me some nerds gummied these clusters?

What kind of wine pairs best with Prozac?

A red sign attached to a wire mesh fence with, in white lettering: "Beware Of the God" In much smaller type below is: "Pet Blessings, 12:30pm Sunday 8th October, St Matthew In the City." (The sign was on an Auckland Anglican Church. Sorry about the date being "wrong" - this was about 20 years ago)

This sign should be mandatory

Good to see the brass still posting like the band on the Titanic.

Thick thighs should come with a warning label. They can kill a man if he doesn't know how to properly handle them.

Can't. Busy showing your mom how she became a mother.