The Anxious Diaries 𖤐

THE WARRIORS was released 47 years ago today. Acclaimed as one of the great 1970s NYC movies, and a true cult classic, the story of how it was made involved real gangs, vomiting extras and a future star who didn't make the cut. Can you dig it?

1/46

Breathing. One second at a time. Trying my best. Doing my best. Hoping for peace. Celebrating the little things.

I’m so incredibly tired of all the bad. I’m tired of not being strong enough to handle. I’m tired of feeling weak. I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired. The rope is tight and I can’t continue to breath. When does this shit end?

I feel like I’m at the finish line (end of the year) but what will that accomplish? A calendar year gone and entering a new one where the same shit will just continue in a new season.

You start running after peace so hard there’s a point where your legs are gonna give out and then you’re gonna have to lay in the shit storm that’s been chasing after you.

I made steps to do something different. I got lucky and landed the job. I’m fortunate that I could find it even in an uncertain time. I felt so proud of myself but I’m right back to being scared. To having no answers. To not knowing.

It’s all been bad. With a few hints of good. I’m starting a new job. But one of the kids is sick again 🫩
I just wanted one light at the end of the tunnel, I wanted some type of balance so badly. I don’t know what else to do, I don’t know what comes next and it’s starting to scare me anticipating

Job interview tomorrow. Let it be whatever it needs to be.

I’m tired of living in my own brain. I’m tired of being so hideously worried for things that haven’t happened. I’m so tired.

I’m not prepared for when this hits my doorstep much closer. I’m afraid I’ll lose.

Losing someone, witnessing death so close to me. Seeing someone lifeless laying on a hospital bed after taking their finally breath. I told her I wanted to see her act again, that her sister needed her back, I know she fought, I know she tried somewhere within.

I sit here and I ponder if this is all there is to life, one worry after another, money money bills bills, anxiety, momentary joys, long episodes of dread. Is this how it has to be? Is this all there is? It can be…

3 consecutive nights with nightmares. So much anxiety in my body. So much worry in my brain. I’m not sure how I function. I’m not sure how to tackle the next day. I’m doing it all for her. I have to do it for her. I’m sick of crying and feeling overwhelmed and losing myself inside of me.

I’m scared.

I want to live.

Why has this year taken so much from us?
Why has it taken my ability to survive?
Why has it taken people from my loved ones?
Why has it made my kids ill?

How do I cope with this soberly?

I don’t know what else I can handle. The imbalances in my life are driving me to the edge. I feel tired, I feel anxious, I feel spiteful. I only feel at ease away from it all, hours spent outside dreading to return to the place where my head caves in.

I’m exhausted. Idk what else this brain can handle. I’m trying to find strength for my wife and sister in law right now. I’m numb, I’m tired, I’m emotional, I’m angry, I’m still here.

#predatorbadlands
They're a family your honor

I'll gladly take five more movies with these guys,
thank you very much🍿
(Rip Dek's back, that guy had to do yoga after being on Genna)

Powerless.
Why did this happen???

I did some studies of Aleera from that Van Helsing movie few people remember.

I just hate how everything else is so unbalanced around me and now instead of depressed I’m just bitter and angry about it.

There’s so much bitterness in me lately. I guess I’m at the bitter stage of things.

Dissociating HARD

A lot of hate this morning 😅

Gonna try and rest my eyes for a bit.

I’m so hideously burned out with my job. I can’t stand it, I can’t tolerate it, I’m not hiding my displeasure for it and I feel bad about it. Im grateful I truly am but I think I want to try something else but this is kinda like the worst time to be looking for a job.

I crave and cherish and need stability.

I hate unnecessary changes.

I hate changes out of my control.

I hate change that worries me to the bone.

I’m screaming without the “s” at the new anonymous cruiser Sniffies profiles for Halloween! 🤣

Forgive my slight ignorance, does the “Slut Walk” count? I’m not sure but it’s the first thing that comes to mind

I feel or I believe that with so much pent up anxiety throughout my life that I’m at a point where the well is dry and handling it takes more out of me than ever before.