soul nate

government shut down? oh phew lmao that was close

this has got to be the lamest way of telling somebody to off themselves

well. yeah

doctor: congratulations, it’s a beautiful baby boy. what will you name him

bobby moynihan’s mother: BOBBBYYYY MOYNIHAAAN

this is how you know i’m REAL

holy shit bro. they’re interviewing subway jared on the fart brothers podcast. he agreed the kid stuff was “a bummer” and now they’re all taking turns trying on the Big Pants. so proud of these boys

kirkland signature would be a beautiful name for a baby boy

me [forgetting the alamo]:

nothing hurts more than knowing you have let down the owner of the wind farm, Jake Wind

hideo kojima: my next game is about a guy who delivers packages

video game executive: cool. sounds very normal

kojima: [lightning strikes in the distance] i assure you it is not

me [the lawyer who has to get elon musk to sign 27 child support checks every month]: hello sir. no not the usual thing this time it’s something epic

buying and wearing this shirt to the dentist

buddy and his wife gave their baby a stupid name so i’ve been workshopping cool star wars names for him instead. he started crying from the other room and i said “Graff Chorlo on comms.” i have been told this is “not helpful”

oh. so it’s state manufactured propaganda

insane thing to discover as the 10mg gummy is peaking

lmao wait. how has nobody told me that the music played in walmart is “walmart radio.” like they have a DJ that’s pops sometimes and he’s like hello brenda from store 3914, you’re live on the air. and then she’ll say hi!! i’d like to shout out my shift manager jason

insane innovation happening at 7-11’s flavor labs

nice try but i’ve never met anybody with a phd who isn’t 100% guilty of this

every time i meet someone older than me who’s more successful i’m like “okay, well they’re older than me.” every time i meet someone younger and more successful i’m like “their dad must be the mayor”

me when i love losing

go on you old pussy, drone strike his house. do it sir. are you gonna take that? you are the president

feel bad for her, hate when my mutuals are fighting

oh shit that’s +400 style points if you can stick the landing

wait i am confused which one of them went woke

lmaoo

Trump tonight

looks like white genocide’s back on the menu boys

lol they are about to airdrop the white south africans over capetown

what a terrible day to not check my phone and enjoy time with family. i hate their asses