soul nate

feel old yet? the stranger things kids are 47

last minute halloween costume idea that will probably get you waterboarded: the witch that killed charlie kirk

cold email: hey 😎 are you looking to level up your bookkeeping with AI? it’d be super cool to vibe on a quick call: virtual ☕️ on me!

follow-up email: guess my email was in your spam 🤔 but it’s not too late haha

follow-up to the follow-up: KILL MYSELF??? you wouldn’t care if i was dead. admit it.

hi, electrician here! this is not funny. ceiling lights only do this when they are in extreme distress

anyway the solution was apparently i committed the cardinal sin of occasionally using the bathtub as a bathtub in a very old house. this is, by all accounts, unambiguously good news

one thing that i guess is kind of implied about home ownership but should really be spelled out directly in specific detail is that sometimes you may find a ceiling light full of liquid and it becomes your job to solve That Mystery

why won’t luffy denounce hamas?

not now babe i’m working on my research

they should just let george santos do whatever gremlin crime shit he wants. we need this

bluesky ass reply

so crazy to just be living every day through the slow motion car crash of escalating fascism and it’s still like. aw man i have to go to the dentist

there’s something so beautifully American about our democracy’s last line of defense being coronary artery disease

[walking into a bris] time for a bit of the old ultra-violence

the two genders

there’s something so beautifully American about our democracy’s last line of defense being coronary artery disease

same thing

love your work mrs theranos but how do you walk into this

government shut down? oh phew lmao that was close

this has got to be the lamest way of telling somebody to off themselves

well. yeah

doctor: congratulations, it’s a beautiful baby boy. what will you name him

bobby moynihan’s mother: BOBBBYYYY MOYNIHAAAN

this is how you know i’m REAL

holy shit bro. they’re interviewing subway jared on the fart brothers podcast. he agreed the kid stuff was “a bummer” and now they’re all taking turns trying on the Big Pants. so proud of these boys

kirkland signature would be a beautiful name for a baby boy

me [forgetting the alamo]:

nothing hurts more than knowing you have let down the owner of the wind farm, Jake Wind

hideo kojima: my next game is about a guy who delivers packages

video game executive: cool. sounds very normal

kojima: [lightning strikes in the distance] i assure you it is not

me [the lawyer who has to get elon musk to sign 27 child support checks every month]: hello sir. no not the usual thing this time it’s something epic

buying and wearing this shirt to the dentist

buddy and his wife gave their baby a stupid name so i’ve been workshopping cool star wars names for him instead. he started crying from the other room and i said “Graff Chorlo on comms.” i have been told this is “not helpful”