Cal Unchained

JD Vance wants to convert his Hindu wife to Christianity? Damn, that guy is out here doing missionary work on his wife in more ways than one!

Nice reply "owning" me, unfortunately you parsed 2 levels of irony but missed completely the third, wherein it's clear I'm making fun of the persona your reply intended to critique. That being said I'm still hurt to an almost unimaginable degree

Crazy to think Twitter launched 19 years ago, I've been around for 13 of those years and here I am still. The site just keeps getting better and here's to another 19 years #NeverBluesky

Mom: Honey can you fold your socks, I separated them for you

Me: (8 years old and last night my Dad let me watch The Green Mile on TNT) I'm tired, boss...

Hehe, looks like my burrito taxi is here!! Normal world !! Be right back 😏 (Accidentally opening my coat closet instead of front door and my date sees my servant I keep chained and starved in there) (Having to just go with it) Are you Hernando..?

Girls groupchat: This ugly dude just tried to talk to me...I think Im gonna lead him on for 2 years then try to make him kill himself.(everyone scribbling idea down in their pink notebooks)

Guys groupchat: (scrambling away from phones because somebody sent a gif of a train coming at the screen

Ok no way you're telling me that if you put a cricket in an air fryer it wouldn't come out delicious.

(Guy reads this post, finds a cricket on his porch, air fries it and eats it, and gets Cricket Disease and dies)*

*Authors note: Guy who did this was Bad Luck Brian

i have synesthesia dude i can taste colors, check this out. (drinking coke) This tastes like brown (drinking water) This tastes like clear

Why is everyone in the news talking about grooming gangs? We shouldn't be doing that, we should be making them look worse if anything

My superpower isn't time travel, but if I'm ever with a time traveller it's the eerie ability to know exactly where to go and how much to charge peasants for uses of the microwave you time-travelled with in order to maximise profits

Heard one of my favourite actors is going to be cast in the new Lord of the Rings reboot.

Shire LaBeouf

Fellas wyd if you approach a cute hufflepuff-coded girl like Wanna see my expecto patronum and she be like um Actually I'm Expecto my boyfriend any second Fellas : WYD..?

This jar holds my grandpa's smithereens

(Realizing i zoned out for 15 years and have a family now without noticing) (Realizing I never committed my beautiful child's name to memory) You - (forgetting if we have hogs or not but going with my gut feeling) Feed them hogs

You know you can just make a joke, with your own characters. You don't have to make every funny thought a fanfic of whatever show you like

Hate it when my stapler runs out of charge

Gulliver Travelled To FOUR Fantasy Lands So You Don’t Have To! Review: Gulliver’s Travels (1726 (and it shows))

If you want a several dozen lols, I wrote a review on Gulliver's Travels

callumrg21.medium.com/gulliver-tra...

The majority of what you all post about your opinions is, at its most fundamental level, digital flytipping

The ideal number of family members

The only reason to migrate from Twitter to Bluesky is to go and be extremely toxic to people who migrated from Twitter to Bluesky to get away from the toxicity

Never really believed in "purchasing" food. If it was that important they would just give it to us for free, the government wouldn't just let everyone die

You never hear a gym leader in Pokemon say "I worked hard as a gym trainer and was internally promoted". It's all "This was my grandfather's gym" and "I learned my blazing hot battle style from Blaine!" and "I don't think having an uncle in the Elite Four really helped that much"

When girls joke about killing themselves it's a concerning cry for help, that kinda thing really worries me

When boys joke about killing themselves it's boss and hilarious cos they're probably not actually gonna do it. But then they do. But it's still funny

Maybe to remedy this they can have a Comments section for a film, as that's how they all treat it anyway, and then a review section for people with an original thought in their head

Of course this would really eat into their bottom line because people that leave reviews at the moment are mostly just 16-24 year olds with fidget spinners for brains (not their fault (but they should be killed regardless))

Letterboxd should ban reviews that are below three full paragraphs.

Anything below that is a 'take' at best and a 'meme' at worst, and I use both of those words in the most disparaging way possible

Samsung must be a member of SAG-AFTRA, cos yesterday they announced the strike's finished and now my phone's been acting up all day

Peace is not in the nature of enemies

If a race of giants discovered us in beds they would naturally assume that the beds are sandwiches and we're the filling. They'd eat us is what I'm saying.

If a race of horny giants discovered us in beds they'd get horny and try to have sex with us

Keep forgetting to use bsky as a mirror to just replicate my Twitter but also I only have two followers anyway so gonna wil' out