repetitious tautology

i went outside and feel less like a bitter cave hermit but im still baseline pissed off about the world

today i hate everything and everyone and am mad that i exist at all. let alone that i exist as a social animal that has to actively participate in a world that mostly ends up pissing me off. i never thought i'd grow up so cynical.

she needs a psychiatrist. no bluesky thread or well worded explanation is going to help with this. this is not the behaviour of someone who is just mistaken or misguided. it's pathological stalking. engaging in any way shape or form will always make it worse in a case like this.

you dont need to apologize dear. i just know what it's like. some people are just ill, like pathologically obsessed. you won't be able to talk them around or reason with them bc it's not a rational behaviour. all you can do is not feed them any attention, because that encourages them to escalate.

you're feeding her attention through. every time you acknowledge her it pings a little hit of dopamine and keeps this going. honestly i doubt most of the people who listen to these cokerants even know who she's talking about anymore, her fanfiction about you is so detached from reality.

i can't afford to go get checked out for a while and i'm so afraid that my jawbone might just be rotting unbeknownst to me

idk why you even dignify any of this with a response anymore like sawyer she's never, ever going to stop. if she was going to stop she would have over a year ago. why do you even check what is being said let alone respond to it

i am getting scared that my failure to get that root canal may have let the infection spread to my cheekbone. why does my cheekbone keep hurting so much. why the constant fever. i'm afraid!!

no nicotine at work. why are we still here. just to suffer?

there's an expectation i think that after a year or so and as long as nothing bad is happening anymore you'll just be all better but the nature of post traumatic stress is that it continues even when the stress response is no longer appropriate. it's a long term condition.

i kind of feel like the conversation around PTSD in pop psychology has obscured the long term and disabling quality of it. it's not cute, it's not short term, it doesn't resolve like the end of a feel-good movie. you live with it for years.

that was a really dramatic late night way to describe post traumatic stress disorder.

not dying, but this doesn't feel like living, either.

i like "ugly" crochet and knitting that looks very obviously handmade with inconsistent stitch tension or weird colour transitions. it's very charming to me. it has as much personality as the big crazy intricate sculptural crochet work that makes you wonder how someone even made that out of yarn

scroll scroll scroll how many cumulative hours of my life have been absorbed by this fucking rectangle. how many more will i waste doing this. i need to fully disconnect my internet for like two weeks and try to forcefully break this mindless habit.

the internet can be a wonderful tool for information, for long distance communication. but you cannot replace your life with it.

i keep wandering through internet subcultures wondering if i will find one that doesn't make me feel like i am a deranged zoo animal pacing in figure eights. but what i need, cannot be found with a search engine. a human being cannot live dissociated from the physical. you are a physical organism.

i cannot endure this alienated digital existence anymore. it makes me feel like a ghost. like i do not even live inside my body. its no wonder i have had such a tumultuous relationship with my physical body as a result. i want to live on earth again. not inside a screen.

i dont want to scroll anymore. i want to care for a bunch of little insects, and when they pass away with their short life spans i will preserve them and donate the best specimens to the museum. i will care for a bunch of little terrariums and carnivorous plants. press flowers, crochet, paint.

i'm realizing all i want from life is to make things and care for things with my hands. i genuinely feel like i'm going mad when i haven't made anything in a long time. drawing on a screen helps a little but isn't the same.

i am going to make a closed terrarium out of this liquor bottle. i'll ruin its resale value (its technically a collectors item) by peeling off the sticker but im not gonna sell it anyways so idc. going to put in some moss and little micro creepers and ferns and springtails.

i'm so tired of the entire world i just want to make crafts by myself with my cat and my bugs

i want to get into crochet, invertebrate keeping, and flower pressing. i need more hobbies that don't cost 1284615284726 dollars.

during the last big earthquake i was dead asleep and only briefly woke up to the windows rattling. yesterday there was a tornado and i slept through that too. heard a banging noise, deemed it unimportant, went back to sleep. i wonder what i will sleep through next.

getting older has been difficult in the sense that maturity and self suffiency means accepting that life comes with a certain amount of pain and friction you must shoulder and take personal ownership of. i do miss sometimes the youthful naivete of thinking everything could be fun and games forever.

it's great to have the emotional self sufficiency to no longer require the approval of others to survive and to be firm on your boundaries. but it does mean a lot of people will be forever very upset about it, and that will still make you somewhat sad, even though you can live with it.

i need a pay raise for the amount of getting smacked around and sliced up that's just an occupational hazard for me. where is my hazard pay

i had to get seven stitches because i almost cut my finger off disassembling the water dispenser. this is insane because the injury i just healed from was almost cutting my other fingertip off two weeks ago

i was so happy to be injury free and then immediately a customer hits me in the eye with a flailing hand. direct hit from fingernail to the cornea. at least he had the decency to look horrified and ask me if i was okay.

i want to go home and read. manifesting that tonight goes smoothly and quickly.