Lizzlepants 🐒

Museum Guide: So we keep all our best paintings here in this room

Me: *way too loud* HALL OF FRAME

Guide: *taking out tazer* Look away everybody

*throws your spirit animal on the grill

I'm boomboxing Careless Whisper outside your window, please respond

found a time machine but it requires size A batteries

i think the grim reaper would be prettier if he smiled!

I didn't say I wanted an AI girlfriend, I said I wanted an A1 girlfriend, as in A1 steak sauce. I want a girlfriend made out of steak sauce. Maybe I just want a steak.

if i say i did something 3 weeks ago it’s safe to assume i meant yesterday

When I shake my ass it isn’t art or seduction, it’s probably a medical emergency.

an app for summoning a large vehicle to run you over

We are the sons of the boys they couldn't bring back to town

time to learn something new and podcast it

My will to live is writing its will

I smoke a starter pack per day.

Bluesky should fix the bug in this app that keeps me from being funny

filling super soakers with koolaid. who wants to be in my cult?

If some people are born on third base, I was born in the Ticketmaster queue

Imagine being a prophet in like 2015 and trying to explain how stupid everything will get, but being unable to without mentioning affliction shirts and monster energy drinks

It has come to my attention that my loud coworker is days away from having a nuclear weapon

folding my draft into an airplane and crashing it into the side of my trash bin

Damn this place is dead today. Y’all still breathing?

I’m looting a Trader Joe’s as soon as this Armageddon thing picks up speed

perfecting the art of mental exhaustion

I don't miss drinking but I dream of a new liver and a return to the New Haven bar I hung out at every day from 2000-2005.

hi circle k cashier yes I’d like one mega million ticket with tonight’s winning numbers k thx

I eat healthy because I feel guilty for helping to bring life into the universe and they might need my help for several decades.

*covering your face in soft, slow little kisses before whispering in your ear* if you load the knives blade up in the dishwasher again i’m going to slit your throat with one of them

yes i do live under a rock. she's called the moon

Puppy 🐶

Puppy

Puppy

Puppy

How bout baby Beemo

cheese and processed meats are the devil 😭😭😭😭😭