Lizzlepants 🐒

i am going to ask kelly kapowski to the prom

why does monday keep respawning. i defeated this boss LAST WEEK. where is my loot? where is my peace?

horrors of the world and chill?

Popeye was just a marketing tool used by big spinach to get us to buy their product

I feel pistachio is something I should know from the urban dictionary.

"A ROBOT MAY NOT HARM HUMANITY, OR, BY INACTION, ALLOW HUMANITY TO COME TO HARM!" I scream at my Roomba as I trip over it for the 50th goddam time

Emotionally I’m that shopping cart with one broken wheel

Things suck, so I’m gonna go look for small turtles.

i hope today is the day i get that 17 phone calls from the loan processing dept

Your God is going to come to you in a vision to reveal a mystery, and before he does, I need you to hear my side of the story.

“New week, new me” but it’s just me in the same hoodie and angrier

surely a weekend monopoly game will bring this family together

sitting in my mind a bit and pressing all the buttons before i leave

the Bradford pears are going for it in early March, good luck you dumb bastards

capt kirk going on a killingon spree

Don’t be an oversharer, unless we’re talking about your fries.

Why call them tampons when crampons is right there?

I’m not coming to your wedding unless the reception involves the worm the running man and MC Hammer

i’m doing balloon animals for the party tonight hope everyone likes worms

First Monday at my new work from home job and I’ve already had an urgent meeting with my dogs and a hostile takeover attempt by my cats.

Anything that lives in a shell is cute & chic as fuck like awww hey baby snail I love what you’ve done w your anatomy how avant-garde

To the people who lose one shoe on the highway, please explain the rest of your life story.

I'm a big fan of my neighbor's evil cat and his sinister agenda

interviewer: any weaknesses?

me: my knees

How come the godless have to worry about a holy war? Can't I just opt out like the pledge of allegiance?

waking up unnecessarily early everyday bc the world can’t get enough of me apparently

i was a child of the 80s and sibling rivalry didn't exist in our house because we all got punished equally no matter who fucked up

Hard times for anyone with a semblance of a soul

When there’s nothing to do: I guess I could just open bsky quickly
When there’s work to do:
I guess I could just open bsky longly

I live somewhere between playing my cards right & not playing with a full deck.