Lizzlepants 🐒

did they get rid of the drunk emoji face or am i too drunk to find the drunk emoji face

Every morning I put my dog’s halters over their heads and tell them that they too have won a FIFA peace prize

i don’t wanna eat the rich anymore, they probably taste bad. instead we should just lock them all in a tank and see what happens.

The Breakfast Sandwich that Saved the World

Get thee behind me, Satan! And, while you’re back there, no butt stuff.

speaking of plastic plants when I started working in a sign shop twenty something years ago
the guys that made the signs there told me it was part of my job to water the plant in the front of the store every day and I’m sure you can figure out where this is goin

if i had a plastic lavender plant i would probably still find a way to unintentionally kill it

I would like to become a shiny yet haunted artifact on a warm mantel

I don't mean to brag, but I just completed my daughter's jigsaw in under 1 hour.

It said 5-6 years on the box.

if you would like me to follow you, just pick someone i already follow and challenge them to a duel

Glad I didn’t shower for this

My friend has been typing a text for the past 5 minutes. This is gonna be good

Watching this ozempic documentary is making me hungry.

would you be disturbed if I replied to all of your posts in couplets

when you think about it cats are furbies. they wake you up in the middle of the night and start saying furbish, a language you don't understand

Yes, my coffin is also a bunker why you asking

*Wears glasses to hear*

Yeah but are you down with O.P.P bro?

do not google “weirdest stock images”

I'm easy like Sunday morning, motherfucker

slept for 11 hours, gonna have to pry these blankets from my dead cold hands

Sorry I wrote YOLO! on your death certificate.

beginning the month with a wake n bake, good morning

Are my underwear backwards dot com

my 15 year old after 2 days of driver’s ed:
your hands aren’t supposed to be on that part of the wheel

🙄

Monster under my bed is getting bullied by the one in my closet ffs

I’ll bring the weed

i see we’re going to the same place. would you like to share a hand basket?

Winched-from-the-muck logging on

There are two types of people in this world: those who place the divider after their groceries, proving they understand the social contract, and the other being shit