fesshole 🧻

I apologise to my school French teacher M. Gilles Berger for making my 1991 classes a living hell once I learned the French word for "seal".

I'm a consultant dermatologist who makes most of my money on cosmetic procedures, which bore me to tears. On the other hand, there are way too many people who think they can't get skin cancer in the UK because "it's cloudy." So my patients fit in two categories: vain or ignorant.

I gave a eulogy at a climbing buddies funeral. The first line read "Dave's first love was his wife and son, but he also had a passion for climbing". What I said in front of his wife, son and 200 friends and family was, "Dave's first love was climbing". It still keeps me awake.

My mate is living the dream of shagging his ex's mum on a regular basis. As she's of more advanced years, we're running out of names for him. The classic "Biddy Fiddler" is so far the top one, so more of an appeal for new names. I wish I was making this up

I absolutely hate childcare. When my two children were young, friends and family would tell me to "cherish every moment because in a blink of an eye they'll be grown." No and no. It was hard, tedious work 24 hours a day and I thank God it's over.

I work in a bus station. I often get people coming to me asking why their coach is late and demanding information. I take great satisfaction in pointing out that their ticket is for a coach that left at 4:25am so complaining to me at 16:45 is not going to help.

Mum came around to visit me, noticed a lot of tissues in the bathroom bin. Asked if I'd had a cold, said I had but was feeling better now. Couldn't tell her they were the result of a week's worth of wanking.

Fake proposed to my girlfriend for a joke on holiday. She started crying and was so happy. Felt so bad I couldn't tell her it was a joke. Anyway we're getting married next year.

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Not a confession so much but the slight embarrassment when you've booked a table and your taken to your table and the whole is place empty, Because it's shit and there was no need.

Girlfriend sent me to get my back waxed before a family holiday, and it was only an extra £15 to get my nether regions done as well, so I thought I might as well. What she neglected to tell me was that the salon was run by her cousin who's seen everything.

The last teabag in the jar has been held hostage for the last two years. Every time it senses freedom, I drown it with fellow prisoners. As I make 95% of the tea, I reckon this little fucker's got another four years or so.

I work at a quite posh hotel. There's a wedding reception most weeks. My favorite are the Jewish weddings, not for the celebration, but for spying the number of lapsed faithful who'll sneak some bacon under their breakfast and find out of the way tables to eat it

I caught my wife shouting 'nonce' at our dog. Apparently she had no idea what it really meant and has been doing it for years in public thinking it was just what you said when someone was naughty.

Asked my girlfriend of two years what would be a relationship dealbreaker for her. She said "picking your nose". I do that all the time. Not sure if she's just never noticed or is winding me up. I cant risk checking in case it's the former.

I'm a male in my 30s, I have an Etsy store online since lockdown. Customers & their reviews assume I'm a female. Starting rolling with it, given myself a name and everything. Customers love her but now I can't show my friends my successful handmade store.

Wife wants to take our dog to the vet. Apparently he smells bad, and she's worried he's becoming incontinent. I daren't tell her he ran through my flow as I treated myself to an au natural wee on our forest walk yesterday

I was in a really low place in my life and no one around me has any idea how bad it was. I called the Samaritans every day for weeks and they got me through. Fesshole GOLD from 23rd April 2020

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I'm a married woman. I don't embarrass easily, but I've discovered recently that there's nothing more mortifying than not having to do a pregnancy test before a hospital procedure because you haven't had sex in ages.

His fess I guess, but thought husband was sneaking off most nights to watch porn, didn't really care but curiousity got the best of me, checked his browser history. He's playing chess. At 2am. Multiple times a week. Worst part is, I saw his ELO, he's not even any good.

Recently single. One of the things I miss the most is dropping a reference to having a partner/girlfriend when talking with women I've just met so they know I'm not hitting on them or have an agenda. I just liking chatting with people.

When I go to the Sainsbury's self checkout I scan my Nectar card then scan my shopping and pay, then just before I leave I scan my Nectar card again for the next person. They might get some Nectar card prices on some items and I get some extra points. Win win.

I'm trying to teach my kid that McDonalds is gross. He keeps asking for it. I keep adding increasingly disgusting amounts of vinegar to Happy Meals. He just seems to be developing an inhuman tolerance to vinegar.

I spent 35 years calling my best friend's mum Mrs P because I'd have a brain panic about whether her name was Sheila or Shirley

When I was a kid I started pissing on my bedroom floor for some reason. I'd get up in the middle of the night and spray it across the carpet like a sprinkler. My parents never confronted me about it and one day they just got me a new carpet. I stopped doing it immediately.

Divorced and remarried. Both times just wanted a plain gold band as a ring. Kept the first one at the back of a drawer when we broke up, never got round to selling it. Dropped my current wedding ring into that drawer a few weeks back. Now have no idea which ring I'm wearing.

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My wife and I were having a row. I drove past her on my way home while she was walking the dog. The dog shit and she didn't pick it up. I made an anonymous post on our local Facebook community forum calling her out. She saw it and has been sulking about it for weeks. Petty win.

Visiting my girlfriend's rich parents. I've had to give the excuse of having to go to the shops but instead am curling off a log in the local cafe. I didn't want to desecrate their posh bog and put the relationship in peril; good choice made going by the repulsive stench in here.

I keep Christmas and Birthday cards for the following year in case one of the senders dies and I can then keep theirs forever as the last one they ever sent me. Morbid but worthwhile.