fesshole 🧻

I've set up a fake social media account alongside my regular one so it looks like there's heated debate with everything that I post. I really don't know to this day why I'm doing it. I can't stop.

On a night out with a girl I excused myself to go to the loo. I was gone for a few minutes and pretended it was do a big ol' shit. Really it was because my Duolingo streak was about to expire.

Wife and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary recently and decided to rewatch our wedding video. Thought it would be a lovely trip down memory lane. Instead we were both depressed at how young, thin, attractive and full of energy we both looked. Turned it off.

I'm currently on long term sick leave. My day is now based around my gym classes and coffee with my middle-aged female friends. I'm one of the girls and living my absolute best life. I'm a man in my fifties

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Former long distance coach driver here. If you were rude to me while boarding, your luggage would find its way to sit right next to the water tank, which always leaks btw, and while no one was looking if you were really rude to me, I'd give it a not too gentle kick as well.

I've given up drinking but I don't want anyone in the house to know, to alleviate any pressure on me. When we go shopping I still buy wine but hide it to make it look like I'm still drinking it. I'm a functioning non-alcoholic hiding the evidence of my non drinking ways

Early 90s, working in IT Support for a national company, I really fancied a girl who worked in the sales department. Ensured her computer would fail every week so I would have to go to her desk and fix it. Did my plan work ? Nope, she hated me.

It wasnt clothes getting tighter, or my belt needing a new hole that alerted me of the urgent need to shed some flub. It was realising I was now unable to reach my hoop to insert pile suppositories because my arse had grown too ample for my arms to reach the target.

Put fake nails on my right hand, sat on it till it went numb, then gave myself a shandy. Figured it would feel like someone else was doing it, actually was more like being wanked off by a corpse. Would not recommend.

Back at school, there was an assignment that involved devising a questionnaire and getting people to fill it in. I constructed one with multiple choice answers and rolled dice for the outcome.

Friend reached into my cupholder and had a few of the chocolate mini eggs. RAVED about the new flavour. Didn't have the heart to tell her I had picked them up from the road salt encrusted floor mat and forgot to bin them.

My brother-in-law said he gave a negative review for the film RRR because it was not in English. We haven't invited him to family events since.

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I once finished fourth at the Commonwealth Games. I was fucking proud of what I did but the reaction of friends has always been either pity or mocking for missing out on a medal. What's your greatest life achievement Dave? Middle management at B&Q?

Dated someone lovely. She invited me over for a cup of tea and asked if I'd like some chocolate when I arrived. When I said I did, she melted two large bars of dairy milk in a double boiler and then ladled us each a bowlful. I ended it because of the melted chocolate.

Whenever I go for a wee, I like to gently flick the end of my willy before I start, like a doctor does when preparing a syringe.

When my wife turned 50, she and I and our two kids went on a six-week European holiday - then when I turned 50 a few years later, she gave me a pen. She turns 60 next year and is making noises about another overseas trip, but I think I'll just use my pen to write her a card.

There are so many candidates who meet the basic technical competence for our company that I ask them to list their favorite movies and reject ones I dislike, like Harry Potter. Company still gets new hires and I get coworkers I can get along with.

I check the number of dog poo bags left on the roll before a walk in the same way I'm sure a soldier checks his gun clips for bullets before setting out on a dangerous mission. You never know what you are going to encounter and preparation is key.

I was very good at football as a kid but hated the game and the people playing it, so never pursued it. Just learned a friend who I was easily better than is earning £35,000 per month. I do wonder if I was a little hasty back then. My lower tier admin job doesn't quite pay that.

Freshers week, drunk, took a girl home. Did everything bar sex. I had a girlfriend and she knew that. Woke up next to her, acted worried like I remembered nothing. She said "don't worry nothing happened". Now been one of my best mates for 12yrs and we've never mentioned it again.

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When the wife's at work I put the washing in together on a 40 quick wash, no one notices the difference, washing machine didn't explode, and it was done simply rather than 12 separate 4 hour washes, you're wrong Lucy. Obviously I can't tell you you're wrong, but you're wrong.

GF years ago decided to get me excited in the morning by knocking one out in bed as I dozed. As she neared her "crescendo," I jokingly leaned over and asked her if she wanted me to tape Kilroy. We broke up that evening, after a tense day.

I'm often a few thousand steps short of my daily 10k when I work from home, so I'll walk around town at 10pm with a can of beer from the offie.

I am the navigator of a cargo vessel. I have the letters RS and LP tattooed onto my hands to tell right/starboard from left/port.

Been in a friends-with-benefits situation with a pal for about 8 years. Both in our 40's both single the whole time. Great sex, great company, our kids are pals at school. I'm not sure at what point we just admit we're in a relationship. Scared to bring it up in case it ruins it.

I am terrible at remembering names at parties so I often introduce them to someone else in the hopes they will say their name again and I can remember this time. I have a reputation as a person to know for introductions. It's only because my memory is bad.

Recently ended an affair with a married man. I told him I'd deleted all the emails and pictures and I have, mostly. Except the really incriminating ones. Always good to have a bit of collateral