My superpower is noticing a typo ten minutes too late.
06.03.2026 09:57 — 👍 43 🔁 12 💬 0 📌 1My superpower is noticing a typo ten minutes too late.
06.03.2026 09:57 — 👍 43 🔁 12 💬 0 📌 1sigh detector test determined that was a sigh
06.03.2026 10:24 — 👍 56 🔁 15 💬 2 📌 1
me: if i had kids, i’d be such a helicopter mom
you: you DO have kids
me: WHAT
my air purifier is always glowing red at me when i smoke weed. like, simmer down, narc, it’s all good.
06.03.2026 01:01 — 👍 107 🔁 23 💬 3 📌 0Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
01.02.2026 13:30 — 👍 117 🔁 39 💬 2 📌 0
*raises the bar*
Bar: “put me down”
[25 seconds into marathon]
lol nope
Recruiters be like "I noticed that you have 20+ years of experience in your field- would you be interested in a job that doesn't pay well enough to ever buy a home or comfortably pay bills?"
06.03.2026 02:45 — 👍 78 🔁 12 💬 2 📌 0Do you think they gave Britney a breathalyzer or just viewed her last social media post?
06.03.2026 12:06 — 👍 22 🔁 10 💬 1 📌 0wondering if a passport is required to relocate to pluto
04.03.2026 20:29 — 👍 84 🔁 32 💬 6 📌 0How long does a midlife crisis last? Going on about 18yrs and I feel that might be a bit excessive.
06.03.2026 12:37 — 👍 65 🔁 14 💬 6 📌 0Don't even get me started on that slut Mr. Clean.
06.03.2026 12:53 — 👍 43 🔁 13 💬 5 📌 0Support small businesses only. No more money for these fucks whose companies our money built
03.03.2026 03:07 — 👍 68 🔁 15 💬 0 📌 1They should invent water that isn't obsessed with my cuffs
06.03.2026 11:32 — 👍 40 🔁 12 💬 1 📌 0Still waiting on a motherfucker to tell me how to get to Sesame Street.
06.03.2026 00:45 — 👍 89 🔁 40 💬 2 📌 0So many people unfollow me when I say gross sex stuff like they forget this is the internet and that’s basically its entire purpose.
06.03.2026 04:14 — 👍 128 🔁 26 💬 12 📌 0Thinking bout maybe getting shit done today. Also thinking, perhaps not.
06.03.2026 11:58 — 👍 39 🔁 7 💬 8 📌 0one time i sneezed and got 22 "bless yous" so yea, i guess you could say im pretty religious
06.03.2026 12:05 — 👍 46 🔁 13 💬 0 📌 1baja blast bidets
06.03.2026 04:10 — 👍 148 🔁 42 💬 17 📌 3Can't, I'm busy listening to the Where's Waldo audiobook
05.03.2026 21:37 — 👍 46 🔁 18 💬 1 📌 0a gofundme but for reposts
06.03.2026 11:26 — 👍 26 🔁 12 💬 2 📌 0if friday was spelled friyays would we still be complaining about monyays
06.03.2026 11:05 — 👍 29 🔁 10 💬 5 📌 0Warning: objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
06.03.2026 08:19 — 👍 94 🔁 23 💬 3 📌 1i like how doorknobs wait until you’re really irritated before they catch your belt loop
05.03.2026 16:05 — 👍 161 🔁 34 💬 5 📌 1are those goldfish even flavor blasted, bro
06.03.2026 04:06 — 👍 23 🔁 6 💬 0 📌 1captain anxious and the anxieteers
06.03.2026 01:10 — 👍 101 🔁 40 💬 6 📌 0I wouldn't try logging off you don't want to know what happened to the last guy
06.03.2026 00:15 — 👍 78 🔁 26 💬 1 📌 1no longer allowed to listen to Wake Me Up Before You Go Go while pumping gas
06.03.2026 00:05 — 👍 98 🔁 34 💬 5 📌 0Hard to reach places? You mean like, enlightenment?
06.03.2026 02:36 — 👍 47 🔁 20 💬 2 📌 0