firehose my brain when
(At the doctor) *takes out tampon
"Weigh me now"
i would sign anything handed to me by a chimpanzee in a suit
you should be able to power wash memories out of your head
The Little Engine That Wished A Motherfucka Would
i miss when the prospect of a texas-sized asteroid seemed scary
Desperately trying to think of something other than what the fuck is happening everyday.
only smoking paranoid weed so my regular anxiety can feel superior
I love the smell of bacon in the morning . . . and in the afternoon . . . and in the evening . . . and at midnight . . .
How am I? I don't answer trick questions.
Red on the Cuillins, by Pam Carter, Tanzania-born painter of Scottish landscapes.
Surround yourself with people that make you feel easy to love
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting my socks on while standing up] I do my own stunts too.
a crab and a lobster are the same creature but one is in landscape and the other is in portrait mode
ah…so this is the March that drives us all truly mad
sees two little dots on my shoulder…well that’s just great, I got bit by a vampire and now I have to live forever
Don't tell me your zodiac, tell me what words you've muted
CVS always calls and texts two days before pickup so they can start printing the receipt.
Body: we’re a morning person now
Brain: the fuck we are
why did we even domesticate peeves
Fossil crisis? Rude, I’m fine.
I never feel sexier than I do after using my rosemary mint shampoo, walking around smelling like a roast chicken
Getting the supreme car wash because I love sour cream
this is way too much diggity, we’re gonna have to bag it up
I wish my life was as mysterious as one shoe on the side of the highway.
why up doing their best, trying to keep the past in the past
it’s important that you sleep with a mouthguard so that you can increase your yearly spider intake
Italy beats USA in baseball on Mario day?!? Okey dokey!
I am going to do some screaming now. Join in if you can.
how often would you like to get updates about beef stroganoff?
☑️ daily
☑️ weekly
☑️ once a month
☑️ if something big happens
