he'll blame Biden for starting the war
now it's charged but the Bluetooth won't pair...
Turning the clocks forward to a time when he's finally dead
baja blast bidets
To: All Staff
Subject: Marketing
We've rebranded the Murder Hornets as the Buzz Kills™️
Please note updated signage in the apiaries.
It’s actually FEWER Misérables
yeah she was!
Today the streets of DC are black with Kristi Noem's running mascara
FIFA begins fabrication of newly invented 'War Prize'
in that case, might as well jump
this joke is better than I realized
me: adele is still out there chasing pavements & setting fire to the rain & it’s making my life seem like i’m living in the non-descript, depression city in the movie se7en.
the priest giving me communion: maybe you should try not believing in god for a while.
TATTOO ARTIST: you mean "no regrets", right?
ME: *crushing a picture of the egret that killed my father in my clenched fist* no
We are a few thousand subscribers away from being a bigger print newspaper than the Washington Post.
We are a mere flurry away from humiliating one of the two Big Space Perverts.
Ask not how a Space Pervert can dominate you. Ask how you can dominate a Space Pervert.
Subscribe below.
If you scramble the letters of the word “responsibility” you will find both “insobriety” and “spinsterly” among the results. If you then take the time to type it out as a post, you can avoid your responsibilities for a moment longer. That’s a possibility, which is also a scramble result. Yippee.
I was today years old when I learned this
When the pop-ups tell the real story
I shut the medicine chest and there, in the mirror behind me, stood the killer: atherosclerosis
She's trying her opposable tongue...
my dog, struggling to open her medicine, looks to me for help
me: hey hey whoa read the label pal
THIS IS A WHOLE SOUTH PARK EPISODE WHERE RANDY TURNS TO CHATGPT TO RUN HIS CANNABIS FARM AND LOSES EVERYTHING
Sorry for yelling, I just cannot believe this is reality.
Good morning. The President of the United States was in the middle of the most serious child sex trafficking ring of the last quarter century.
He is referenced not a dozen times in the case files. Not 100 times. Not 1,000 times. He’s referenced 38,000 times.
Wait, you're telling me that the largest organ of my body, my skin, cannot function unless I rub it every day with a man-made protective lotion? How could evolution allow this to happen? I'm going to need to speak to your manager.
Amber is the best.
yeah, solid. I am also a fan of brushed steel airline seatbelt click.
Wait. So, if you’re a parent…your kids are around ALL the time? That can’t be right. Feels excessive.
You: [checks driveway]
You: [locks doors]
You: [checks house to make sure you're alone]
You: [opens a bottle of wine]
Me: [rolls out from under couch] WHAT WE CLASSY MUTHAFUCKAS CELEBRATIN’
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don't Create The Torment Nexus
In college I’d get rides back home from a friend’s cousin who spit chew into an open styrofoam cup in the flimsy fold-out holder on the dash of his honda accord. I’d just stare at the spit rocking dangerously back and forth as we raced through the mississippi valley. feels like that all the time now
