harmony ! ΘΔ 💛✨

maybe theres a reason every time ive been bold enough to consider someone a best friend theyve disappeared or decided that they actually hate me. maybe theres a reason the only connections that last are the ones where i let people turn me into something to use. maybe its me.

maybe its something about me. maybe theres a reason my partners and i are still separated by the rift warden and co caused, even if its smaller now. maybe theres a reason ive been stalked and abused and had my words purposefully misinterpreted for years. maybe theres a reason.

maybe theres a reason everything and everyone i love either dies or turns on me or leaves me

YouTube video by Los Campesinos! - Topic Coda: A Burn Scar In The Shape Of The Sooner State (2020 Remaster)

youtu.be/MPoVnevuyVA

once it hits me i cant make it go away. i was going to hang out with my partner but instead ive spent like an hour sobbing my eyes out over missing a friend who i still dont know the fate of. its going to haunt me for weeks again.

does anyone know how to stop thinking about the grief.

"However, I believe the worst kind are memories you want to forget, but can’t. A memory that continues to thrive like a raw wound, one that remains scorched into the back of your mind against your will."

anyway.

[ #luxuriainart — personal / vent ]

i play back the tapes as often as i can, but we weren't meant to have memories this long.

[ #luxuriainart — personal / vent ]

some things just stick in your mind

[ #luxuriainart — personal / vent ]

i could have spoken sooner so that i could save him

where once i believed in true love lays the nest of a digital dove.

i don't know if he's alive, i don't know why it all happened, i don't know anything. and i want to get to know those mutual bonds we had, i want to strengthen them, but it feels so inauthentic because the grief is there even if it's not why i want to know them. it hurts. it's still raw. i loved him.

what we had didn't last long and it fizzled out without a word but i still yearn for it. i still need him. i need him because he was my best friend and my biggest fan and, for a small moment in time, one of my partners. but what's passed is passed

closure could be a message away and everything tells me it's the better of the worst case situations i'm imagining that happened. but i don't deserve that closure, i think. i didn't even notice until time had long passed. i miss him still. i love him still

Your shadow on the wall... A person I can't recall.

though we try to fade to black,
in the end
we come right back.

I just don't want anyone else to die for me.

i keep a picture of you
but i don't know just what i'd do
if i saw you face to face right now

it's i against i, and me against you.

you know i've always loved you
but there's no easy way to
end how i feel
and to change what was real

in the end, you just gotta have faith.

ain't that a bitch?

now that we've come so far
the love that never ends
keeps us
holds us
leads us
always tearing us apart

again

I try, I do. I try and try. A happy ending?
Sure enough — Hello darling, welcome home.
I'll call you darling, hold you tight. We are
not traitors but the lights go out. It's dark.
Sweetheart, is that you?

now that we've come so far
how can we ever start again?

Repeated once again:
"REMAIN, REMAIN. NEVER FORGET. REMAIN, REMAIN!"

This is a version of me and you, that can exist outside of everything else.

"New paths"? Oh, what's the use, just give me a break!
Old friends will still leave distress in their wake!

Was I fine? Was I not my prime when you saw me?

if these days were to be told as another 「story」,
i would again be happy