Nicole Tersigni

me: ah, finally we have reached it, the absolute pinnacle of horrifying news. it simply cannot get worse.

the news: lol

yes hegseth is an incompetent bloodthirsty drunk, but he’s also annoying and having to hear from him even more is going to make me catatonic

omg sooooo annoying

they thought we wouldn’t see it but we did

operation

Eek!
Pete
Is a
Crusty

Fart
Under
tRump’s
Yucky butt.

someone tell him is a Very Tough Boy and maybe he’ll go away

one lesser discussed downside to war is having to see and hear peter hogsled every day

(respectfully) what are the witches working on right now if not…you know… 💀

how do you keep a straight face after calling someone megadoodoo

One thing about me is I will watch 5000 hours of news bloopers. I will turn off Oscar-award-winning director Chloe Zhao’s searing portrait of parental grief, HAMNET, to watch me some news bloopers. Neither Shakespeare nor his wife ever called someone Deedee MegaDooDoo on accident.

[speaking to a clown face painted on a cow’s butt] mr president sir you’ve never looked better

extra embarrassing for absolutely no reason

I’m so good at blocking, I’m shocked you’re still here Bob.

yes gas prices will go up but at least stephen miller is whispering sweet nothings in donald trump’s ear

sorry, sir, the sun bounced off your solid gold throne room and blasted my eyeballs out of my head.

you were saying something about how things keep getting more expensive for average americans?

we interrupt your regularly scheduled screaming to bring you this important message: WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING

April from parks and rec: I THINK WE CAN AGREE THAT ALL CEREAL TASTES THE SAME, AND IF YOU SPEND MORE THAN $5 ON CEREAL YOU ARE VERY STUPID.

lmao

I’m A MAN. I sleep in a WOOD SHED. I eat CARDBOARD. I wipe my butt with CARPET. yes I scoot across it like A DOG. if my cereal box has a colorful cartoon character on it I will LOSE IT. my wife left me for KEVIN.

RIP to every man whose dick fell off when he tried to eat regular cereal. you would have loved Man Cereal.

:(

forced by my own fallible human nature to look this up and you will never guess how much Man Cereal costs. (3 boxes for $58 before tax and shipping)

look i don't wanna hear matt walsh's name unless he's been eaten by wolves and even then I honestly don't care

travel mug makers: do you like hot coffee

us: yes

tmm: DO YOU LIKE HOT COFFEE

us: YES

tmm: DO YOU WANT TO BURN YOUR TASTE BUDS OFF

us: wait what

tmm: WE’LL KEEP YOUR COFFEE BOILING HOT FOR 72 HOURS

us: can you just keep it warm for like 20 mins?

tmm: oh we don’t have the technology for that

reduced to driving with a regular open mug of coffee sloshing around like the risk taker I am not

I know there’s a lot going on, but let me know when we are ready to talk about travel mug technology and how it has gone way too far. I do not need my coffee to be boiling lava hot for 72 hours. maybe I’m some kind of witch, but I can drink it much faster than that.

I simply do not think we are ready for this technology

donald trump: pete headsled is good at his job

reporter: what is his job exactly?

donald trump: I want to say…something about war. or is it pronounced whar? but mostly he’s very good at showing me how to turn on the tv in the big airplane.

Oof. I just read your post in the most uncharitable, pedantic way possible, and I gotta tell ya: it's not looking good for you.

I’m making your statue as we speak (it’s not going well, I do not know how to make statues)