Ness Robinson

Typhoid Dairy.

@beefanddairy.bsky.social the Mongols used trebuchets to fling plague-infected cow corpses into the water supply of their enemies. Splat. Just saying.

IMO figuring out how to do the work was plenty of work for today, but my boss disagrees

Which requires Infuriating Software #4.

The only thing worse than Infuriating Task #1? Being interrupted in the middle of it to handle Infuriating Task #2.

Chronic illness means learning to live with unimaginable amounts of pain & suffering

It means adapting to being trapped in a body that you don’t understand. That never feels safe

It’s learning that hospitals won’t help you, friends & family will leave you, and your “normal” is forever changed.

It’s easy to live happily ever after, it’s just that “ever after” has to be short as fuck.

Nothing is beautiful and everything hurts.

RNA xkcd.com/3056

It's okay to create, live, & enjoy a life the people around you don't understand.

For trauma survivors in recovery, it's actually kind of essential to live a life the people around us growing up can't (or wouldn't) understand-- or approve of.

A wound many complex trauma survivors share is never knowing when our relationships will turn cold, belittling, or unsafe.

If our recovery is going to be realistic & sustainable, it's real important we not recreate that uncertainty in our relationship w/ ourselves.

Yesterday I wore something from 5 years ago and it fit!!!

So proud of myself. It was a pair of socks, But still.

Let's be positive here.

Making amends in trauma or addiction recovery is about understanding what happened, communicating our understanding as best we can, & changing our behavior going forward-- & being vicious w/ ourselves does not facilitate any of that.

Grace over guilt, & do the next right thing.

Hobbies, art, & music we enjoy & find meaning in are non-negotiable trauma recovery tools. Trauma tries to alienate us from who we are w/ a sh*tstorm of reactions & memories. We have to purposefully work to find ourselves again-- & develop & reinforce who we are beyond survival.

Your inner critic might try to shame you for grieving. "You're weak." "You should be over this." "This wasn't that big a deal."

Grieving is NORMAL & HEALTHY. Even if it takes longer-- maybe a LOT longer-- than we think it "should."

Protect your grief from your inner critic.

What we are building in trauma recovery is better than anything that was possible by leaving our life on autopilot.

Our autopilot was programmed by people & experiences we want to leave behind-- so every day we have to accept the hassle of taking the wheel.

People making assumptions about us-- especially our attitudes or motives-- can be highly triggering to trauma survivors, especially if neglect is pat of our history. It echoes & deepens feelings of invisibility & being dismissed-- & can also kindle an unexpected "fight" response.

Glad to know I’m not alone XD

Forget lemons and lemonade. cPTSD fries my brain on a regular basis, so I will be rolling it in bread crumbs and making dip for next time.

I was falling asleep at my desk so I stood up and now I know that “fall asleep standing up” is actually a real thing that happens sometimes

Yeah I know people say anxiety is bad, but mine has just been collecting all the possible things that can go wrong so far. Once it has an exhaustive catalog of every possible mishap, it’ll move on to suggesting solutions and then you better watch out.

It is Tuesday, and the great thing about Tuesday is that it is no longer Monday

Bad things happened and I am determined to work from home tomorrow as a nervous system break. My brain cannot currently handle knowing that I have to go to the place where I do the things, but apparently just doing the things is fine and dandy.

God yes. It’s like my brain is expecting someone to kill me the second I wake up fully, so it’s a solid hour or more of shaking in terror until I’m conscious enough to realize nothing is going to happen

The "fawn" response is going to try to tell us that "keeping the peace" is more important to our relationships than authenticity-- but if we're not being authentic, our relationships aren't really relationships. They're skits. Line readings.

F*ck that, you know?

I recommend taking a radical no-shame, no-blame attitude toward trauma responses. They're symptoms, not "choices."

I also recommend taking a radical no-excuses attitude toward catching ourselves as soon as we can & choosing compassionate, realistic responses to trauma reflexes.

Developing self-trust isn't about deciding we're always right. I assure you, we're not.

It's about treating our own experience as a valid source of data-- which can feel like a radical, "dangerous" concept, when relationships have been shot through w/ gaslighting for years.

You have no idea how much I needed this today.

You don't need to "earn" your "right" to create or experience a life you like & value. If you can read these words, you have the "right" to recover. It's your trauma wounded nervous system & "parts" you have to convince that you're not "destined" for misery you somehow "deserve."