Jill Hand

Shopping with my son for his first house, I find myself asking him, “Remind me, was that the one that smelled like urine or the one with the Teletubbies wallpaper?”

My condolences

I’m nice AF, a total delight.

When I was a child, among the businesses in my town were the Rainbow Car Wash and Rainbow Carpet Cleaning.Their signage pictured a rainbow.🌈
Nobody freaked out and demanded the names be changed, claiming: tHe rAiNBow REPreSenT GoD pRoMiSe NoT to dO anOTher fLooD aNd iS nOT To bE tRIFLed WiTH!

I just want to put it out there that I was not involved in the Louvre Museum jewelry heist. I wasn’t even invited to participate, which annoys me.

Nah, I’m good. It would be different if it were those blackberry and raspberry gummy nonpareils. I’m a fiend for those, but there are none to be found anywhere this year, as far as I can tell.

Ten-year-old me would buy this 19.5-inch polyresin statue without hesitation and proudly display it in the front yard, for all my friends to gaze upon with envy.
I’m still tempted, but I’d want it to be life size, with animatronic movements and whinnying, galloping sounds.

My town’s water department presented us with a gift of a 10-cup Britta water filter and pitcher worth at least $16 retail, to make up for having ignored our complaints about drastically low water volume.
Now they’re out there with a device called a mole, installing a new water line.

Kids growing up on the mean streets of suburban New Jersey learn early to double consonants when adding a suffix to a stressed syllable ending in a single vowel and consonant.

These were ridiculously hot, 1,000 times hotter than jalapeños.

“These chilis are very, very hot,” the waiter said.
“Be careful,” the waiter said.
“Try a tiny bite first,” the waiter said.
But did I listen?
Reader, I did not.

Woody was a complex individual who had a horrendous childhood. He committed some criminal acts, and doodled racially offensive cartoons, but he was a goddamn genius. His music will be performed long after the current crop of shitstains who are running this country and in the ground.

Saw a loon yesterday at a marina on the Navesink River. It dove under the water too fast to take a photo. They don’t often turn up as far south as New Jersey. Might be climate change, IDK.

Festooned!

Constant craving…

Help solve a mystery

Crab Rangoon! I love it so.

"What the president was trying to do, in this very humorous and very unique way, was highlight how hard it is for us to forgive our enemies," the vice president said.
Yep, what a kidder, that Donny! Guy shoulda done standup. He would’ve wowed ‘em in the Poconos.

Photos strictly forbidden, they said. No picture-taking, or else, they said.
Reader, I did it anyway.

Where’s evil? It’s that part of every man that wants to hate without limit, that wants to hate with God on its side. It’s that part of every man that finds all kinds of ugliness so attractive.
- Kurt Vonnegut, Mother Night

Here’s how I imagine it went down:
Trump, at Mar-a-Lago, with some billionaires: “Ya know what the White House needs? A huge, fancy ballroom.”
The billionaires nod in agreement. Trump beckons to a server. “Bring me a Diet Coke, honey.”
She complies.
To the billionaires: “Wouldja look at that ass!”

Song at Parting, by Raymond Chandler
He left her lying in the nude
That sultry night in May.
The neighbors thought it rather rude.
He liked her best that way.
He left a rose beside her head,
A meat-axe in her brain.
A note upon the bureau read:
‘I won’t be back again.’

Zhuang Yunfei: “Look, it’s science, okay? There’s nothing creepy about it.”

Just a snack to hold us over until the entrées arrive

He wrote a book about bowling and has a meager income from the royalties.

When did clowns go from being harmless entertainers beloved by children and adults alike to terrifying nightmare creatures?
I’m guessing somewhere around 1965, but why?

My husband asked me to bring home a pecan Danish, but he doesn’t want one now, not after I texted him this pic and assured him that the object in the foreground is a pecan, not a cockroach.

The lights are on, but nobody’s home. I ❤️ Pockets; there’s just not a lot going on upstairs.

It’s the time of year when Mainers anticipate the exodus of the summer complaint. It’s not some kind of seasonal illness; it refers to tourists, folks who bring much-needed money, but whose departure is cause for celebration.
My great-aunt Rosetta put it this way, “Now we can get back to nah-mul.”

El Cid was in perfect health; his doctor said so. He was strapped to his horse for safety. Yeah, that’s it. Safety. He totally wasn’t dead. Look at him go! Would a dead man be able to ride a horse like that?