mean things I say to myself

Lewis & Clark are known as Lewis & Clark because nobody can or should respect a man named Meriwether

a woman with dark hair looking in a mirror putting on purple lip stain

woman taking mirror selfie wearing purple lip stain

I like seeing my fav love island girly using the same lip stain as me MAKE A LOVE ISLAND OVER 35 AND CAST ME DAMNIT

Star Trek The Next Generation scene. We're in a darkly lit engineering near the warp core. Worf is in uniform and walking alongside the cute lil safety railing. He looks focused and intense. Closed caption reads, "Living among these humans has sucked."

a woman in a blue dress is dancing on a stage with a guitar . Alt: The Goddess Dolly in a blue outfit dancing on stage

She's been working her ass off on stage for decades, just ship it to her, she earned it

This may be wildly controversial but I think we should just go ahead and give Dolly Parton a Tony so she has her EGOT

Her: Why so spiteful and venomous?

Rattlesnake: Brenda, we’ve already been through this.

Sorry I gave you a throat chop when you told me to have a nice day.

Tears For Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.

Everybody: Nope. Just one lying motherfucker.

dude, your soda and your boots rock

God bless the troops and all, but shower sex is actually the fuken worst

I am beginning to think that my childhood anti-aging regimen of Flintstone vitamins and stealing my mom's Clinique gifts with purchase aren't going to prevent me from having to use industrial strength eye cream at age 50

It's always best to put things a few very different ways, even if you're especially if you're explaining that words decorate an idea and where you place them is oh look, the action fell asleep. Let's trim its nails and do its homework.

Didn’t like my cholesterol numbers so I fired my doctor. That’ll teach everyone.

Alex on twitter writes: "Someone on Twitter writes: "You’re a menswear writer. You don’t know anything about manufacturing in America, or steel mills, or metallurgy, or CNC machining, or how anything is produced from raw material into a finished product in this country or anywhere. Stick to writing about “men’s fashion."" I reply: "i actually had a career in knifemaking before this. the reason why you can't avoid tariffs in knifemaking is because everyone relies on Gobelin machinery. are you aware of this?" Alex replies: "Gobelin machinery? What exactly are you referring to?" I reply: "you Gobelin DEEZ NUTS!"

"stick to menswear"

‘Hot Wasps’ Found at Nuclear Facility in South Carolina

Hot Wasps in Your Area

I probably know the password if I could only figure out which email I used. 😅

Nooooooooo I hate that

I am the worst because the only thing I hate more than being misunderstood is explaining what I meant

What flavor of ADHD do you have? I have the kind where I just got charged for Dropbox every year but I have no idea what email I set up the paid Dropbox account under eight to ten years ago

My purse doesn’t know you either

Every website ever

“Stop me if you’ve herd this one.”

- shepherd dad humor

“These synthesizers sound like shit. Let’s use them in place of every organic instrument.”

- 80s pop bands

[first date]

Him: So what do you do?

Her: I’m an oncologist.

Him: So you’re always on call?

Who called it smog instead of the air apparent?

Thinking about installing an above ground basement.

Tenants and landlords making spitefully generous rental agreements in your own head is not how thinking about someone is supposed to work. I invited you to stay in there, don't sign anything unless it's a guestbook or repurposed casts to use as armrests for the guestbook chair

Look, all I am saying is that if you are on television playing an all-seeing hot guy silver fox host, you should probably splurge on the no-line bifocals

A Rose O'Neill pen and ink drawing, featuring a giant humanoid embracing a smaller one. It is captioned "Man and the Earth."

A Rose O'Neill pen and ink drawing, featuring a giant female satyr embracing a small human male. She appears to be nuzzling him.

A Rose O'Neill pen and ink drawing, featuring a giant female humanoid nuzzling a tiny male humanoid. It is titled "Besieging the lips of the Earth."

This is your occasional reminder that Rose O'Neill, creator of the Kewpies, first published female cartoonist in the United States, and among the first cartoonists to build a merchandising empire on their work, turned out some absolutely baller, romantic-feeling size-difference monster art.

Saw a completely solid gold wrapped Cybertruck with gold rims and I don’t use this word lightly but that’s the most try hard pathetic cuck thing I’ve ever seen