James Garside

Told them to fuck off.

Why yes I’m from Yorkshire. How could you tell?

Also: I did all this to save four pounds.

Did I mention that I’m from Yorkshire?

The alternative was spending more money on customer service phone calls than the clothes I was trying to buy.

Solved the problem myself.

Then was targeted by scammers trying to impersonate the retailer.

This is why we can't have nice things.

Spent longer sorting out a 10% discount on t-shirts than some people spend planning military operations.

I donated clothes in return for a voucher that didn’t work.

Followed a rabbit trail of dead customer service channels and social media profiles.

Download my PDF completely for free. All it costs you is your soul… Email. I meant email.

According to English Qabalah the meaning of my name is 666. According to my friends that explains a lot.

The little guy still boots despite being obsolete. A dead battery and several sticking keys means retirement might look like being sold to a refurbisher for parts or repair. Seems kinder than chucking it in a skip. I'm not crying you're crying.

Macbook Air 2012 to 2025

My 2012 11-inch Macbook Air has retired after over 13 years of service. 8GB Ram and 512GB storage. Replaced by a 13-inch M4 Macbook Air. 32GB Ram and 2TB storage. The torch has been passed.

I’m #83 rising in Humor on Substack. Insert punchline here. Hold for laugh.

Last time I buy Vegan Leather. I’m just saying.

kermit the frog says that 's exactly how it feels on a black background ALT: kermit the frog says that 's exactly how it feels on a black background

Exactly.

What are your plans for the weekend?

Writers are alchemists. You can't turn lead into gold but you can turn words into money.

The etymology of the word Grimoire, a book used to summon demons, comes from grammar. Why do you think demons are so bad at spelling? Ok, that was a joke but you get the idea.

Writing is magick and vice versa. Thoth is the Egyptian god of magick and writing. Coincidence? I think not. Magick isn't called 'the art' for nothing.

Hi Vanessa. Thanks for the thoughtful feedback. All the images were created by me using AI tools to create storyboards / concept art based on my writing. I could maybe add something like "AI-generated storyboards and concept art by James Garside."

I finally forced myself to stop procrastinating and finish my website. I only mention this because I secretly hope someone will glance at it and say "Good job!" But I'll gladly settle for your honest opinion.

It's here if you are interested.

Much love, James x

jamesgarside.net

I finished my website!

jamesgarside.net

Made a new friend,

"We are Rainbowarriors
Evil come not near
Rainbow love awaits us
With hearts of love and tears"
— CocoRosie

a cartoon character with a purple cape is sitting on a pink couch holding a toy . ALT: a cartoon character with a purple cape is sitting on a pink couch holding a toy .

Best character in Teen Titans Go.

a woman is holding a cup of coffee and saying crisis averted . ALT: a woman is holding a cup of coffee and saying crisis averted .

Oh that's great. I do something similar. I have an email where the name is Monkey, that I use for mailing lists, so that every time I get an email from a marketer it says Hi Monkey.

@vjknipe.bsky.social Sad to lose you on Substack. Thanks for subscribing as long as you did. Any thoughts on how to make it better please let me know. I'm neglecting it somewhat at the moment. All the best, J

Been listening to God Must Hate Me on repeat and thinking about myself: “Yeah. Probably.”

Once upon a time, on a feedback form for one of the creative writing courses that I taught.

A student, who’d heard that I was an Elf, left the following comment about me:

"Strangely normal ears."

All these years later, I'm still laughing.

hermione granger from harry potter with a text message that says i 'm stabbing you in my mind ALT: hermione granger from harry potter with a text message that says i 'm stabbing you in my mind

The Beatles are overrated. Tea is better than coffee. Harry Potter is for kids. Sorry, I know I’m right, but I'm just expressing extreme opinions in order to trigger moral outrage. Apparently that's the done thing.

You don't know me well enough to ask a stupid question and be given the benefit of the doubt.

I got a job teaching AI how to write better. You can call me The AI Whisperer if you want. But if chatbots start being grumpy and sarcastic with a Yorkshire accent I swear I had nothing to do with it.

“Out of everything I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most!”

— Ozzy Osbourne

a man in a suit and tie is making a funny face while standing in front of a window . ALT: a man in a suit and tie is making a funny face while standing in front of a window .

Me: Who are these psychopaths lurking on my Substack? They don’t write their own Substack, don't have any followers or subscribers, and they're not even attempting the usual grift of telling people they know how to make money on Substack.

Brain: They’re called readers, James.

*awkward silence*

I'm 48. I see a bunch of ways I've made a mess of my life. Is it possible to turn my life around? Even if nobody around me expects me to succeed? Asking for a friend.