Mx. Thorne & Co.

how do I say it feels like god is stopping me from taking my meds without sounding insane

there is so much life in our house tonight. things are not perfect, but they are better. we can breathe. we can relax. we can be safe.

I'm fucking starving but none of the food looks real to me. too hungry to sleep but the voices in my brain say all the food is poison. I open the fridge and all I see is blobs of color and I don't comprehend any of it.

someday I will know what it is to feel included

sounds of joy and laughter until they realize I'm awake. rough

I'm losing myself

I will waste away by design

save me from myself by doing what I never had the strength to. the only way to help me now is to put me down

someone hit me so maybe I can get the hurt *out*

somehow this is our fault. if we disappeared everything would be easier for the rest.

once again hoping we made the right choice. why is everything so much. why does it only ever get harder? why is it only ever more? why can't it ever be easier? why can't it ever be less?

things were supposed to be better

Friday at last…

Unwell

I ruin everything I touch. Everything I get involved with.

Why must everyone else pay for my own sins?

Myself and those around me are drowning in misfortune, in a storm that will not cease. It is hard not to wonder if those old stories have some merit.

In the book of Jonah, God calls on Jonah to serve him. Jonah instead flees as far as he can go, inviting misfortune on himself and those around him. Storms that only calm once he is thrown from the ship.

When I was younger, I too was called by God and have since fled as far as I can go.

I'm ruining everything

the worst part is that im not even allowed to be broken. I start to have a breakdown and I can't even let my emotions out because I have to share space with others. I don't have a place I can just be sad

someone. anyone. save me, please

I find myself, once again, without a place. Just borrowing another's.

I haven't sang since I started the pills. I barely listen to music anymore, either.

I feel terrible, and I just. The pills help but they don't do enough I just feel awful always and I don't know why. I try to act like I don't feel awful because I want to laugh and smile and be silly puppy but underneath it all I'm just. Always awful.

I hurt so much, in body and soul. Always hurting, always aching. Always right up to the breaking point, but never past. A constant wear, weathering me down, leaving nothing but a husk.

Hulk hurts. All the time hurts. All the time always. Why? Why Hulk have to hurt so much?

I don't know why I even try. I just bungle everything up when I try to join the conversation.

I think I'm dying.

in the soul and in the mind

there's a head attached to a body and I'm trapped in it. let me out. let me out of this cage. let me out please. I'll do whatever you want just LET ME OUT

why do I have to exist

My entire life, boxed up, in transit, split between two places. And I still have the gall to pretend I can lay my head down here.