filth_waste

i didn’t go on my morning run today. i place the blame squarely on my political enemies

getting divorced sucks because i have no job and no car / getting divorced is fucking awesome because i don’t have to pretend to cum to make him feel good at sex anymore

the human brain was designed to be good at karate

First world problems? pssh this ain't the first world

I'm just saying if you build a life-size model of a wooly mammoth it would be really cool of you to let me hotbox it

there's this video where this little kid is running down a hill, hits the side of a car, impact makes a huge sound, kid falls down, and yells, "i'm okay!"

so anyway, I'm okay. are you okay?

Yeah, sorry i'm late - been trying to explain the concept of time to my cat

service writer at the car shop had the nose hair of Luigi Mangione’s eyebrows

thinking about doxxing and then swatting myself to teach myself a lesson for winning at solitaire

you can actually kiss using other body holes and it’s just as romantic

I only wear the part of jeans that don't get used for jorts.

Is it ennui or is it what my mom and grandmother called "the whim-whams" bc those are two independent states

imagine bsky letting you decide which accounts are RUDE

stuff isn’t that bad. there’s still a chance the earth will explode

i microdose the pompeii disaster every day by jacking off with no regard for what’s going on

dogs go to hell because they don’t take communion

me, as a therapist: omg samesies

the keepers took it away and replaced it with a new one he doesn’t like. so watch out for that

i’m like punch the monkey except millions of higher beings are watching my life and actively rooting for me to suffer

Adults are so disappointing

Usually I wake up after one of these speeches and find out we’re invading Narnia or some shit

ohh little lord fauntleroy loves his coffee with a lump of sugar so it’s as sweet as he. embarrassing

no i don’t need creamer in my coffee do i look like a fucking child

Nothing says "I'm thinking of you" quite like masturbation.

(doing a voice) rawb zawmbie

Smelling salts but for my soul

Sometimes I like to just lay in bed for four or five weeks, and just really let the dread take hold in my soul.

the point where ai becomes intelligent enough to make a believable girlfriend is also the point where it's intelligent enough never to date a dude who wants one

at the age where I need someone to love me for my mind