filth_waste

i know why the caged bird sings (horny)

normal road
take me home
one that’s not
bumpy as shit

Olympics are fine but nothing beats the thrill of watching the map with the little car carrying my pizza

Grief eventually leads to joy, which you'll know when you've cried so hard your nose makes a noise just like a clown's nose being honked

[updating my dating profile]
Just an old rolling stone who rolled over the hill

"You make me happy" I say to my wife, a giant cheeseburger.

every charismatic celebrity i see is either a personal friend or enemy

Can't, redecorating my crying cave

As you go to work today to start another week, it may help to remember that Skeletor was often thwarted by his own inept henchman too

i'd never live in europe i don't think i could wake up that early

I am looking for 12k friends :)

hey what’s going on everybody from first we feast i’m sean evans and you’re watching hot ones it’s the show with hot questions and even hotter wings and today i’m joined by luigi mangione

This is absolutely not where I saw myself 5 years ago

it would be great if every single goddamned thing didn't follow inexorably from the last

i didn’t go on my morning run today. i place the blame squarely on my political enemies

getting divorced sucks because i have no job and no car / getting divorced is fucking awesome because i don’t have to pretend to cum to make him feel good at sex anymore

the human brain was designed to be good at karate

First world problems? pssh this ain't the first world

I'm just saying if you build a life-size model of a wooly mammoth it would be really cool of you to let me hotbox it

there's this video where this little kid is running down a hill, hits the side of a car, impact makes a huge sound, kid falls down, and yells, "i'm okay!"

so anyway, I'm okay. are you okay?

Yeah, sorry i'm late - been trying to explain the concept of time to my cat

service writer at the car shop had the nose hair of Luigi Mangione’s eyebrows

thinking about doxxing and then swatting myself to teach myself a lesson for winning at solitaire

you can actually kiss using other body holes and it’s just as romantic

I only wear the part of jeans that don't get used for jorts.

Is it ennui or is it what my mom and grandmother called "the whim-whams" bc those are two independent states

imagine bsky letting you decide which accounts are RUDE

stuff isn’t that bad. there’s still a chance the earth will explode

i microdose the pompeii disaster every day by jacking off with no regard for what’s going on

dogs go to hell because they don’t take communion