bro thinks he’s important but isn’t even compromised by israel 🙄
i am “being treated well by a romantic partner is negotiable” years old
I like a high necked sweater, preferably a zip-up collar. It slows down the dozens of people who try to strangle me every day
people take this place way too seriously like it's not that deep i just post when i have something funny to say and when i don't
I was going to eat the entire burrito, but fell asleep halfway through.
running a psyop campaign against babies where i make them believe i disappeared behind my hands and have stolen their nose
calling it a shitpost doesn't give you carte blanche to be incredibly annoying, that only works for me
Rinsed the sauce off of my Lean Cuisine chicken and replaced the potatoes with extra broccoli if you're looking for a nasty girl.
i haven’t seen such a dubious connection to mines since errol musk
i would simply traverse the strait of hormuz with a pure heart, ensuring my safe passage
third base is when you sit on the toilet and the seat’s still warm
waiting for the host to ask "does anyone else have anything to share" before telling the entire company all hands meeting about how i've had confusing feelings ever since that guy flashed me on the subway
I bet the person who coined the term 'yacht rock' meant it pejoratively and is annoyed that fans actually liked and embraced it.
I just took a heroic dose of Zyrtec
(drifting off to sleep)
I bet living in a big strawberry isn't as great as it seems.
i am going to run so fast as to reverse the flow of time to a point before they were aware of childhood disease
i'm actually joining the 5k fun run to decrease awareness actually. i'm making smug faces and doing a jerkoff motion throughout
feeling like shit all of the time is actually good and healthy
I'll sing that I like to eat ooples and banoonoos, but I'm not really all that psyched.
Got some wet cat food precum in my beard, the mood for the day is pâté
had a dream my company went bankrupt and my ceo was asking me "what do i do now my only skill is talking in sound bites"
the only maxxing i do is at tj maxx
i'm great at distracting people from obsessing about their problems by giving them new obscure things to worry about instead, and if you don't like that idea I also offer doing exactly that but 10x faster
people have actually lost during "sudden death" overtime and gone on to live fulfilling lives
has anyone considered the benefits of protesting from home by eating potato chips and catching up on tv shows that have been recommended by friends???
one of my favorite things about dogs is that none of them own guns
not enough people are getting crunk anymore
happy birthday mr. frog
daylight savings doesn’t go far enough. we should change the time daily. make me feel like i stepped out of a game of jumanji every time i leave the serene comfort of sleep
I get it, moon. My gibbous is waning, too.
