And, I don't have anyone to really talk to about any of this. I have no friends. My family is sick of my depression/anxiety. So, as much as I hate AI. just rant to it.
I'm having to deal with a lot of homophobia/sexual harassment issues at work. Coupled with being just tired of being/living alone for almost a decade. I'm just done.
And, I'm not looking for sympathy or attention. I'm just so exhausted of life/living right now. And, I just need to vent.
This body can't stand out in gay spaces. And it sucks. I'm invisible. Tbh, I seriously almost killed myself while I was in DC for MAL because of how invisible I was. I was going to either get a guardsmen to shoot me. Or, jump in front of a Amtrak or Metro train.
I'm tired of my therapist telling me that I shouldn't need intimacy/basic touch. I'm tired of being told that wanting hook up makes me a whore. And that no wonder gay men don't want me. That they would flock to me if I wanted a relationship.
I'm tired of feeling so unwanted. I;m tired of my self worth being destroyed every weekend/every time I want a modicum of connection. I'm tired of being told to "love myself". Who can love something that's treated like it's an abomination?
If I was a fit, muscle gay. I can guarantee that people would want me...
I've worked hard to lose almost 200lbs. And... All I want is for someone to want me. To think I'm attractive enough to fuck me. And, That hasn't happened. For the last 15 years.... Nobody wanted me when I was 435lbs. Nobody wants me at 241lbs.
I just hate gay body standards. I hate the expectation that every single thing about your body has to be perfect or you have no value. It's a problem in every kink community as well. For me. The pup nights I've been to. Plus, MAL this year proved it. Don't have a perfect body. Then fuck you..
I feel like I'm permanently broken.....
I'm just tired of having no other choice but watching porn and using toys
So, I have a legitimate question.... How do I (A 6'5", 241lb bottom) hook up? Especially as Grindr/Scruff/Sniffies/Growlr don't work for me.. And the nearest bar is 70mins away.
I have no clue why I even bother to get on Grindr/scruff. It's not like the local hicks are interested.
This was my first explicitly trans cartoon I created many years ago. And I'm very proud of it. I have prints of this available with I hope all possible pronoun variations. It's called "Lost Transgender Lamb - Choose Your Pronouns Print". Trans rights are human rights!
Omg. One of my all time favorite shows! The entire cast is amazing!
Just self conscious of my body and it''s (perceived) failings. The attractive guys I follow here don't help (through no fault of their own).
Can't shake the feeling I'm the wrong type of bear/fat....
Slowly getting rid of the cottage cheese ass. Plus, new lighting!!! Last one is a normal progress pic just because.
#tummytuesday progress pics. Going longer/farther on the stationary bike. Finished my 2nd virtual marathon too! Featuring my new Roughtrade haul. Wanted to get something for whenever I make it to play parties. Yes, I am flagging with these.... #humanpup #pupplay #gay #gaypup
Also, my new sexy underwear came in from Rough Trade. Might try them on tonight....
I've been reading the Game Changer series. And...
1. The non Shane/Ilya books are the best (Oh, Ryan. So painful to see anxiety portrayed in a way that hit too close to home.)
2. Book Ilya is so much better than the show version. Is he still an asshole? yes. But, at least in the books. He's kind.
All the gay community has done is remind me how broken and undesirable I am. When there are guys who are uglier/fatter who constantly hook up. And I can't get one fucking look from someone.
And I get it. I'm fat. Bit, guys who are way fucking fatter and way uglier hook up all the time. And, I can't even once in the last 16 yrs.
9 games that make me who I am.
My9games.com
I know it's not that impressive. But, considering I haven't been the most active person since covid. But, I'm proud of my self. 98 miles of walking/stationary biking in 31 days!
The bonus content is all the simps that try and defend them. Like, your defending someone ok the killing of children. Maybe stop jerking off and reevaluate your life.
I keep my twitter acct or one reason: The drama that ensues when a RW/Maga/Warmonger Content Creator gay gets outed for the filth that they are.
🤍🩶🖤🤎💜💙🩵💚💛🧡❤️🫶🫶🫶😘😘😘
Also, finally getting into a stride with the stationary bike. Doing sligthly less milages wise (12 miles vs. ~11.5 miles). But, doing it longer (55 min vs 40min) and more resistance.
Less than 6 miles (once my steps from today post) to completing my first virtual marathon (89miles)!
Have the new Gorillaz album on repeat.
