Scott Clevenger

BETTY CROCKER: Who bakes CAKE CASSEROLES? CAKE ASSERHOLES!
DIRECTOR: Cut! Are you drunk?
BETTY: NO! "I guarantee a PERFECT cake every time you bake. cake...after cake...after cake!" Think they realize I'm Satan in disguise and they'll be baking fake cakes in HELL? For ETERNITY??
DIRECTOR: Cut

Happy birthday to my friend and podcasting partner, Jeff Holland, aka @theslumgullion.bsky.social.

Sounds like one of the shows the title character obsesses about on Murderbot.

HER: Dang! Why can't I hit that little guy? Cuz he's so little? Oh well, at least if his bullets hit me they'll be too small to hurt. Like bug bites!
HIM: Becky--
HER: Oh! I thought you were dead!
HIM: Gettin' there. Anyway, I think it's time we finally had that talk about Forced Perspective...

It was perhaps the most challenging of all Triathlons, requiring competitors to swim 2.4 miles, then bike 112 miles, then play the drum solo from Led Zeppelin's "Moby Dick" using their intact hymen as a percussion instrument.

I mean, when you gotta call the Fire Department to get your President down off the roof…

A sign for “Jesse’s Grill.”

♫ and she’s watching him with those fries

My objection to mayonnaise isn't culinary so much as it is sociological. I believe that Hellmann's efforts to produce a so-called "He-Man" mayo resulted instead in a condiment suffering from toxic masculinity.

On the golf course, HE was the pro. In the bedroom, SHE was. On the beach, they were BOTH hopeless incompetents.

HIM: So I'm gonna, uh, stick my...finger?...in your...nose? That sounds right?

HER: Sure! Yeah! Whatever...just pick a nostril, I'm feelin' frisky!

I have a confession make. Sometimes I say "Rubber Biscuit" but I don't roll my Rs.

"Bedded by Bread: My Shocking Confession!"

WEEKLY WORLD NEWS EXCLUSIVE!
NEW EVIDENCE PROVES THE GREEK GODS EXIST!
"Zeus shot off my penis!" Complains Athens, GA Man. Adds, "It's THIS kinda thing that's making Americans turn away from religion!"

"Top of the girl, ma!"

"There! Touch me there, Ted! YES! Gently caress my artificial hip--!"
"Honey--"
"Don't break the mood! Why aren't you aroused?"
"Well this isn't really--"
"You SAID you wanted forbidden thrills and a 'different' love--NOW FINGER MY TITANIUM BALL JOINT!"

Yeah, exactly. Who could've guessed that--of the two of them--the guy who emerged a star from MY BODYGUARD would be *Adam Baldwin*

No one can question his commitment to the ANTI-BOARD GAME SQUAD!

I think it's fair to say that in MAZES AND MONSTERS (1982) Tom Hanks had not yet found his instrument. But the cop played by Murray Hamilton (the Mayor from JAWS) is hilarious, lecturing a sweater-vested, D&D-playing nerd with the fast-talking contempt of Joe Friday tongue-lashing a hippie on acid

The GOAT. Winner, World's Widest Mustache, 1973-2010 inclusive.

It's a Wonderful Life (1946) Christmas in July

I was in the mood for a horror movie, and this thing has scared me since I was a little boy.
open.substack.com/pub/clevenge...

Only on Animal Planet...After Dark.

A lot of people don't know that members of the species Magnus volat turtur (Big Flying Turtle), such as Gamera, mate in mid-air, like eagles. Turns out, that information came as a surprise to Zigra, too.

"Hey Bob, you taking Introductory Girl this semester? I was thinking we could be study buddies..."

"Aw, sorry, Greg. I took an AP course in high school, so they put me in Intermediate Girl."

The New Way with ground beef is Danish-inspired Stuffed Cabbage Crown! Beef is seasoned and stuffed into a hollowed-out cabbage, then steamed until it turns gray and resembles a photo of the lunar surface. Serve with depressed potato wedges that have just laid down to await sweet, sweet death.

Spam as a 2nd Language: “Date On Lineman Russian Women” I tried dating a Lineman Woman. Turned out it was just Glen Campbell catfishing me.

MEANWHILE, as the Multiverse began to collapse, Shaka Zulu found himself fighting the Mexican bandits from Treasure of the Sierra Madre on the steps of the Paris Opera House.

HER: Good evening, gentlemen. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk on nipples.

HIM: (SLURRING) Yeah I had a few drinks--SO WHAT? I'm not too drunk to shoot straight, and who ELSE around here is gonna stop that slutty-lookin' polar bear?

They were still annoying and deadly cannibals, but I miss the days when the C.H.U.D.s were all elegant swells who dressed for dinner.

"Somebody should tell his wife."
"That he's gay?"
"No, that he drowns his t-bone in ketchup like some dolt from Queens."
"Oh. Right."
"But we should probably lead with the gay thing."

Okay, hear me out... A series of mysteries about the Victorian-era girl sleuth Calliope Twyne, who takes her bellows camera into the woods behind her home in a whimsical quest for fairy mounds, but what she finds instead is... MURDER! (Murdered fairies, obviously, and the local Bobbies are stumped!)

If you still feel doomed, try knocking on a butthole (but ask nicely first!)