Scott Clevenger

I once thought I'd left that life behind, but there's no getting around it: you can leave McDonaldland, but it never really leaves you. Even now, whenever someone wonders aloud, "Whatever happened to Ronald McDonald?" I can't help remembering the last time I saw him...

It's always Do As I Say, Not What I Do with these hypocrites.

WAVE THE MUSTARDY VEST!

If the Bible were literally true, like my relatives always insisted, then why don't you get a free woman with each McRib?

HER: Don't bother trying to cover up the evidence, Frank. I know you've been cheating on me with Lionel Richie.

HER: Take...THIS!
HIM: NOOO! Here I am, on the verge of my greatest triumph, yet FOILED by a...um...Hey lady? It's called "underpants". Look into it.
HER: I forgot to do laundry. Still, I beat YOU!
HIM: Yeah? Well...Maybe I'm not gonna rule the world, but YOU'RE not a natural blonde!

GUY IN CROWD TO BUDDY: It’s going better than I thought…

One is a mango, one is a womango, as God intended!

Coming this Fall! Its Nipples and Pustules--they're cops! Watch them in CSI: Monster Island! Wednesdays at 10, 9 Central, on most of these CBS stations.

Current mood:

When I was a kid I sold lemonade from a card table on our front lawn, but nowadays the big after school money is in cryptids.

Her designer? She's wearing American Heritage Leather (which "Received top scores in frame, leather, suspension, and upholstery quality"), while whispering in his ear, "Come to me my La-Z-Boy, and jump on my cushions!"

HIM: Hmmm, the position of the body indicates the victim was taking culinary classes and badly muffed his mise-en-place midterm.
(GUNFIRE)
It's the Baby Gangsters, Diaper Dan McGraw and the Koochy Koochy Koo Kid! Take cover! They'll try to spit up on you!

I finally figured out why I don't like iceberg lettuce. It's mostly water, just like the human body, so eating a wedge salad has always felt like cannibalism.

If Washington Irving had a cooking show. This week it's skinless, bone-in, head-off Horseman.

YouTube video by Scott Clevenger Halloween (1978) - The Polka Version

Happy Halloween! Around here we honor the tradition by watching John Carpenter's HALLOWEEN (1978). But only after it's been...IMPROVED BY POLKA!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=r5fn...

HER: Look Mother! All I do is stir in CRISCO...It's the CREAMIEST shortening I ever handled!
MOM: Yes! The CRISCO people did the HARD work for you. They've CREAMED CRISCO TWICE!
HER: Oh! Uh...
MOM: That's why it's not hard anymore.
HER: ...
MOM: Because of the refractory period--
HER: OKAY I GET IT

My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings. Look on my works, ye Mighty, and thanks for coming to my TED talk.

Crap, now I've got that song stuck in my head.

Please, for the love of all that's holy, do NOT look up "Coney Island Steamer" on Urban Dictionary.

HER: Ya see, Luke? If ya just lower the BUCKET into the well, then ya don't have to deal with my screamin', and I don't have to deal with 5 case of pneumonia a year. Plus, the bucket can bring up LOTS more water than I can hold in my mouth!

Thanks very much, pardner!

I mean everyone has their breaking point.

RIO: (SWINGS IN) Whee! I've RETURNED!
"Ow!"
"Hey!"
RIO: (SWINGS TO, SWINGS FRO) I've returned again!
"My bottle!"
"My neck!"
RIO: (SWINGS OUT, SWINGS IN) I've returned a THIRD time! INCREDIBLE!
"Can someone explain to Rio Kid about the Pendulum Effect? He was homeschooled."

MEANWHILE, AT THE WILDEST MOTEL CHAIN IN THE OLD WEST...
"We're checkin' in!"
"No vacancy!" [BLAM!]
"Don't you be giving me no hot lead looks, kid. We're here with the Ugly Sidekicks Convention and I made these reservations weeks ago! Check under 'Scabby'."

Portland, Oregon’s famous “Barrier Birth Control Monument”, depicting the moment when a spermatozoon gets a concussion from a cervical cap.

GHOST OF MICROSOFT'S "CLIPPY": It looks like you're trying to summon Candyman. Do you need help with that?

Eventually all gingers become winters.

Well then they've already fucked up, because the first rule of Ronald Reagan Club is you don't talk about Ronald Reagan Club without signing a proper licensing deal that recompenses us for the use of our IP.

The earth is healing. Nature is returning.