having adhd feels like being the most brilliant mind of your generation trapped in the dumbest brain model available. i could do so much if i could just ! get ! out ! of ! me ! but alas i’m a caged animal forever so i have to act insane
wish i could eat hard boiled eggs with the shell on for the crunch
so funny to claim you’re trying to free people by bombing their country. with that logic i guess school shooters are just trying to liberate their classmates
if you don’t take your backpack off before getting on the train and it’s pressing into me the whole ride i will nimbly unzip several pockets and sprinkle my fingernail clippings inside
when a star explodes that’s kind of like it giving up
woke up feeling like a million bugs
went to a gender reveal party. found out they’re adding 14 new genders. available for purchase this summer wherever you get your gender
in this economy the best we can do is daylight emergency fund that you have to dip into to make rent at the end of each month
real alphas don’t let Big Daylight Savings tell them what time it is
“why does everything have to be so politica—“
SHHHHUUUUUUUTTTT UUUUPPPPPP SHUT UP OH MY GOD THEY ARE COMING FOR YOU
getting whipped around on a rollercoaster going 120 miles per hour with my arms crossed thinking nothing of it
the folly of having a crab boyfriend
add a touch of whimsy to a sanitation worker’s day by filling your trash can to the brim with confetti and glitter
people aren’t getting tarred and feathered like they used to
my clothes look like they’re having so much fun tumbling around in the dryer. i should join them in there
it’s when you’re The Most Steve
more men should have names like Markwayne actually. I want to meet a Jimjohn or a Bradkyle . Stevemax
i didn’t know men could have names like Markwayne. That’s Annabeth for boys
roughly every 3 months the internet becomes obsessed with asking women things like “are you fox pretty or deer pretty? are you fairy pretty or mermaid pretty?”
imagine if we asked men this kind of bullshit. "are you toolbox handsome or duffle bag handsome?" everyone shut the hell up
you wouldn’t download a personality
i went to the edge of the earth and saw the true face of god and all i got was this stupid cloak of divine protection
after years of stealing from my neighbor’s house i became worried he was gonna retaliate, so i preemptively burned his house down. now he and his family are free from tyranny and peace has finally been restored in the community
i lowkey hate be roasted on a spit over an open flame, i get so dizzy
the shower is kind of like a bidet for your whole body
if i were a judge i would make everyone get on their hands and knees before i enter
tapped the tree of life and received the earth’s milk
up in the forest leaving no stone unturned. i’ve been here for weeks
had ai summarize my beautiful loving wife’s last words to me. that bitch would just not shut up!!!
let ai summarize my grocery list and left the store with some vague bullshit
"The Islamists oppose women getting an education," I mutter, as I aim my missile at the girls school
