Jason, ex Inferis

I have one anti-talent and it's the total shutdown of my brain when I have to spell something over the phone. "It's B as in uhh Bichael"

procrastiposting™️

just heard a bit of ACDC in my drug dealer's car and it's so funny that the scary child corrupting heavy metal guys used to be struttin around goin DI NO MITE! ☝️😎

I don't write jokes, I write tragedies. I chime in with a haven't you ever heard of a chicken crossing the god damn road, no? Because the fowl was murdered seven years ago.

My 5 year plan

Try the new guerilla marketing technique medical professionals call “concerning!”

Life so sexless the first Spirit Halloween just opened up in my va- nvm

Screenshot of my notes app that says "subtext and buttsex have the exact same letters in them." And it's true. They do.

Another thought I had that was too important not to jot down in the middle of the night

Gotham's thugs finds out Bruce Wayne is batman but don't kill him or burn his house down or nothing, they get eyes up on him. and every time he's got the flu or something a few thousand balaclava dipshits turn over the entire diamond district nonstop till The Night holds a few good meals down

All proceeds go toward the used panty vending machine.

baseball is stupid

GOD: *sneezes*

ME: *sneezes*

GOD: *eyes narrow*

iPhones are basic 💅

my favorite midwest activities: bowling and talking shit

YouTube video by Half a Person Til I Hear It From You (Gin Blossoms acoustic cover)

from the archives: recorded this for someone a while back:

youtu.be/Kl-CudffI5I?...

“The words ‘throbbing’ and ‘engorged’ are traps laid by an aroused thesaurus,” the sexy librarian said, her thirst for carnal knowledge growing with every page turned.

tv news headline: CUOMO: I'M NOT PERVERTED, I'M JUST ITALIAN

Greed Month Deplorable, Day 9: Andrew Cuomo
This sexual harasser is everything wrong with politics. A political career built on nepotism, charisma, and self-promotion only lasts so long, but his downfall was a masterclass in how hubris and a lack of consequences erodes public trust in government.

(Crunchy)

You need peanut butter. I assume…

Tbf, this is how I pictured you. ☺️

eating peaches and cream like a fancy little lord

Never knowing what to say to somebody who had just opened an envelope I'd get greeting cards when no one was looking. Now they call that 'artificial insertion' but what other fake smarts would fit it all

It's not even a puzzle or a crowd, you've been trying to fit in with the homeostasis of an app called single cell organism

In order for me to get up at 5 every other morning and launch myself to work by 8 am, I must spend all day Saturday being an absolute jelly lump of braless dirty couch laundry. I barely blink

Nobody has parties anymore but when a self-deprecating inner monologue chips away at the coldest cubes in your tray of awkward, it really does make it less so to just be around yourself

I really enjoy watching men with heavy New Jersey accents making large sandwiches is this what they call a kink

…I don’t need to know that badly.

😅😅

A bag of gummy meerkats

Taste the rainbow (meerkats) 🌈