😮💨😮💨😮💨
To the game
you’re sliding into her DMs. I’m also sliding into her DMs. we are catfishing her together and going to steal her identity.
gonna photosynthesize as I sip an espresso martini even though there’s a fricken Cheeto in the White House
sure, Mamdani wants to make buses fast and free. what you don’t know is they’ll be blasting Hamilton on loop.
Libras are such a grift, I gotta say
hey sorry I was being a bitch last night, I meant every word
there’s gotta be a German word for the satisfying feeling of putting your retainer in before bed
The Department of Defense became The Department of War until it was actually time for war just like I was CEO Boss Lady Powerful Woman until it was time to do tough employee reviews and then I was just baby angel
If you’re trying to be evil but you’re mediocre at it are you mid evil?
I took all the desire in my soul for romance and tossed it into the compost. I am filling that void with crafting and conspiracies
Sometimes the downward spiral is only a little whirlwind in butterfly landing to tend a flower, a part of cosplay, overwhelming still. But it's being handled kink by kink
the heart is a lumpy lopsided fist of a muscle yet I have resisted the urge to hit you with it you're welcome
Smart move to call them cyclists instead of pedalphiles.
You know you are down bad when your whole FYP is tarot card readings and Bashar and hopecore
had to put my readers on to read a message from a 25 year old buck trying to tell me he will make me happier than a man my age and as I adjust the temp on my heated blanket, with the ac on full blast, I laugh in old lady.
chasing the high my cats get when I open the windows
Me: Party’s over. You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here.
Mom: I own this house. You just live in the basement. Now put away your action figures- I mean, party guests.
the comments on a video of the missile hitting israel gives me hope. is the missile okay? is prob my fav reply ever.
when is another country gonna start bombing us because of our horrible leader
told a friend I was getting my hip replaced for my 47th bday and she said, “I didn’t know 47 was titanium!” as if this is a thing like at 46 you get china and 48 is paper.
My husband just got diagnosed with sleep apnea and got a CPAP machine so give me your best Top Gun fantasy scenarios or whatever haha just kidding we haven't flown in the same plane for years, Goose out ✌️
Sometimes it sits with me and sets down its drink that an illusion would get up and leave without this furniture. We believe in each other we're comfortable, as long as I vacuum right through reality's slippers
What if every time I wanted to touch my phone for scrollin' I just answered an email or paid a bill or got a glass of water
bodies are so funny bc we rly have an entire organ that’s in there like “send this poopoo to the butthole”
internet has been down at all locations for my job since 4am.
turns out it’s working just fine & everyone just had to restart their computers or disconnect & reconnect to the wifi.
funniest part: the person who figured it out & got it fixed at all locations isn’t even from the IT department.
i am constantly insulted on this platform
i have been forced to download entirely too many apps for my big age
horrors of the world and chill?
so stressed i might have to go get a pack
how long until the bodies in the closet become skeletons? asking for a friend
