Jason, ex Inferis

I played a game with my friend called “New York Times headline or Something My Ass Wrote” and he lost

chewing on ice as it cracks my tooth in a seductive way

Is it markwaynes or markswayne

Kristi Noem is a bird-leggéd (UNEMPLOYED) ho

Her: Babe, be honest. Are you in the mob?

Me: Babe, you know I run a shoe store.

Her: But why are they all made of concrete?

Clearly a forgery. Jesus dots his i with a heart.

*on antiques roadshow* I’m sorry…what?

You tell a rational technology to go to hell and what does it do, the very rational bon voyage that your astronaut heart is afraid of, and coordinates are already go for the funny little space saving smart drill car

Magician: The hand is quicker than the eye.

Eric “Slowhand” Clapton: The hell you say.

perfect. no notes

My father was an arsonist and I became a crime journalist.

Y’all mind if a white boy does a little unreliable narrating

The International Astronomical Union demoted Pluto from being a planet due to its small size.

So the IAU are a bunch of size queens.

If you are one of the 34,961 people who voted for Michele Morrow in NC's primary, I would love to say bless your dumb ass uninformed little heart

𝘙𝘰𝘴𝘦𝘮𝘢𝘳𝘺’𝘴 𝘉𝘢𝘣𝘺 is my favorite film about deviled eggs.

Arlo, a big fluffy white dog, is laying down with Freyja's head playfully in his mouth. Freyja is a big fluffy white and black speckled dog, and Arlo's mom.

new migraine treatment just dropped

Seems like a good year to try to bring back asbestos insulation if that's your thing

Wait…who delights in reading about suffering?

If ww3 goes nuclear, I'm going full Joker mode and starting a cult in the sewers

my sister and i love each other so much that sometimes we argue to decide who is the bigger bitch (it's our brother)

Putting my flesh eating bacteria in an envelope and marking it return to sender, before dropping it off in a mailbox on my way home.

Oops I did it again (got tangled in my neighbor’s wind chimes)

Stop telling people Sir Francis Bacon writes all my posts!

Enjoy your Bluesky crush while you can, before they disappear forever

To the people who have their shit together: the fuck?

High-protein cookie dough is really easy to make! Eating it is tougher, that shit’s gross as fuck

Jesus has the chance to do the funniest thing ever

Screen shot of Netflix pause screen. A young woman in a white sleeveless top stares out with a grim expression on her face. Text reads: “Are you still watching The End of the F***king World? Press play to continue watching.”

Me, every time someone posts something news related

Not all raccoons have rabies They are all perfect children of god

fuck around (try to slander raccoons in my texts), find out (be gently reminded that raccoons are angel)

posting about raccoons while 38,000 feet in the air. this is what my ancestors fought for.