Never realized how often I let my dog sniff items I’m holding just because I want him to feel included.
"Where's the pope?" He's under the sauce
The hell is this, FLOOR-E? Get it outta here
Tetris taught me that trying to fit in will make you disappear.
My favorite question is, "ahh do you smell that freshly cut grass?" You mean the exact thing that makes smelling impossible?
god gave me allergies bc he knew i’d be too powerful if i could breathe
Hi, I'm Katie! I'm going to be steamrolled by a runaway cheese wheel
[facilitating an icebreaker]
so everyone let's go around and say your name and how you think you'll die. I can start
as soon as i loosen this belt it's over for you britches
[all four The Voice judges noticing you in the audience] BRING US THAT ONE
The horrors persist, but so do new, as yet unimagined horrors
they should just pick one of the St. Louis cardinals
There’s nothing in the rule book that says a dog can’t be pope
Saw white smoke at the Rice Krispies factory. They must have chosen a new Pop.
[on a date]
her: are you on bsky
me: 😁
her: are your posts any good
me: 😔
I think if Earth were smart it'd speed up a bunch and make us all fly off
you can give your bologna any first name you want, mine's is craig
fire departments hate house warming parties
why's it called a bbq competition and not a meat up
I'm not cheap and obsolete, I'm antique and expensive
kate bush running past sisyphus
Me: [putting my best foot forward]
My other foot: WOW. Just wow. I mean that guy? Unbelievable
I got my peg leg stuck in the claw machine again and I’ll just get a new one.
Looking for a good Schrödinger’s Caturday Service this weekend.
Give him the Trix, you monsters.
I found so many eggs please let me back in the house it’s dark
I TRUSTED YOU. YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT ME YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT US. DID YOU— YOU NEVER EVEN LOVED ME DID YOU is something my neighbor Darin just heard me yelling at the television
Doing a whole parade float as a promposal to my favorite chatgpt voice
🔵
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┗┓ ヾ○ｼ
┗┓ ヘ/
┗┓ ノ
┗
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く|)へ 🔴
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Now you're thinking with portals
I'm so far along in this relationship that I'm on lithium diisopropylamide, which I think in chemistry means I'm on a strong base.
