The Multiverse Employee Handbook

A few days ago (on Nov 16), humans celebrated the anniversary of the Arecibo Message, the moment in 1974 when our species pointed a giant radio telescope at the cosmos and said, in effect:

“HELLO UNIVERSE. WE EXIST. HERE IS SOME MATH. SORRY ABOUT THE NOISE.”

🎧#arecibomessage

👽 Tomorrow marks 48 years since Close Encounters of the Third Kind redefined first contact and quietly rewrote the sci-fi rulebook. Without it, there’s no Contact, no Arrival, no thoughtful “let’s-try-talking-first” alien stories — just more ray guns and shouting.

Listen link in our bio 🎧

Our latest episode explores how humanity discovered nature’s operating system runs on superposition and immediately asked whether this could optimize quarterly earnings.

🎧 Your Quantum Startup Kit Has Arrived — podcast episode out now #sciencecomedy #qauntumphysics

The cosmos keeps throwing rocks.

In our new episode, What 3I/ATLAS Taught Us About the Galaxy—and Ourselves, we meet the interstellar object 3I/ATLAS and the QIS team foolish enough to welcome it.

Bureaucracy meets astrophysics. #3IATLAS #Astronomy #SciencePodcast

Apologies for the silence — we were briefly lost in a three-body meeting that refused to end. Good news: we’ve escaped the gravitational paperwork.

🎧 New episode out now: Alpha Centauri – That Neighbour You’ve Never Met.

Expect science, satire, and swing sets that didn’t survive. #sciencepodcast

Think your life is complicated? In another universe, it’s worse. In another, better. In most, still disappointing.

🎧Today’s episode: Is the multiverse real, or just bad science? #multiverse #physics #sciencecomedy

Reality: crashes often, rarely updates, questionable user support.

🎧 New episode out today: Engage: The Science of the Holodeck — your guide to turning life’s meeting room into something worth logging into. #startrek #holodeck #startrektng

Nothing exists. Except, of course, when it doesn’t.

New episode out now: We Explain Nothing!

A tour through the void, from Parmenides to particle physics, proving that nothing is busier than it looks. Link in bio 🎧

#nothing #podcast

You are very small. Statistically irrelevant, in fact.

Today’s episode of The Multiverse Employee Handbook explores the Kardashev Scale (where we’re not even 1% of the way to Type I) and the Drake Equation (the galaxy’s most depressing census). 🎧 link in bio

#cosmicInsignificance #podcast

🌌 New episode tomorrow: The Kardashev Scale and Other Measurements That Make Us Feel Small

Discover why, on a cosmic scale, you rank somewhere between a neutrino and a typo—and why that might actually be good news. #podcast #cosmicInsignificance #tmeh

PSA: China just built a space station faster than your city council can fill a pothole. Please adjust expectations accordingly. 🚀

Next Tuesday on The Multiverse Employee Handbook: we explore what China is doing in space—and why it’s happening a lot faster than your local road repairs.

#China

Because while the universe may not know you’re here, you do. And in this corner of spacetime, for one improbably specific moment, that might be enough. 9/9

If the universe doesn’t care about your email signature, neither should you. And if time is indifferent, you can wear socks with sandals and declare yourself king of toast. 8/9

Cosmic insignificance isn’t meant to depress—it’s meant to liberate. If nothing you do will alter the spin of a galaxy, then you might as well dance. 7/9

And yet, the Handbook notes, humans persist. They form committees. They alphabetize spices. They worry about what other specks think of their haircut. This is either a magnificent act of rebellion or a scheduling error no one’s bothered to fix. 6/9

Your entire existence—every triumph, every heartbreak, every awkward elevator convo—occurs within a planetary speck orbiting an average star inside a suburban arm of a moderately interesting galaxy that, from the perspective of deep space, looks suspiciously like cosmic lint. 5/9

It’s not personal. The cosmos is simply very large and you are, by all measurable standards, not. 4/9

It is the moment you realize the observable universe contains two trillion galaxies, each with hundreds of billions of stars, and not one of them is named after you. 3/9

This revelation tends to arrive suddenly—perhaps while staring at the night sky, reading about galaxy clusters, or being placed on hold by a customer service line that spans three continents and two fiscal quarters. 2/9

The Multiverse Employee Handbook defines cosmic insignificance as “the emotional turbulence experienced upon realizing that, on a universal scale, you rank somewhere between a neutrino and a typo.” 1/9

#CosmicInsignificance #ScienceComedy

We apologize for the inconvenience, advise against eating shrimp or making major life decisions, and remind you that any duplicate versions of yourself should be reported immediately to Lost & Found. 2/2

Please remain seated while we perform routine maintenance on the quantum field. During this time your reality may briefly resemble a neighbour’s, a stranger’s, or in rare cases, a 1990s game show. 1/2

#CosmicPSA

📋 Season 3 is here!

Turns out the “present moment” is just a convenient fiction agreed upon by people who haven’t studied relativity. Also, your coffee mug is three billionths of a second out of date. The universe: where everything is a rerun. 🎧 Tune-in wherever you get your podcasts!

#LightSpeed

First recorded case of the sun proving that even 93 million miles away, it can turn humanity’s most advanced technology into very expensive scrap metal.

#Science

On this day in 1859: The Carrington Event

Richard Carrington spots a solar flare & thinks “Hmm, interesting.” 18 hours later, Earth’s magnetic field has a complete meltdown. Telegraph wires spark, operators get shocked.

The Multiverse Employee Handbook returns Sept 2! This season we investigate:

– Why dark matter refuses interviews
– The cosmic microwave background’s unsettling childhood photos
– The strange elegance of chaos

#Podcast

🚨 Season 3 incoming 🚨
The Multiverse Employee Handbook returns Tuesday: where gravity gets weird, time gets bendy, and the Sun is still very much trying to kill you.

#Podcast

Fascinating how light can travel almost 300,000 km per second but somehow takes an eternity to change at traffic intersections, suggesting traffic lights operate in their own parallel dimension of temporal malice. #traffic

BREAKING: The Multiverse Employee Handbook Season 3 launches next week! How long does light take to travel? Answer: Considerably less time than it takes your manager to process your vacation request, but infinitely longer than you’d expect on a cosmic scale. 🎧Tune in, Sept 2nd!

#Podcast

A gentle reminder that humans have always been remarkably willing to believe the most elaborate nonsense as long as it’s presented with sufficient confidence and a straight face, a tradition we continue to honour today.

#GreatMoonHoax

Link for further reading: buff.ly/RKQCE4c