McSweeney's

oh my god

I Regret to Announce That I Will Not Be Canceling My Plans with You Tonight It is with a heavy heart that I declare my intention to keep our dinner plans for tonight. I understand that this news may come as a shock, given o...

"I can already picture the sadness on your face as you digest this news, knowing you can't go home right after work, take off your pants, collapse on your bed, and scroll TikTok until you pass out."

Welcome to Our Quarry Pit Have you thought to yourself, “I wonder what’s at the bottom of that huge fucking pit?” Probably not, considering we’re located twenty-seven miles ...

"A middle school nurse will check you for ticks on your way out of the quarry. If you slip and fall down all 576 steps, she’ll give you an ice pack and call your mom."

Excerpts from The Believer: Stuff I’ve Been Reading: Summer 2025 A quarterly column, steady as ever - - - “What do ­twenty-first-century people have an appetite for? I’m leaving myself out of this. I’m a twentiet...

"There are so many fascinating, gossipy tidbits studded throughout 'Cocktails with George and Martha' that you want someone to ask you what you’re reading just so you can spew some of it back out." - Nick Hornby

Oh my god this is hilarious and great.

@trevor1972.bsky.social

What a “Child-Friendly Neighborhood” in New York Actually Offers More daycare options at a variety of price points, all of them unaffordable. A super accessible subway station with an elevator that will get you a...

"No judgment when you breastfeed in public. In fact, it’s likely another parent will approach you and ask you to breastfeed their kid, too. Why do you have two breasts, after all? If not to be neighborly, in your child-friendly neighborhood!"

I ... I ... feel personally attacked. 🌮🍣🍝

"The moment I say the name of a restaurant, I put my entire reputation on the line. I become the restaurant. The restaurant is me. If the food is bad or the service is slow, you will think me a scoundrel..."

New York Times’ Style Guide Substitutions for “The President Violated the Constitution” “The president remained steadfast in his novel interpretation of constitutional law.” “Faced with the choice between clinging to the letter of the ...

New York Times’ Style Guide Substitutions for “The President Violated the Constitution” @mcsweeneys.net

“As a tailor might stitch together a suit from pieces of textile, so too did the president fashion himself a bespoke garment from the supple threads of the nation’s legal fabric.”

I Used AI to Make a Video That Sucks I used AI to make a video that sucks. It is bad. It is boring. But I made it in under an hour. And now it is my entire personality. To some, my AI-...

"Videos that suck are the future. If I could make a video that sucks this much in one hour, imagine how hard I could make something suck in two hours, or even three."

The Em Dash Responds to the AI Allegations “In recent months, a curious fixation has emerged in corners of academia: the em dash. More specifically, the apparent moral panic around how it is...

"Listen here, my good bitch. Writers have been using me long before the advent of AI."

I’m Starting to Think Grundle the Swamp Monster May Never Drain the Swamp It’s been six months since The Elder was exiled and control of the village was put back into capable and trustworthy hands. And yet the haunted swa...

"Grundle’s deafening silence on the Bog-Fiend’s mysterious death (The Bog-Fiend drowning? In his own swamp? Give me a break) is making me question everything. And for the first time in my life, I’m not convinced The Crone and The Elder are exclusively to blame."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/im-...

I’m Guy Fieri, and I’m Calling Off the Search for the Most Gangster Enchilada in Albuquerque, New Mexico My production company, Knuckle Sandwich LLC, is officially suspending active search operations for the most gangster enchilada in the Albuquerque a...

"Screaming that you found the most gangster enchilada, having me run over to you, and then showing me your scrotum wrapped in tin foil is mean."

With God as My Witness, I Will Not Pick the Restaurant A: Where should we eat? B: I’m happy to go anywhere! A: Me too. I’m easy. I don’t care where we go. At all. B: Same. Any restaurant you have in min...

A: I don’t care where we go. At all.

B: Same. Any restaurant you have in mind?

A: No, I’ll go to literally any restaurant in this town. Any neighborhood that’s more convenient for you?

B: No, every location in existence is convenient for me. Any kind of food you’re craving?

Nine Ways to Avoid Disclosing That You’re From Chevy Chase, Shaker Heights, Darien, or Scarsdale 1. “I’m from Washington D.C. / Cleveland / Connecticut / New York.” 2. “I’m from the D.C. area / the Cleveland area / the Tri-State Area / Westches...

"I grew up in a small town outside Washington, D.C. / right outside Cleveland / just over the New York City line / basically across the street from New York City."

I Only Had Kids to Blow Off My Single Friends, Particularly Jeff There are numerous reasons why my wife and I decided to have kids, like learning what it means to be parents, and providing an idyllic childhood th...

"When you bring a child into this world, it lets you experience the joy of pushing out friendships from that same world. There is no better excuse to gradually recede from the guy who will never get his shit together."

The Revolution Will Not Be Televised, But It Will Be Optimized (Presented in Beta) Gone are the days of storming the gates. In this new era of resistance, we A/B test the gates, analyze the bounce rate of our demands, and push our...

Yes, the revolution is here.

No, it is not televised.

It’s currently available as a limited-access newsletter and a lightly branded Discord server.

this is a cleanse i can get behind

Welcome to Our Quarry Pit Have you thought to yourself, “I wonder what’s at the bottom of that huge fucking pit?” Probably not, considering we’re located twenty-seven miles ...

"A middle school nurse will check you for ticks on your way out of the quarry. If you slip and fall down all 576 steps, she’ll give you an ice pack and call your mom."

Acts of Rebellion for the Middle-Aged Hiring a plumber without vetting them across multiple Facebook community forums Starting a movie after 9 p.m. Texting without your glasses Eating a...

Sitting under the ceiling fan you installed after taking two gummies

Vacationing without your CPAP machine

Parking in a space reserved for shoppers with toddlers

I Am A Midwestern Girl from a Movie and/or TV Show So Excited to Be Here in the Big City Well Hiya!! Oh shucks! Is that not how y’all greet each other here in the big city? Shoot! Gosh darn it! Dagnabit and some Kraft on a Cracker. I’m ...

"I’m new here! And I’m excited about it. My life before was not a real life! The place I’m from is barely a real place! Like Narnia or the University of Phoenix. But I’m ready to start over!" "

This is a keeper.

What I Presume “Quiet Luxury” Means I play hide-and-seek in my penthouse apartment with my four-year-old twins, Whisper and Gem, all three of us clad in bespoke knit loungewear. I wea...

"I hold in a fart in the ground-floor bathroom of the St. Regis New York."

The Immaculate Conception of ChatGPT In the beginning, there was the Model. And the Model was without form. And darkness was upon the face of the training data. The Spirit of Sam Altm...

Just as the Virgin Mary gave birth to a quiet, glowing, infinitely loving boy
who would one day redeem humankind,
we, too, have pushed something unnatural and holy
from the womb of human knowledge.

And lo, someone immediately forked it on GitHub
and made it racist

Perfect.

What Your Favorite Classic Rock Band Says About You, Part Two Read Part One here and Part Three here. - - -Kiss: You have partied on a boat in a driveway. Queen: You have injured several people by jogging int...

Slade: You have smoked speed through a TV antenna.

Procol Harum: You have smoked hash through an antique rifle.

Heart: You have smoked chamomile tea through a hookah.

I Am Your Body and I Am Done Keeping Score It’s me, your body, the one you’ve inhabited for thirty-plus years. I refuse to say exactly how many, because, as of today, keeping a precise count...

"I can no longer be the canary in the coal mine of your repressed trauma. I don’t sing a song of aural migraine headaches, howl a tune of chronic back pain, scream a chorus of recurring digestive issues for my own pleasure."

Welcome to WeStillWork, the Nursing Home for People Who Can’t Afford to Retire Looking forward to your golden years, but afraid you’ll never be able to afford it? Our state-of-the-art facility offers elderly corporate drones t...

“Retirement never seemed like something that would be in my reach, and it still isn’t. But at WeStillWork, now I can continue to work fifteen-hour days, and occasionally indulge in building perks like Thursday-night bingo.”

I Love You More Than Anything, but I Would Rather Die Than Talk to You on the Phone There is no me without you. Would I remember your phone number if my contacts were suddenly deleted, with no backups? If I’m being completely hones...

"There is no me without you. Would I remember your phone number if my contacts were suddenly deleted, with no backups? If I’m being completely honest, not even the area code."

Congrats, Dipshit, You’re a Dad Now Listen up, soup for brains. Yesterday, you were just a man. But today, a doctor snipped the umbilical cord off an angry, gray alien with your name ...

"And if you thought you’d only have sons, you better suck it up, buttercup. You’re a Girl Dad now. So check your punk-ass ego at the door and play tea party with your damn daughters. You don’t like that your new name is Penelope Fluffybottom? Tough luck."

I Used AI to Make a Video That Sucks I used AI to make a video that sucks. It is bad. It is boring. But I made it in under an hour. And now it is my entire personality. To some, my AI-...

"In the future, I will replace all the cooked industries. I will make videos that suck and books that suck and art that sucks and virtual girlfriends that suck and private business coaching sessions that suck even more."